In California (especially Silicon Valley), we don't gripe about the
weather--we gripe about the high cost of housing.  For those of you
just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there),
allow me to offer you:

	    The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
	    **********************************************

What They Say    		What It Means
=============			=============
spacious			hole in the wall
				to anyone living in their car
				that's why we're charging $200 above the
				going rate	

easy access to transportation   Particularly in Mountain View and
				Sunnyvale, this can mean:
				(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
				(b) next to the railroad tracks 
				(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
				(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
				(e) all of the above

friendly staff			Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities			That's the only way we can entice people
				in this dump.
				Would you pay this high rent AND the
				water and garbage?

heated pool			only when the sun's out
				only when there's water in it

workout room			four walls, some free weights, a machine
				or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views			reach out and touch your neighbor!
				overlooking the garbage dumpster
				overlooking the pool
				overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable			to:
				(a) anyone with an income of $100 K
				(b) anyone with wealthy parents
				(c) anyone who is wealthy
				(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

"Please fill out our		"What?!  You didn't fill out the annual
 marketing survey."		income?  We can't show you anything
				until you fill that out.  You won't?
			 	I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."

pets welcome			kids aren't
				we just never got the odor out

AEK				All Electricity Kancelled
				EEk!

W/D				Will be Disgusted
				Worried/Depressed people

AC				Atrocious Carpeting

WWC				Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!		located in East Palo Alto
				(Complex insurance does not cover bullet
				holes in car, self-protection devices,
				frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy			built as cheap as we could	
				cold and drafty

secure parking			the manager's apartment overlooks the
				parking lot
				"No one's been robbed on the street."
				covered parking

move in bonus!			no one else wants it 
				it hasn't been rented in six months
				includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

!!!				desperation is directly linked to the
				number of "!"s used

rustic				classic 60's decor
				nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta
				earthquake
				outhouse is in the back
				only one heating vent

From: ntmtv!ehlers@ames.arc.nasa.gov (Justine Ehlers)