ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
  by David Bibb (dbibb@interpath.com)


CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that 
it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of 
the civil rights of children.  An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge 
stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to 
privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database.  
The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus 
organization to determine which children are considered naughty or 
nice.  It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights, 
as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other 
company information we have obtained.  In addition, we believe 
Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed 
to prevent the free expression of beliefs."


Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in 
which reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of 
workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, 
"...clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of 
children to free expression and free thought.  In addition, there 
are concerns about the security of the information.  What would 
be the result of such a database being made available to other 
law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were 
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core 
of a vast conspiracy against children.    Anonymous sources 
from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe 
a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved 
in this business and we expect several of them will testify 
for the State in return for a lighter sentence."  In addition, 
the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the 
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on 
the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, 
or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items 
he has delivered.  Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all 
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay 
state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.  
Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure.  His 
supporters are from around the world and his message of love 
and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" 
or a violation of the civil rights of children."  

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a 
resident of the United States or any country which the United 
States currently has an extradition treaty.  It is unknown where 
Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out 
at his north pole estate.  

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find 
the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be 
rejected by the courts.  As for any criminal charges, I believe 
the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible 
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.


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