'TWAS the NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in BOULDER, COLORADO


	'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town
		Not a smoker was stirring, the Angels were down
	    From the tree upon Flagstaff. The hullaballoo
	          Caused by the city and the A.C.L.U.
	   The children had thought that the angels were great
	     Parks department said church and state separate.
	    Our fireplace is gone---no burn days and pollution.
	       Hang stockings on doorknobs--the only solution.
	   The children are up in their rooms with their Granny.
	   Grandpa has gone to the Greek Isles with their Nanny.
		And I in my spandex and she in her teddy
		  Wait for our herbal tea to be ready.
	    When we heard such a noise on our xeroscaped lawn, 
	     I sprang from my chaise to see what's going on.
	      What to my contact lensed eyes was revealed
	     Our entire solar panel had neatly been peeled
	      Away by Boulder winds at their very worst.
	  Then I saw Santa standing, thin, unclad, lips pursed.
		"my reindeer've been taken by the S.P.C.A.
		   It's not correct to wear fur anyway.
	    The traffic circles won't accommodate my sleigh.
	    I can't smoke my pipe in this town, so they say.
	   I've biked and I've jogged and lost lots of weight.
		I've bought the latest computer update.
	        My toys are all bland, nothing horrific.
	      No weapons and all toys gender-non-specific.
	    I've tried oh so hard, but the Grinch has won out.
	       Santa will soon get his pink slip, no doubt.
	  So, on Council, on Planning Board, on all anti-smokers.
	      On bikers and joggers and rapid growth jokers.
	     I'm resigning my job, though I am a professional.
	  I'll go sing "Silent Night' in Fairview's recessional."