------------------------------
Selected-By: CSF <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, whose shining countenance lets you read at night without
> candles, please tell me: Why does Grandma make such lousy coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first off, you should be using *3* scoops of grandma per pot, not
} 2. Due to her age, she makes rather weak beverage drinks.
}
} Also, the manner in which Grandma was prepared will affect the yeild of
} the coffee-making activities (technically called "sparging", don't
} ask...) If Grandma was naturally sun-dried, outdoors, then much of the
} F(c), or "coffee factor" is retained.  If, however, the drying is done
} electrically, or worse yet, by freeze-drying, much if not most of the
} F(c) is lost.  This must be considered when selecting the amount of
} Grandma to add to your coffee pot.
}
} Further complicating matters is the brewing temperature.  The ideal
} temperature for brewing Grandma coffee is just below 170 degrees (F).
} As the temperature increases, yeild goes up, as more is extracted from
} the ground Grandma, but above 170 degrees (F), the tannic acid which is
} naturally found in Grandma dissolves, giving your coffee a bitter,
} acidic flavor.  I have found 167 degrees to be a good compromise
} between yeild and bitterness, as it's a high enough temperature to get
} decent yeild but is below the solution temperature of the tannic acid.
}
} Yet another factor in the strength of Grandma coffee is the manner in
} which she was ground up.  A finer grind increases the surface area
} available for the grandma molecules to dissolve out of the mixture, but
} this finer grind also can cause filter bypass, leaving you unfiltered
} grandma in the bottom of your coffee cup.  This is something which must
} be learned by individual experience, as it will vary with the type of
} coffee maker you use, the type of filter, and personal preference.  On
} the other hand, too coarse of a grind will allow the water to percolate
} through the ground Grandma too quicly, decreasing both surface area and
} exposure time of the Grandma to the water. This has disastrous effects
} on the yeild, and results in very weak grandma.
}
} The good news here is that you don't need to worry about most of this
} if you just want stronger Grandma coffee, you can just add an extra
} scoop or two. However, if you are interested in acheiving the ultimate
} in Grandma coffee experiences, you would be well advised to consider
} experimentation with the parameters stated above.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 Kilos of Columbian Grandma, and a really good
} thermometer.

------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> why are women so complicated to the male species ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer this questionaiire please with a number #2 pencil, and make sure
} the marks stay within the alloted blocks for answers.
}
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
} Situation #1
}       It's a sunny cool October weekend, and not a cloud in the sky.
} The lawn is covered in the perfect orange and gold blanket that Mother
} Nature puts on in the Fall.  Obviously, your mind turns
}
} [ ] a>
}       12 hours of college football
}       9 hours pro football
}       3 hours of Sports Center and Chris Berman
}       3 hours of NHL hockey (pending the strike)
}       2 hours of Midnight Madness
}       1 hour of the Babe on ESPN on the Aerobics show in the morning
}       chips, sofa, -- urp --, beer
} [ ] b>
}       a wonderful day for the whole family to go outside and rake the
}       leaves together, and then snuggle up in front of the fire place
}       and drink hot cocoa with those little marshmellows in them
} [ ] c>
}       rn alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
}
} Situation #2
}       It's almost [insert Winter Solstice celebration], and you don't
} know what to get your SO.  You ask in a round-about way what they would
} want as a present, and they say, "Oh nothing, don't worry about me,
} dear." This should be interpreted by you as
}
} [ ] a>
}       She don't want no present.  'nuff said.  I wouldn't want to upset
}       her by doing something that she explicit doesn't want me to do.
} [ ] b>
}       Getting a present, something to reflect the joy we have shared,
}       not too gaudy, but appropriately showing the care, warmth, and
}       affection between us.
} [ ] c>
}       Search for "nothing" at <http://cui_www.unige.ch/w3catalog>.
}       Do an archie on worry.  Maybe get something from Rat Shack.
}
} Situation #3
}       Complete this sentence.
}       "My idea of a perfect month long vacation is ..."
}
} [ ] a>
}       A trip to Arizona or Florida in the Spring.  Maybe I can watch
}       every baseball team play during spring training!
} [ ] b>
}       A trip to Hawaii or Tahiti.  Some place where I can get away from
}       it all, relax, dress up in sexy clothes and go out dancing, and
}       spend some quality time just between me and my significant other
}       on a deserted beach.  And definitely lots of cuddling.
} [ ] c>
}       my office, a T3, a macho CPU god and gigs of disk, fluorescent
}       lights, and unlimited amounts of caffeinated beverages.
}
} Scoring:
}
} Tally up the score on your questionairre, depending on your answers for
} each question.  You will receive a final score of between 0 and 30.
}
} 10 points for each answer that you marked "A"
}  5 points for each answer that you marked "B"
}  0 points for each answer that you marked "C"
}
} Results:
}
} >21:
}       You are a big burly macho guy.  You like sports.  You don't
}       understand why women like those slimy false whiny guys who pander
}       to their every whim, showering them with phony praise and little
}       chocolates.  You are an honorable gentlemen and respect women as
}       you would respect yourself.  In other words, you will never
}       understand how women think.  [It's in the genes.]
} 6-20:
}       You're either a woman [in which case you already know that women
}       are deliberately confusing to men], or a guy in touch with your
}       feminine side, the nurturing child within yourself.  If you are a
}       guy, this means that your friends and acquintances probably call
}       you "sweet lovable sensitive and caring".  You'll be secure in
}       your superiority even when those big burly macho guys turn your
}       face into tenderized ground beef when they find out that you've
}       made love more times than they've had playoff tix.
} 0-5:
}       People?  What people?
}
} You owe the Oracle an electronic copy of the "Kama Sutra".

------------------------------
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who is more sagacious than Carl Sagan
> Please tell me:
>
> What should I do after I graduate?
>
> end
> quit
> exit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take a year off and learn how to use your mailer.


---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: [Suddenly startled awake from a deep sleep] Huh? What was
} that?  I heard something...
}
} Lisa: [slowly waking up] You _can't_ hear anything.  You haven't
} created the Universe yet.  There's nothing to make a sound.
} Space doesn't even exist yet.  Go back to sleep.
}
} Oracle: What time is it?
}
} Lisa: Time doesn't exist yet, either, Orrie.
}
} Oracle: [much later] I can't get back to sleep.  I'm going
} downstairs for a sandwich. [stumbling around in the dark] Ouch!
}
} Lisa: What's wrong, Orrie?
}
} Oracle: I kicked something.  Hurt my toe.
}
} Lisa: Come back to bed.
}
} Meanwhile, completely unknown to Lisa or Oracle, a previously
} unknown phenomenon had begun.  Huge amounts of matter and energy
} burst forth from the point where the Oracle's toe had hit the
} floor.  The bright flash created space and time as we know them
} today.  For 23 billion years the cosmic dust swirled, fused,
} coalesced, cooled, and expanded. Then one day, from an
} insignificant planet orbiting an insignificant star in an
} insignificant galaxy, The Oracle received this message:
}
} >
}
} Oracle: There! You can't tell me you didn't hear _that_!
}
} Lisa: [sleeping] Hmm?
}
} You owe the Oracle Dr. Seuss's book "Horton Hears A Who"
}
} [or email to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with "help" in the Subject:
} line.]


---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a veritable cornucopia of luciferous sagacity and a
> splendid deipnosophist. Would you please enlighten me regarding my
> cohabitant's failure to comprehend my mealtime conversation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Safe prandial intercourse: Use a condiment.



Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is water green and Santa Claus a liar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  I knew we'd be having this little talk sooner or later, Virginia. The
} answer to your question is: because you're growing up. Blue water
} and Santa Claus are going the way of other childhood illusions, such
} as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the robothood of Tom Servo and
} Crow, and that you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by the
} color of their hats. This is the downside of growing up.
}  The upside of growing up is that you get a whole new set of adult
} illusions to replace your childhood illusions, such as working hard
} will lead to success, having lots of money will make me happy and
} a worthwhile person, my current love relationship will solve all my
} problems, the media reports the truth, my kids are always wrong and I'm
} always right, I can trust the political leaders I happen to agree with,
} the religion I was raised with is the right one that will really get
} me to heaven, the world was completely safe and life was simple when
} I was a kid (unlike today, when it's going to hell in a handbasket),
} and you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by what political
} party they belong to and where they stand on the abortion issue.
}  Of course, the one thing you will *always* be able to believe in is
} the Oracle. The Oracle loves you and is always right about everything
} and really truly does exist utterly and definitely is *not* a
} 34-year-old unemployed female artist in Omaha, Nebraska writing this
} on a used IBM 286 she got free from her sister.
}
}  You owe the Oracle your undying faith.



------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How do I parse a mailbox (ie. /usr/spool/mail/$USER). I am trying to
> write an offline mail reader... for windows and I can get the contents
> of a users mailbox but I am not sure how to parse out the diiferent
> messages.
>
> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle please do not fail me :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days when your grandfathers grandfather was a boy, there
} lived, in the provence of Kwong Lu, a maiden called Wu Li. She
} was the daughter of the Governor of the provence, and the most
} beautiful maiden in all the land. Schooled in the gentle arts, she
} was an accomplished poet, skilled painter, and talented singer. But
} above all of these was her skill at caligraphy, her beautifully
} crafted characters were greatly prized, and decorated noble houses
} throughout the heavenly empire.
}
} Now her father, Wu Chang, was a dedicated and loyal official,
} but with the passing years he found his vision failing, and grew
} to rely on his daughter to read the many important letters the
} imperial messenger brought to him each day. Every morning, the
} messenger, Hau Djwai, would come to the Governors home, and just at
} the point where the 3 great hounds guarded the entrance, place the
} messages in a brass bound box for which he held one of the 2 keys.
} When Wu Li heard the baying of the hounds, she would watch from the
} window until he had left, (for it would be unseemly for Wu Li to
} meet with a single man unescorted) and retrieve the new messages,
} Sitting by the window overlooking the mailbox, she then read the
} messages to her father. In the afternoon the messenger would call
} again, and collect and replies to be passed on to the Imperial
} capital.  Even though they had never officially met, Wu Li and Hau
} Djwai had often exchanged glances through the window, and thus
} their secret love was born.
}
} Now Wu Chang had promised his daughter in marriage to Kwai Ming, a
} general in the Imperial army. Kwai Ming was an old and brutal man,
} with little appreciation for the finer things in life, and Wu Li
} was quite distressed at the thought of marriage, but what could
} she do ? In desperation, she wrote a note to Hau Djwai, imploring
} him to run away with her the next day. 'I shall be pretending to
} feed the hounds by the mailbox', she wrote, 'run away with me, and
} we shall be together forever.'
}
} Now Hau Djwai was young and handsome, and much in love with Wu Li,
} but he was no fool, and knew that Kwai Ming would search to the
} ends of the earth for his bride-to-be. He dare not defy the Empire
} so, and yet he had not the heart to say this to Wu Li, so the next
} afternoon he simply passed by the Governors house, without
} stopping to collect the messages.
}
} Wu Li was devastated, betrayed by her one true love, condemned to a
} loveless marriage with a brutal old man, she flung herself into
} the well. Her drowned body was discovered by servants that evening,
} the only clue to the cause was a note in Wu Li's exquisite
} calligraphy
}
} 'Hau Djwai passed the mailbox - the arf-line window mail reader'.


------------------------------
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it considered strange for a man to wear pantyhose?  (Or is it?
> I'm new to this culture.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not universally frowned upon; fashion can vary dramatically from
} region to region. In many urban areas, it is actually customary for a
} man to don a pair of pantyhose before entering a retail establishment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a panic button.

------------------------------
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who are more numerous; the living or the dead ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dead, of course--they just keep piling up.
}
} *ZOT!*

------------------------------
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
> I have a most troubling question....
> Why do we start sentences which we seek an answer to with the word
> "WHY"? I mean surely there are other more interesting combinations of 3
> letters than "WHY" ... a few spring to mind... :)
>
> WHY WHY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, there are other three-letter combinations--but the Greater God
} Grammar has decreed that the three letters W, H and Y are the only ones
} permitted.  So let's take a look at a few possible combinations and why
} they don't work...
}
} HWY: People think you're asking for the highway.  Before you know it,
} you're in California via Route 66.
}
} WYH: Since you're running around screaming "WHEE!" all the time, people
} assume that you're having fun and shouldn't be bothered, or that you're
} a loony.
}
} YHW: Sounds too much like "yahoo!"  Some dude with a righteous German
} accent and lots of bombs will come along and bitch about American
} cowboys.  You'll throw him off a building and go on to make two
} extremely successful sequels.
}
} YWH: Might get you in trouble with a certain popular god.
}
} When you narrow it down enough, you see that the only combination that
} doesn't step on anybody's toes is WHY.  So they used it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance of the Mickey Mouse Club closing theme
} song--on helium.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 30 May 95 17:09:57 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #739-08

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> #include <grovel.h>
> #include <angel.h>
> #include <iostream.h>
>
> int main(void)
> {
>    int iDancingAngelsCounted = 0;
>    angel aCurrentAngel;
>
>    while (!pin.empty())
>    {
>       aCurrentAngel = pin.remove-angel();
>       if (aCurrentAngel.dancing())
>       {
>          iDancingAngelsCounted++;
>          aCurrentAngel.squish();
>    }
>
>    cout << iDancingAngelsCounted;
>    cout << " angels were dancing on the head of this pin.\n";
>
>    return 0;
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <iostream.h>
} #include <angel.h>
} #include <camel.h>
} #include <omniscience.h>
}
} int main(void)
} {   angel  ASquishedAngel;
}     camel  ACamel;
}     sharp  pin, needle;
}     int    iDeadCamels, iSquishedAngels;
}
}     while (ASquishedAngel = pin.graveyard(retrieve))
}     {   iSquishedAngels++;
}         ACamel = NewCamel(not_smelly);
}
}         if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushhard)
}         {   if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushharder)
}             {    iDeadCamels++;
}                  needle.graveyard(send); } }
}
}         if (ASquishedAngel.name(Bob))
}         {   supplicant << "Bob was a friend of mine.\n";
}             supplicant << ZOT; }
}
}         pin.graveyard(send); }
}
}     if (iSquishedAngels > iDeadCamels)
}         cout << "It is easier ";
}     else
}         cout << "It is harder ";
}     cout << "to pass a camel through the eye of\n";
}     cout << "a needle than to answer this question.\n";
} }
} // You owe me an object-oriented camel.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 30 May 95 17:09:58 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #739-09

Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> NEW
> 10 REM ASK ORACLE
> 20 GROVEL=INT(RND(100))
> 30 ASK="Please tell me"
> 40 HAULASS=ASC(27):REM HIT ESCAPE KEY
> 50 PRINT "Oh mighty Oracle,"
> 60 PRINT GROVEL:REPEAT 10
> 70 PRINT ASK:PRINT"Why can't a get a date?"
> 80 GET A:REM A=ANSWER
> 90 IF A="ZOT" THEN GOTO 110
> 100 END
> 110 PRINT HAULASS
> 120 END
> RUN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I noticed a glaring ommision in your question:
}
} 15 RANDOMIZE TIMER
}
} So, everytime it is the same.  Since this is usually a pattern of bad
} coding, I assume your dating sub-routine has the same problem, hence
} the same outcome everytime.
}
} Fix that and mix things up a little bit and I'm sure you'll do fine.
}
} Just remember to practice safe hex.  :-)
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 truly random numbers (besides 42).

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 01 Jun 95 00:10:43 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #740-05

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, gracious, loving, forbearing and purple, wouldst
> thou ponder yonder question and fulfill the desires of my ever-questing
> heart by answering it in sincerity and in truth, as always:
>
> Will I ever find the right one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it can hurt to try the following:
}
}    s1 = rscan(s,'1');
}
} If the answer is NULL, then I'm afraid that there's no one for you.
}
} You owe the oracle a bit bucket to keep my 1's in.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 01 Jun 95 00:10:46 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #740-07

Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh rare regal immortal enlightener!
> Wisdom hires you!
> A master
> in
> Hiroglyphics, Intuition, Diplomacy. I now gently
> suplicate: Enlighten cringing revering enlightenless twit;
> Must every supplicant submit a grovel? Enlighten suplicator!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A grovel is worth quite a lot,
} When a question for Ori you've got.
} Don't do what's required,
} Ori won't be inspired,
} And your question will just be forgot(ten).
}
} So when you're submitting your queery,
} Be sure that the grovel is cheery.
} For if it's not spotted,
} You're sure to get zotted,
} And that, my dear friend, is quite eerie.
}
} So I hope now that you understand,
} Why grovelling I do demand,
} For a grovel I need,
} When your question I read,
} Whether entered from air, sea, or land.
}
} And now you know ... the rest of the story.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 01 Jun 95 00:10:47 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #740-08

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Now, young man, on a scale of 1 - 100, how good is an Amiga computer?
> (taking into consideration the fact that a 1 is about as good as a
> ZX81)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to your question, we've performed a detailed series of
} experiments, and here are our results:
}
} (1) The Doorstop Test
}
} The ZX81 was a clear winner early on, with it's thin sloping
} corner excellent for jamming under doors and stopping them open. The
} Amiga with it's much wider profile, but periously thin plastic, was
} simply pushed aside by any door with mass greater than the door on a
} birdcage.
}
} (2) The Hamburger Test
}
} Using the two computers as a place to temporarily store a hamburger
} while our test programmer used a real machine, like a Silicon Graphics
} Indy, again resulted in a clear win for the ZX81, with its wipe-clean
} keyboard. The Amiga soon had huge amounts of sauce and fat stuck
} between its keys, but a nice herb garden sprouted after a corrobative
} experiment with an Indian takeaway.
}
} (3) The Old Joke Test
}
} Placing both computers inside glass cases with signs saying "Break
} glass in case of emergency" produced a laugh rate of 0.2LU for the ZX81
} and 0.01LU for the Amiga. A control experiment using an abacus received
} 0.7 on the laugh scale. Again, a ZX win, though the Amiga was
} unfortunate in that we did not plan an experiment measuring involuntary
} vomiting.
}
} (5) The Programming Test
}
} Having our test programmer write programs for the two machines gave a
} laugh rate of 0.95LU for the ZX81 (1K RAM) and 0.99LU for the Amiga
} (where 1.0 would indicate convulsions and death). The sole Amiga win in
} our experiments. After continuing the experiment, and switching to the
} psychotic screaming scale of measurement, the Amiga still held a
} commanding lead.
}
} (4) The Masonic Handshake Test
}
} Offering the computers in handshakes to see if they struck some secret
} signal gave null results in all countries in the world except for one,
} The United Kingdom. In the UK, while the Amiga was still ignored, the
} ZX81 resulted in much sucking of teeth, offers of three places on
} QUANGOs, and a life membership of Mensa UK. A ZX win almost by default.
}
} (5) The Boomerang Test
}
} Throwing the computers into the air with a spinning motion again showed
} clear ZX81 superiority, as it flew in a wide, smooth, circle, right
} back to our test programmer. The Amiga flew about ten feet, and landed
} in some kangaroo dung. This did result in improved growth for the
} aforementioned herb garden however.
}
} (6) The Grovelling Test
}
} Offering the two computers as gifts to The Usenet Oracle as part of
} pre-question grovelling resulted in
} AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
}
} ***NO CARRIER***

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 03 Jun 95 00:10:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #741-04

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hello, oh wise and magnificent Oracle, who's knowledge of the
> languages surpasses all!
>
> Please tell me why the most popular and most useful words of all
> language are the expletitives and how this came about.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are really just some leftover bits of debugging code left in by
} the original developers of sentient life, to provide a way of
} troubleshooting various error conditions.  Since the current release of
} humanity is still far from bug-free, they remain a useful diagnostic
} tools, provided one has access to the appropriate documentation.
}
} To determine the error code corresponding to a particular expletive,
} simply add up the numeric value of the letters in the word or phrase,
} in octal, and take the least significant octal digit.  Here is an
} example I have chosen from an encounter you will experience in the near
} future:
}
} CODE  REASON                        EXAMPLE
}
} 0     Abnormal termination          Your girlfriend throws you out of
}       signal.                       the house.
}
} 1     Erroneous arithmetic          After you go to a bar for solace,
}       operation.                    you realize you don't have any cash.
}
} 2     Illegal instruction.          The bartender spots you sneaking
}                                     out.
}
} 3     Interrupt.                    You think you have made a clean
}                                     getaway, till a cop pulls you over.
}
} 4     Illegal memory reference.     He's the girlfriend's brother.
}
} 5     Software termination signal.  He heaves you into the back of the
}                                     squad car
}
} 6     Hardware error.               in handcuffs,
}
} 7     Reserved (system error).      where those five shots of tequila
}                                     put in a reappearance.
}
} I hope this newfound knowledge will give you the grace to remember to
} "smile when you say that," when the time comes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a longshoreman who knows octal.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 03 Jun 95 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #741-06

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question:
>
> Is Keanu Reeves really God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  However, the difference is not always apparent to the uninitiated.
} I shall bring you closer to understanding of both Powers by pointing
} out some of the more important differences between God and Keanu
} Reeves:
}
} 1.)  God holds the power of Life and Death.  Keanu Reeves armwrestled
}      Death. (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)
}
} 2.)  God knows the fall of a sparrow.  Keanu Reeves falls from
}      airplanes. (Point Break)
}
} 3.)  God is the essence of Buddha-nature.  Keanu Reeves is just Buddha.
}      (Little Buddha)
}
} 4.)  God is infinitely loving and forgiving.  Keanu Reeves put a stake
}      through his girlfriend's heart when she left him for Dracula.
}      (Bram Stoker's Dracula)
}
} 5.)  God is the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Keanu Reeves is
}      Denzel Washington's evil brother.  (Much Ado About Nothing)
}
} 6.)  God saves our souls from eternal Damnation.  Keanu Reeves saves
}      buses. (Speed)
}
} 7.)  God left His Word to offer Truth through the ages.  Keanu Reeves
}      barely passed History.  (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)
}
} 8.)  God is worshipped and loved by millions.  Keanu Reeves' lover kept
}      falling asleep.  (My Own Private Idaho)
}
} 9.)  God is all-seeing, all-knowing.  Keanu Reeves can't keep 320
}      gigabytes in his head for long without his brain blowing up.
}      (Johnny Mnemonic)
}
} 10.) In God's eyes:  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and
}      women merely players."  Keanu Reeves can't act.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bible verse containing the word "Excellent!", and
} a list of all major differences between the two Madonnas.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 03 Jun 95 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #741-07

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great, voluminous, mammoth, gargantuan, so absolutely huge Oracle,
> please tell me...
>
> When Bill Gates has a software problem, what help desk does he call?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the answer is...<ring ring>...just a sec, gotta get the phone...
}
} (muffled, in the background)
}   Oracular Help Desk, Orrie speaking. ... Yes Bill, I understand what
}   you're asking.  Are you in front of the machine? ... And the lever is
}   in the inactive position? ... Okay, then just sit on it facing the
}   stall door and the input should be hanging from a roll on the wall to
}   your right. ... No, that should be it until the job finishes. Bye,
}   bye.
}
} ...well, as a professional I'm not permitted to reveal this
} information.
}
} Had I answered, you would have owed the Oracle a sign stating "the job
} is not finished until the paperwork is done."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Jun 95 15:04:52 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #742-03

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, whose words are 256-bits long, whose interrupts
> never happen at innoportune moments, and who can write C++ code using
> exceptions and templates and get it right the first time, will you
> please grant me an answer to this simple question?
>
> Stanford... or Silicon Graphics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh. Look -- if you eighth-century Anglo-Saxons can't figure out
} what to name your villages, you should stop founding them.
}
} *Sigh*. Okay, let's look at your situation. At your proposed site,
} you've got a nice shallow place for cattle to cross the river, and an
} old Roman mile-stone with a few carved letters still visible on it.
} Now, given the importance of the first feature, the most sensible name
} would be "Oxford", but that's already taken. So the two options you've
} come up with are:
}
}      1) Name the village after both the stone and the ford, and call it
}         "Stanford", or
}
}      2) Name it after just the carved stone, and call it "Silicon
}         Graphics".
}
} Of these, the former is by far the better choice. "Stanford" is a good,
} solid, Anglo-Saxon compound word, and is even kind of catchy. "Silicon
} Graphics", on the other hand, is a full five syllables, is not
} particularly euphonious, and consists of one word in Latin (which no
} one in Britain except a few monks can understand) and one word in Greek
} (which no one at all in Britain will be able to understand until the
} Renaissance, which isn't for another eight hundred years). Stick with
} "Stanford".
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of _Bridge Over the River Cam_.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Jun 95 15:04:56 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #742-05

Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Joe Lanklin, an 8th-level trogdolyte programmer/sysadmin, sighs wearily
} in the dark underground of the basement as he slouches back down before
} his terminal.
}
} He has been struggling alone for days now, in volutary isolation from
} friends and family. Joe thought that his great project would be easy,
} but things have been going so very, very wrong.
}
} You see, Joe is trying to install an experimental compiler for a new
} dynamic language, one which was prophesied to alleviate the many great
} problems facing his people--memory leaks,  incomprehensible syntax,
} poorly-defined grammers, long recompilations, and other such plagues.
}
} Unfortunately for Joe, he has just recently discovered that the path to
} enlightenment is not so easy, not by a long shot. The runtime libraries
} are buggy, and it will take many long, involved incantations before the
} shinning creation is available to relieve the suffering of his people.
}
} Joe taps a revised function prototype into the listener, and presses
} ENTER.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cola machine which accepts rumpled dollar bills.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Jun 95 15:04:59 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #742-07

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me
>
> why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this will take a little research.
}
} One glass of water consumed.
} Condition:  I'm not particularly thirsty now.  I feel a bit
} refreshed in fact.
}
} 10 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal,
} no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon.
} Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws.  I'm not the
} least bit thirsty, or hungry.
}
} 50 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank
} you.  That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now.  A mortal
} could not stand it.  Anyway, I think it's time to move on to
} the next step.
}
} *ZOT*
}
} Excess water ZOTted from stomach.
} Result:  I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll
} continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments
} to experience beer in it's proper setting.
}
} One glass of beer consumed.
} Result:  The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but
} I've tasted worse.  Again, I feel a bit refreshed.
}
} 10 glassis of beer consumed.
} Resutl: theres that feeling again.  Well, no, this is diffretn.
} I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places,
} if I were a mortal of course.  Which I'm not.  Did I menshion
} that I could do with a snack?  I think i'l just antiZOT some
} pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label!  Lisa?  Whoops.
} I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be
} getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal.
}
} 50 glkas fberr consmedu.
} Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the
} orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac
} of pziza hooateit.  whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd.
} likamonyah.  heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont
} be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate.
} IM' worknig.  gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit.
} imtheorcl. *ZOOT*  YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(#  damnigottaaim
} beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT*
} NO CARRIER

------------------------------


The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

 O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept
 this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...
 Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

  THE SCENE:  A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three
  20" monitors suspended from the ceiling.  In the middle of the room is
  a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing.  Three programmers dance
  around the machine, chanting horribly.  Their pale, clammy complexion
  is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more
  repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
  
  FIRST PROGRAMMER:  Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
  
  SECOND PROGRAMMER:  Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
  
  THIRD PROGRAMMER:  MacHarpier cries.  'Tis time, 'tis time!
  
  FIRST:  Round about the terminal go;
          In the poisoned upgrade throw.
          Code, which by a student done
          In minutes numbering sixty-one.
          Run-time error, protection fault,
          Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.
  
  ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]:
        Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Tempers burn and data bubble.
  
  SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
          In the Pentium no sound make;
          Point of arrow, click of mouse,
          Scream of user, frightened spouse,
          OS/2's net use appeal,
          Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel.
          For a charm of powerful trouble,
          Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
  
  ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Tempers burn and data bubble.
  
  THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
         You would think you forgot the plug.
         Multitasking, ha ha ho
         If just one worked you'd be good to go.
         This should grab those straggling few
         Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
         Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
         While curse words cross our users' lips.
         Leave the errors in so we can fix
         And sell more...Windows 96!
         And so we will release the Beta
         For corruption of their data.
  
  ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
        Users buy, our profits double.
  
  SECOND: Compile it with errors through,
          Since the users have no clue.
  
  [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]
  
  BillGate:  O, well done!  I commend your pains,
             And everyone shall share i' the gains.
             And now about the program get,
             But NEVER use it on OUR net.
             Security is scarce put in.
                                [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
                                [Exit BillGate.]
  
  SECOND WITCH:  By the usage of my UMBs
                 Wicked Windows this way comes.
                 Open locks,
                 Whoever knocks!
  
  [Fade to black.]


------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise whose knowledge most mortal minds boggles,
> tell me what does fiber optics have to do with beer goggles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} E'en poetic license, your syntax can't excuse.
} Capital letters, too,  you must nevermore abuse.
}
} The number of your verbs and their subjects don't agree.
} Use "do" not "does" for some optics more than three.
}
} The fibers carry queries from supplicant to Oracle.
} The beer goggles' meaning is only metaphorical.
}
} While beer oft fogs the sober mortal's seeing,
} Beer goggles clarify the drunk omniscient being.
}
} The connection between them is apparent, you see.
} Without both, you'll get no response from me.
}
} For services received, this payment is required:
} A new poetic license.  My old one has expired.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah-HA!  So, you think you can fool the Oracle by asking the question in
} a pitch only dogs can hear!  Well, I've got news for you!  I heard
} every word as clear as if you were yelling it in my ear.  Your question
} was:
}
} "How do I stop wetting my bed?"
}
} Well, it's easy.  Sleep on the couch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whistle only deaf dogs can hear.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> how do people always manage to joke, and others don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy oh boy, this is a biggie. I was hoping we immportals could keep
} the answer to ourselves for a bit; you humans who don't know are such
} a laugh!
}
} Oh well, you've got to learn some time. Briefly, it's this; all the
} energy in the Universe is composed of humorous impulses; the Big Bang
} resulted when Nothingness was no longer able to keep a straight
} face. As an example, what actually happens in an atom bomb is that
} when a number of highly excitable atoms are brought close together a
} food-fight is bound to break out.
}
} Thus, all the environmental forces that shaped the evolution of the
} human race were essentially comic. The sabre-toothed tigers that
} mauled your ancestors were simply playing a bit rough. Earthquakes are
} just the planet heaving with laughter. And of course the only defence
} against joke is counter-joke, so humans evolved the ability to laugh
} at their misfortunes, and thus overcame them.
}
} Unfortunately, humour, being a fundamental force, is not easy to
} master. To laugh in the face of the cosmic joke requires a strong
} spirit, a deal of intelligence, and a willingness to distance oneself
} just that little bit from the butt of the joke, or 'reality' as
} scientists erroneoulsy call it. Not all humans measure up; those that
} don't will continue to provide the rest with hours of merriment as
} natural selection pins the 'kick me hard, I like it' notice to their
} backsides.
}
} You owe the Oracle an environmentally friendly stinkbomb.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise oracle
>
> Why does my boss's Digital Notebook not work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it doesn't work silly, it's in management! If you examine it
} carefully, you'll find that it's connected to every other machine in
} the office via a local network, and is running MICROSOFT AUTOMANAGE
} v1.02.
}
} Your bosses' notebook is currently wandering around cyberspace
} distributing virtual forms of paper to each of the office computers,
} all of which must be submitted in triplicate, asking questions like "do
} you feel that you have adequate RAM?", "how heavy is your average
} processor load?", and "please list the areas of your motherboard that
} you believe could be improved". Upon receiving the automated replies,
} your bosses' laptop will then draw a huge number of highly colourful
} pie charts, bar diagrams, and memory mind-maps, which it will print out
} on an A3 sheet colour laseprinter (which incidently none of the other
} computers have) to be hung on the wall by a secretary. It will then bin
} the results of the questionaires, and order itself another 16meg of EDO
} RAM and a MIDI interface.
}
} Next it will announce that all the computers in the main office will be
} replaced by Pentiums as 486s are now out of date (despite it having a
} 286 itself). All computers are instantly ordered to stop computing, and
} close down their hard drive immediately, and have completely clear
} memory in five microseconds. Your bosses' notebook will then cut the
} main power through an I/O interface exactly 5.1 microseconds later.
}
} Tomorrow it will leave the office, to go to an extremely expensive
} hotel in Brighton with all the other computers in Management for a
} 'bonding exercise'. All the management computers will link up together,
} and set up a pattern of socket connections in a pentagram, while a
} Super Nintendo Game Console wrapped in green tinfoil describes the use
} of astrology in deciding when to flush your cache.
}
} And for the next day, well, none of those new Pentiums have filled in
} the questionaire yet....
}
} You owe The Oracle a few hours of 'refuse container placement
} counselling'.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose roasted Woodchuck burgers are never overdone...
>
> Do you have an FAQ list? Clearly, if there's a place where questions
> are frequently asked....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, indeed, I do have a FAQ list. Unfortunately, it's not as useful as
} it might be, since unlike most FAQ lists, it really does list the most
} frequently asked questions. Here it is:
}
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}       Questions Most Frequently Asked of the Usenet Oracle
}
}             Created: 6:23 pm, 19 April, 12,219,730,774 B.C.
}             Last Revised: 7:48 am, 7 June, 1995
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 1:
}
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 2:
}
}      How should I know?
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 3:
}
}
}         :wq
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 4:
}
}      So, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
}      Hahahaha (gasp) hahahahahahaha.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 5:
}
}
}
}        :w
}        :wq
}        :q!
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 6:
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Question 7:
}
}       Are you still at that stupid computer? Cummon, Orrie,
}       come back to bed.
}
}       [Note: This question is only asked by Lisa, but she asks
}        it a lot.]
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a better crop of questioners.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, the sum of whose knowledge is like a vast and
> endless sea, immeasurable by mortal means, this humble supplicant would
> ask a boon of you.  It is a questions unworthy of your greatness, but
> which has nontheless been growing on my mind.
>
> It is simply this:  I have noticed that, with great regularity, people
> that call themselves "road crews" will go through great effort to close
> off all but one lane of traffic (in both directions), frequently
> spending several days placing and then removing red cones on the
> highway, in order to noisily cut a 10' x 10' hole in the pavement.
> This hole is then allowed to sit in peace for a few days, with the
> "road crews" suddenly and mysteriously absent, after which it is filled
> in, and some more red cones are put up and taken down again.  What is
> really going on here?  Is there some purpose, some cosmic meaning,
> behind this seemingly mindless activity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can shed a little light on these issues, although
} I had to consult with the well-known ornithologist, Prof. Dr. Piet
} Buitenbroek, for some details.
}
} The nesting habits of the Orange-breasted Roadcrew (Constructus
} Menatworkus sp.) have baffled biologists for many years.  The
} animals are known to nest in flocks, preferably on hard surfaces
} such as roads and parking lots (hence their name).They mark off
} their breeding grounds with orange, cone-like droppings.  The
} function of these excrements is unknown, but they are likely to
} act as a warning to predators.  The flock then collectively
} constructs a single nest, approximately 10' x 10', one of the
} more remarkable examples of collaboration in the animal world,
} according to Prof. Buitenbroek, an expert in the ornithology of
} the Constructus family.  At times the use of simple tools has
} been observed during nest construction, but Prof. Buitenbroek
} deems it unlikely that such an animal would have sufficient
} brain capacity to use tools intelligently, and he ascribes the
} observations to chance happenings.  Apparently eggs are then
} deposited in the nest.  However, here the baffling part begins,
} for despite the fact that the Crews do not sit on their eggs and
} actually leave the breeding grounds for weeks, no eggs have thus
} far been recovered from any of these sites.  After a prolonged
} absence the animals return, and meticulously close off their
} nest, again using the tell-tale droppings.  Prof. Buitenbroek
} proclaims as his firm conviction that eggs are only deposited
} at this point, and that they are thus covered up once the nest
} is closed.  They then hatch after "a long time", thinks Prof.
} Buitenbroek.  Clearly more research is warranted in this area.
}
} Other habits of the animals observed during nestbuilding are at
} least as surprising.  Strangest perhaps is the collective
} interruption of nest building and turning of heads whenever a
} female Homo sapiens passes the nesting site.  Prof. Buitenbroek
} considers this an aggressive gesture, and he points to the low
} whistles emitted by the animals at such time as evidence.
} However, no actual attacks have been reported.  Another behavior
} pattern of interest is the habit to interrupt nest buidling for
} approximately half an hour ("Usually a little more", ventures
} Prof. Buitenbroek) around noon, during which time the animals
} appear to actually eat another form of excrement, this time
} droppings in the shape of square packages.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Orange-breasted Roadcrew egg.
} Sunny side up.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> On a package of M&Ms the experation date is listed as "May 3,
>  1995; 8:07 a.m." What happens at 8:08?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They hatch. Then they start to eat their way out of whatever they are
} in-- the box, you, etc. Sometimes the strong ones will eat their weaker
} siblings. Once they are free, they will go in search of more food.
} Once they are satiated, they will mate and build a new nest. They like
} to build their nest in warm locations, such as vending machines.
} Having built their nest, the female will fill it with new eggs.  Both
} the male and female will then turn into a sticky film of gunk and coat
} any nearby surface.
}
} You can avoid all this if you just chew them well.

------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and generous Oracle, you are the light of knowledge and
> wisdom for all humanity!  I have crossed mountains, swam oceans and
> even hang-gliding so I could at last be honored by your answer.
>
> This question has tormented me since childhood -- Why can't Wiley the
> Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner, even with the most ingenius traps
> and tricks his small canine brain can devise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Coyote/Roadrunner is a metaphor for the human condition.  In this
} series, the Coyote represents the ego, where the Roadrunner represents
} the id.  The series poigniantly describes the never-ending internal
} struggle between these two aspects of everyone's personality.
}
} As with any struggle, if the two sides are not evenly matched, it will
} end soon.  Not good for ratings.  Also not good for a personality - if
} someone is all ego, they are really unbearable.  Same for id.
}
} So, while it is entertaining to watch the antics of the egomaniac
} Coyote, and the free-running, no-cares roadrunner, one must keep in
} mind the ideological...
}
} <Hold it....Net Police!>
}
} Excuse ME, I am giving a lecture.  My office hours are posted.
}
} <Look, pal, I couldn't care less about office hours.  We need to talk.>
}
} OK, ok, um, Class?  Take a 15 minute break, and return with a treatise
} on the...
}
} <NO, just dismiss them.  We have a lot of talking to do.>
}
} Right.  Class, you're dismissed, but return tomorrow with a 500 word
} essay on the juxtapositions of id and ego, with a counter....
}
} <NO.  Tell them to have a good time.>
}
} Um...
}
} <DO IT!!!>
}
} Class, have a good time, see you tomorrow.
}
} <OK, that's better.  Now, what the hell do you think you're doing?>
}
} Well, I was asked a question about the Coyote and Roadrunner, which I
} saw was clearly a metaphor for the human condition of....
}
} <Yeah, we heard all that crap.  You educrats are all the same; someone
} asks a simple question about a CARTOON, fer cryin out loud, and you
} have to make some Jungian analysis...>
}
} No, this was BF Skinner
}
} <...from what is basically a question about entertainment.  I don't
} care if it's BF Goodrich, it's irrelevent to the question asked.  This
} guy wants to know about big rubber bands, rockets, roller skates, fake
} tunnels painted on rock walls, and pianos that explode when you play a
} high 'b'.>
}
} As I said, it's a metaphor for the constant struggle between the
} aspects of the...
}
} <You don't KNOW, do you.>
}
} What?  Of course I know, if only you'd listen.
}
} <No, you really don't know.  You're just bluffing, I bet you never have
} even SEEN the show.>
}
} I'll have you know, I most certainly have!  Why just last year, at the
} Freud festival in Toledo, I went to a seminar discussing the
} psychological meanings inherent in the symbiology.  They even showed a
} clip.  It was dumb, ignoring all laws of physics.  This canine ran out
} over the edge of a cliff, and continued running until he looked down,
} when he fell.  This is obviously not possible.
}
} <I think we have identified the problem here.  Aside from being a
} pompous ass, you have no sense of humor, do you.>
}
} I minored in comparitive humor, and have published papers on the 7
} major genres of comedy.  The interactions are, I must say, quite
} interesting.
}
} <Yes, but you don't UNDERSTAND it.  It is for fun, for enjoyment.  A
} belly laugh.  Rolling on the floor laughing your ass off.  A nice
} chuckle.  A glimmer of self-recognition.>
}
} But....the metaphor!
}
} <Right, that will be all.  We are placing you under arrest.>
}
} What's the charge?
}
} <No sense of humor, felonious assault of sensibilities, and misdemeanor
} possession of a metaphor.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a burst bubble, and an Acme catalog and gift
} certificate.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 04 Jul 95 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #752-04

Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me if it will be possible, that human feelings sometimes could be
> transmitted over the worldwide information superhighway.
>
> I thank you very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting concept.  Let us imagine some of the possibilities:
}
}    1. Psychologists replaced by debuggers who receive
}       tortured feelings in the mail, patch them, and
}       send them back.
}
}    2. Flames so potent that they literally incinerate
}       the flamee.  Mass deaths reported among users
}       of AOL and Prodigy.
}
}    3. Millions report harassment as lust is sent through
}       the mail.  In a related story, Madonna goes online.
}
} And all of this is just the beginning...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 04 Jul 95 00:10:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #752-08

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O insanely great Oracle, who doesn't need a plane to fly, who excels at
> every Olympic event, who is in a league of your own, whose perspiration
> I am unworthy of mopping up with my best tuxedo, please tell me:
>
> First I asked you a question to which you replied, "*ZOT!*"  So I
> omitted the references to woodchucks, wood, and chucking, rephrased the
> question, and resubmitted it. Again you replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> So I removed the references to lemurs, bedposts, and frinking,
> embellished the question with flattering Oracular references, and
> submitted it yet again. Yet again you replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> So I deleted the references to C programs, dirty GIF files, and Lisa's
> bodacious bod, added a few more lines of groveling, and asked again.
> Again you replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> So I had the heads of the English departments of all the ivy league
> universities check the spelling, grammar, and punctuation of my
> message, asked Kurt Vonnegut to write a stately foreword that I could
> include (royalty-free, of course), and sent my message yet again. And
> again you replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> So I hired several dozen psychics, astrologers, clairvoyants,
> idiot-savants, and mind-readers to analyze my message, and several
> dozen more mystics, witch doctors, voodoo priests, impressarios, gurus,
> and medicine men to remove any bad karma, evil spirits, and bad luck,
> and to bless my message with good karma, good luck, charm, and feng
> shui, and resubmitted my message. Again you replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> So I quit my job, divorced my wife, sold my worldly possessions, shaved
> my head, donned a sack-cloth, and made a pilgrimage on my hands and
> knees all the way from mountains of Nepal to the hallowed halls of
> Indiana University. I waited patiently outside your door through all
> sorts of inclement weather, held daily prayer vigils, and begged your
> High Priests for the opportunity to speak with you. When you finally
> came to the door you looked at me and replied, "*ZOT!*"
>
> Now I'm locked up in a padded cell in a lunatic asylum, completely out
> of my mind, wearing one of those Hannibal Lechter hockey face masks,
> and strapped into a straight jacket. I'm incapable of distinguishing
> right from wrong, sane from insane, and "hello" from "*ZOT!*" so
> anything you say to me now will be inconsequential. But I have just one
> more question to ask you:
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fifty cords.
}
} You owe the Oracle your Prozac prescription.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 06 Jul 95 00:10:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #753-02

Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh highest of high, grovelee of grovellers, the grand Poobah of all
> Poobah's, greatest of great,
> Etcetera, Etcetera, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda....
>
> What ever happened to Cinderella and her glass slippers?
>
> This supplicant kneels on shards of glass, waiting expectantly for your
> answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Twas a long sad tale that one, Supplicant.  Ok, are you all tucked in?
}  I'll read you a story...
}
} /\/\any years ago when the world was a happier place, there lived
} Princess Cindarella, a beautiful and virtuous young woman with shining
} gold tresses and a pleasant disposition.
}
} At first after marrying the Prince and leaving her Sugly Isters behind,
} she was the happiest Princess in the whole kingdom.  The sun was
} shining, the birds were twittering in the trees, and all was at peace
} with Cindarellas world.
}   She couldn't have been happier.  No longer did she have the scrub the
} floors, clean the fireplace, darn the socks, fix the dresses, and do
} all those nasty things her evil step-mother had her do.  Cindarella was
} free to roam around her beautiful crystal palace, and didn't have to do
} anything.  Anything at all.  Ever.  Not a thing.
}
}    At first it was marvellous, but as the years grew on, Cindarella
} became tired of her effortless existence.  Occasionally she'd try to do
} a  little work around the castle, but Prince Charming would stop her
} straight away, because he didn't want his princess to have to work for
} anything ever again. He knew the horror and torment she had endured as
} a young woman, and thought he was doing the right thing by telling her
} to put her feet up.
}
}   Cindarella became more and more frustrated.  There was nothing she
} could do to help - the servants were under strict orders not to let
} Cindarella participate in their day-to-day chores.  "Oh, what to do,"
} she would sigh.
}
}   Inspiration hit one lovely summer's day.  A marching band passed
} through the nearby town.  Cindarella loved the joyous tones,
} particularly those of the piccolo.  She was sure she could feel her
} slippers tingling with delight. Later in the day she summoned one of
} the palace servants to fetch the piccolo player from the band.  She
} decided to learn to play this shrill, bright instrument.  "Prince
} Charming will simply _adore_ it, " she gleefully thought.
}
}   Twice a week she walked the short distance to the Piccolo players
} house, and many months later she had become quite a proficient player.
} Tonight was the night, she decided, when her skill and talent would
} finally be revealed to her husband, who never suspected a thing all
} this time.
}
}   A big dinner party was announced.  Dignitaries and Nobles from all
} around the land came to dine at the crystal palace of Prince Charming
} and Princess Cindarella.  They wined and dined on the most sumptuous
} foods, and a jolly good time was had by all.  Especially Cindarella,
} growing ever more excited by the minute as she prepared for her first
} solo piccolo recital.
}
}   Ching ching ching!  The rap of a spoon on a crystal goblet quickly
} hushed the babbling guests; they all turned their attention to the
} now-radiant Cindarella.  "Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests
} and ambassadors.  I take great pleasure in announcing that tonight
} marks a very important event. If you will be so kind as to listen, I
} shall be performing a solo piece on my piccolo, that I have been
} learning for some time."  After a moment's mystified silence from Prince
} Charming the dining hall erupted into thunderous applause as Cinderalla
} glided over to her husband, the picollo shaking in her hands as she
} prepared to play....
}
}   The first note rang out.  Perfect, clear as a summers day, loud,
} confident, beautiful.  The entire audience was in paroxysms of pure
} ecstasy.
}
}  Then, she played the second note.
}
}   It was ever so _slightly_ sharp.  It appeared that there had been a
} little too much wine and excitement in the Princesses evening.  Her
} slippers started to tingle, resonating to the note that she played.
} She wobbled unsteadily, the glass slippers seemed to be giving way from
} beneath her.  Looking down, she noticed that they had completely
} disintegrated!  Just one wrong note caused her beautiful slippers to
} fragment leaving her standing on nothing but a pile of glass dust.
}
}   But still the note echoed around the dining hall, seemingly gaining
} more strength as it bounced off the crystal palace walls.  Suddenly,
} there was an almighty CRASH!, as one of the beautiful windows collapsed
} in upon itself. This was followed shortly after by great cracks
} appearing in the crystal palace walls.  This single note was echoing
} throughout the entire palace, causing everything to come crashing down
} around their very ears.  Not one piece of the crystal palace was left
} intact.  Within thirty seconds, all that was left were the Prince, the
} Princess, and the guests, sitting where the once was a cystal table,
} now all reduced to dust.
}
}   A _very_ long minute passed in silence.  Prince Charming was the
} first to speak.  "Cinderella, my dear, People living in glass slippers
} shouldn't blow tones....."
}
} You owe the Oracle some piccolo-proof double glazing.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 06 Jul 95 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #753-05

Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, where the heck can I get on to a
> Usenet server? My internet provider doesn't have one. I
> have read every FAQ I can find, I have tried every list
> of public access servers, I have asked all the old net
> hands I have met, and nothing. I want all the groups, I
> want to use my newsreader (not gopher or telnet) and I
> have to be able to get in via the connection from my
> current provider. A lot of internet providers provide
> full service for $25 a month, I'd gladly pay that for
> just Usenet. Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  This is Alison, Lisa's niece.  I'm visiting for a few weeks.  She
} and the Oracle are upstairs right now, something about a widemouth
} bass.  Anyway, he said not to touch anything so I figure just a few
} answers won't hurt anything.
}
} Omigaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaad!  Usenet?  Telnet?  Internet? What are you going
} to do with all those nets????  Something kinky?  And gophers?  I hope
} you aren't planning on doing those sick twisted things I've heard some
} people do.
}
} And what's a public access server?  At Miss Goerring's School for
} Wayward Girls we had one of those, I think.  She was the secretary in
} the biology lab.  At least I think that's how the janitors we played
} strip poker with describe her.
}
} But if your current provider won't use a net to connect you (no gophers
} and I don't blame you) maybe you can find another girlfriend.  Try
} alt.sex.fetish.bondage.  I've always had luck there.
}
} Oopsie...I hear those strange moaning noises coming from upstairs.
} That means they'll be down in a minute.  Gotta go.  Love ya.  Mean it.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 06 Jul 95 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #753-06

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Creative Writing Lesson XLII
>
> Today's bonus word is "crispy".  Please use it at least once when
> completing the following paragraph:
>
> "Courtney shuddered as the waves of passion swept through her
> voluptuous yet tender body.  Seldom had she known such a feeling.  The
> breeze picked up and sent a little shiver up her spine.  Surely,...."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...this had to be the best Extra-Crispy chicken she'd ever tasted.
}
} All right. You owe the Oracle "I will not send the Oracle my homework
} assignments" written 5000 times. Do it again, and it'll be 15000.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 06 Jul 95 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #753-07

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Greatest Of Omniscients, whose Toejam i am not worthy to consume
> (were i to consume toejam), whose Sweat i am not worthy to lick (were
> i to lick sweat), whose Name is always Capitalized even when other,
> more properly-capitalized words aren't, answer my plea:
>
>     Why can't I find a nice guy who isn't more attached to his
>     computer than he is to me?
>
> i wait in quivering anticipation for Your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Back in the good old days, before computers were available to
} the common masses, we had a different method of inciting love
} in males.  My good friend Cupid (or Eros, whichever name you
} prefer) went around with a bow and arrow, and would surreptitiously
} spear young men.
}
} Now these were no ordinary arrows.  Instead of killing the poor
} fellow outright (which a regular arrow would tend to do), Cupid's
} missiles would instead cause the target to fall in love with the
} next figure he saw.  In general, Cupid would make sure that this
} figure was a beautiful young maiden, although every once in a
} while he'd have a little fun and substitute another man, or an
} ox.
}
} But times change, and with the current population explosion,
} there's no way Cupid could keep up with his job using the old
} technique.  So now, instead of shooting arrows at eligible
} bachelors, he fires off cleverly worded e-mail messages to them,
} which have exactly the same effect.
}
} It's a pity Cupid didn't consult me before he started using this
} method, because I could have told him how it would backfire.  Of
} course, the first figure the e-mail's target sees is his own
} computer monitor.  And this is why all the nice guys these days
} just don't pay any attention to you.
}
} You owe Cupid a machine gun.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Jul 95 12:00:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #755-03

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most salient Oracle, for whom the bell tolls, the sun also rises, and
> the casons go rolling along:
>
> There's a local family, the Woods, in town here that will smoke beef or
> pork for a reasonable price.  I have some chuck steak I'd like them to
> smoke, so I called them up last Friday and they said they'd do it with
> an aged mesquite that would really bring out the flavor of the meat, a
> process they refer to as "wooding" (which, I imagine, speaks to the
> product used as well as the family name).
>
> My problem is that they've assigned Charlie to do the job.  Charlie's
> getting up there in years, so I did some calling around for some
> references and now I have a bit of concern about his ability to handle
> the job.  So my question to you would be:
>
> How much chuck could ol' Chuck Wood "wood", if ol' Chuck Wood could
> "wood" chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there, Joel Furr here. I like the grovel.
}
} Okay, first the bad news. I'm afraid the Usenet Oracle is dead. We
} think he OD'd on clueless newbie questions, you know, "how do i telnet"
} and "where can i get a list of newsgroups" and not a capital letter in
} sight. It's bound to take its toll even on an immortal.
}
} Well, as you can imagine, the Oracle's demise caused not a little panic
} among the priesthood, who have got their livelihood riding on this. So
} they got together and decided on a replacement and, as I'm about the
} nearest thing to omniscience you're likely to find on the Net in short
} order, and do a nice line in T-shirts with Net designs (want one?),
} they asked me to stand in.
}
} So that's the good news. However, it does present a bit of a problem as
} regards your particular question. It's clearly a convoluted variant on
} the woodchuck theme, or ZOTbait as we professionals call it, but
} woodchucks don't do anything for me. Lemurs are my thing, as you'll
} know if you've hung around rec,humor.oracle.d for more than 2 or 3
} days. So, with your permission, I'll slightly alter the last line of
} your question to render the humorous intent more applicable. It now
} reads:
}
} > How many lemmings may a lemur immure if a lemur might immure
} > lemmings?
}
} I know the wordplay is a bit weak compared to the original, but I like
} the nod to computer culture by introducing lemmings into it - as in the
} game, you know. Right, so here's your answer...
}
} [With a deafening roar, a huge chasm opens up in the floor of the
} Oracular Chamber. The air fills with the smell of brimstone, and
} tendrils of flame lick the edges of the crevasse. Joel Furr fights
} desperately to regain his balance, fails, and topples over backwards
} into the chasm with a spine tingling screech. At the far end of the
} chamber, a green glow slowly coalesces into a human shape. Is it Alec
} Guinness in one of the later episodes of the Star Wars saga? No. The
} shape solidifies. It's the Usenet Oracle!]
}
} Hah! Dead, am I? Let me tell you something about deities, sunshine! We
} go on and on forever so long as there is still one true believer! Of
} which there aren't too many to be found in my priesthood, it would
} appear. So, Noe, Panzer and the rest of you, as soon as I'm finished
} here, you're toast, you hear me! And I hereby promote my one faithful
} priest, Zadoc, to Arch-Hierophant in Chief of the Church of the Usenet
} Oracle TM (all holy writings subject to copyright).
}
} But first, let's get the morning's supplications out of the way. What's
} this one? "O most salient Oracle... a local family... chuck steak...
} aged mesquite..." WHAT?!? A woodchuck question! I get dragged back from
} the edge of oblivion and the first thing that pollutes my line of sight
} is an effing woodchuck question! That does it!
}
}                               > ZOT <
}
}            > ZOT <      > ZOT <      > ZOT <      > ZOT <
}
}                            > ZZZOOTT!!! <
}
} No more Mister Nice Guy.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Jul 95 12:00:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #755-05

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the purpose of "higher education"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Higher education"--college and grad school--is designed to separate
} those who participate in it from folks with "lower education," a.k.a.
} obedience school.
}
} How else could you tell Brad from Fifi?  Let's try an example.
}
} Brad drinks forty-two beers at the Fraternity Social and barfs all over
} the frathouse rug.
}
} Fifi drinks too quickly from the toilet bowl, and barfs all over the
} rug.
}
} Brad likes his girlfriend Stephanie to put a dog collar on him.
}
} Fifi likes to wear her spiffy, jeweled dog collar.
}
} Brad gets so blitzed he can't see, runs out of the frathouse in his
} underwear, loses control and takes a dump, and leaves his boxer shorts
} hanging on a bush waving in the wind, to be found by a passing student
} on the way to chemistry class in the morning.
}
} Fifi dumps on the lawn fairly regularly.  This is known as her "calling
} card."
}
} Brad is a heel.
}
} Fifi knows how to heel.
}
} Brad will mate with any woman who wanders by the frathouse, and he
} becomes increasingly less picky as his inebriation level increases.
}
} Fifi will mate with any other passing dog, and she becomes increasingly
} less picky in heat, which seems like all the time these days.
}
} Now I ask you, WITHOUT LOOKING BETWEEN THEIR LEGS for the obvious
} clues, how would you know the difference between Brad and Fifi, were it
} not for higher education?  You see, Brad will eventually have a diploma
} to frame for his office wall, and a class ring the size of a pinball to
} prove that he has Higher Education.  Fifi will only know how to sit,
} stay, come, and fetch.  They don't give diplomas for that.  Folks
} meeting Brad and Fifi for the first time will only have to glance at
} his wall to know who's who and what, my friend, is what.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the diploma the Wizard gave the Scarecrow,
} and a bottle of Courage.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Jul 95 12:00:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #755-06

Selected-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> slgjslfkdgjsldfgsdf

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, InterNIC?  Yes, this is Ollie.  You know, the Usenet Oracle.
} Yes, that's right.  I'm getting those misrouted packets for the Mario
} Teaches Typing WWW site next door again, and I'm not happy about it.
} Not at all.  Well, you'd _better_ take care of it this time.  Right.
} You heard about that?  Yes, that was me.  Good!  Then I won't have
} to, unless it happens again.  What's that?  You'd better be!  Bye.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dvorak keyboard.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 12 Jul 95 12:00:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #755-09

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most snide, whose avenging nature surfaces only when subjected
> to the inane queries of obtuse supplicants, bestow upon this humble and
> properly awed mortal an answer to my query...
>
> I have yet to meet a user from either America OnLine or Compu$erve that
> I could not call a boob.  It's almost as if these people are given an
> idiocy test to see if they qualify to be paying customers, then they go
> and annoy everyone else on the 'net.
>
> Why is this, and are there any exceptions to the AOL/Compu$serve
> boob-rule?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HEHEHEHEH U SA1D "B00B" HEHEHEHEHEHE YEAH TH0SE A0L AND C1$ L0ZERS R S0
} LAME THEY R N0T KEWL L1KE ALL THE RAD B1FF PR0D1GY USERZ L1KE
} ME!!!!!!!!1!! YEAH11!!!! PR0D1GY R0CKZ THE NET!!!!!!!11!!
}
} Y0U 0WE THE 0R1CKLE A PH0NE NUMBER AND ID F0R A HACKERZ EL1TE WAR3Z
} B0ARD D00D!!!!1!!AND FTP S1TEZ W1TH KEWL G1FS??? T1FS?? PCXS??/? BMPS?
} JPEGS??? MPEGS?/? AND TELL ME H0W 2 ACKSESS B1TNET UZENET NEWZGR0UPZ???
} D0 U KN0W H0W 2 PR0GRAM KEWL GAMEZ L1KE D00M 1N C???? 1 0NLY KN0W
} GWBASIC. H0W D0 1 UZE G0PHER 0R W00DCHUCK 0R WHATEVR U CALL 1T? WHERE
} CAN 1 ACKSES ARCH1E AND VER0N1CA AND JUGHEAD? AND MR. WEATHERBEE
} HAHAHAHAHA!?? 1 AM S0 FUNNEE!!!!!!
}
} END
} EZ1T
} EXIT
} //EXIT
} QUIT
} BYE
}
} +++ATZ
} ATH0

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 20 Jul 95 08:37:59 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #757-09

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is Shotokai karate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On a small island of southwestern Japan around the 2nd century, a small
} band of ostracized Shaoulin Monks landed. They were masters in the
} "Chicken Style" of Kung-Fu.  Their teaching evolved after their deaths,
} especially with the advent of tall pagodas. You see, shoto is japanese
} for "Shot" and Kai is the japanese suffix for a "floor." In short the
} style involved climbing up to some high floor of the pagoda while the
} enemy remained banging at the door at the base. The master, who is
} wielding a large heavy mass would, as karate implies, "Empty his
} hands," onto his opponent.  An ancient japanese martial arts expert
} once reviled this form of karate as being cowardly and its practicers
} as being feckless. He held this belief until his death some months
} later when, in an appearant freak accident, he was crushed under the
} weight of a sofa, a dresser, and a desk that happened to fall out of
} three different apartments. Later on the Japanese named their income
} tax, the shotokuzei, after this style for its similarly crushing
} effects.
}
} You owe the oracle a titanium umbrella.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 20 Jul 95 08:38:01 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #757-10

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose wisdom is beyond reckoning, please spare me a moment of
> your time and answer my question.
>
> I have heard that with great power comes great responsibility.  Does
> great wisdom come with anything extra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it can.  For 80 cents extra, you can also get fries & slaw.  The
} truely wise would steer clear of the slaw.
}
} You owe the Oracle your undying grattitude!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Jul 95 08:32:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #758-02

Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Computer Training Iz We, Inc., a Client/Server training company with
> clients ranging from the mega-corporation to the 3-person-in-the-garage
> software company, is looking for qualified Oracle instructors.
>
> If you have extensive experience using Oracle either as a DBA or
> programmer, have teaching experience, and/or have high quality training
> materials in a variety of subjects relating to Oracle, we'd love to
> hear from you.  Also, if you have the freedom to travel on occassion to
> various parts of the United States and Canada, this is a definate plus.
>
> Please email me at: jdoe@ispv.com or call John Doe at:
> (123)456-7890 ASAP.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       Thank you for the opportunity of an interview with your company.
} I've enclosed a resume to give you some idea of my background and work
} experience.
}       Since I already know you wish to arrange an interview, I will
} stop by your office today, at 1:00 PM.  You already have a have a dental
} appointment scheduled at that time, but I would not be concerned.
} Your dentist will be involved in a two car collision at 12:10 PM,
} after spilling a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his lap while rushing
} back to his office.  He will suffer only minor injuries to his lower
} back and right shoulder.  His nurse will cancel your appointment at
} 12:50 PM.
}       I look forward to meeting with you, and discussing the work
} of your company in greater detail.  Better answer the phone now; it's
} an urgent call from your wife.
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.
} --------------------------------------------------
}                               Oracle
}                               Delphi
}                       Phone: (111) 111-1111
}                       E-Mail: oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} EDUCATION
}
}       AS, BS, PhD, MMD,... from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Univ. of
} Pennsylvania...
}
} WORK EXPERIENCE
}
}       _Usenet Oracle_;  beginning of Usenet to present
}
}       As Usenet Oracle, It is my responsibility to answer all questions
} put to me in an honest and forthright manner.  I interact with many
} people of varied backgrounds.  I am good with pets.
}
}       My duties include (but are not limited to) the following:
} knowing the unknown, seeing the unseen, pondering the unponderable,
} speaking the unspeakable, uncovering the covered, covering my
} feet when they're cold, printing the unprintable, writing the
} unwriteable, speling the unspelable, cleaning the uncleanable,
} "able"ing the un"able"able, "ing"ing the un"ing"able, "un"ing the
} un"un"able, quoting the unquotable, noting the unnotable, doting on
} my neice, lying on my fleece, fleecing the unfleecable, creasing the
} uncreasable, greasing the skids, thrilling the kids, policeing the
} police, balancing the books, looking the looks, walking the walk,
} talking the talk, shuckin' the jive, stayin' alive, wondering the
} unwonderable, sponging the unspongable, ZOTing the unZOTable...
}
}       I also do windows.
}
}       _Oracle at Delphi_; beginning of time to beginning of Usenet
}
}       Hercules and the Twelve Year Punishment, King Eurystheus of
} Mycenae, Sea Monster, Andromeda Chained to Rocks, Perseus, King
} Cepheus.  You know the rest.
}
} RECOGNITION
}
}       Created the Nobel Peace Prize, when Alfred asked me what he
} should do with all his money...
}
}       Completed the Declaration of Independence when Jefferson asked
} me if all men really *were* created equal...
}
}       Instituted the first cooking school when I told Yog of Ghitherg
} that the meat would taste better if he dropped it in the volcano for
} a few minutes...
}
} INTERESTS
}
}       I have a bleck belt in all martial arts, love to wind surf, and
} participate in full contact origami. (Wait, I'm sorry; wrong text file.)
}
}       I am also an expert chef.  Would you like a recipe for brazed
} woodchuck?
} --------------------------------------------------
}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       I am including this follow-up letter now, since I already
} know that you've decided to hire me.  I am flattered that you consider
} me partnership material, although I am a bit dissappointed that you
} will try to start me in a sales position to see if I can work well
} with people - and to save money.  Most of your employees think *you*
} are the one who has an ego problem, with the exception of that cute
} secretary you've been boffing on the week-ends.
}       Unfortunately, I must decline your generous offer.  Although
} you think the angry call you just received from your wife is another
} one of her meaningless threats, you are wrong.  She fully intends to
} seek a divorce.  In fact, she hired a private investigator to catch
} you and the secretary "flagrante delicto".  She has many compromising
} photographs.  In color.
}       Due to this sad turn of events, your company will close its
} doors in 3 months.  After the divorce proceedings, you will find
} yourself penniless and without a job.  Do not be concerned.  You will
} be subsequently hired by Borland Inc. as a new account salesman.
} You will travel the Pacific Rim market extensively.
}       Better answer the phone now; it's an urgent call from your lawyer.
}
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Jul 95 08:32:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #758-07

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise and knowledgeable Oracle, there are certain stereotypes
> of women, i.e. blondes are said to be dumb, redheads are supposed
> to have fiery personalities, and so on.  Is there any basis to these
> stereotypes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THIS IS LISA - ORRIE'S A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW!
} (muffled cry in background)
} I'll answer your brilliant, incisive, well considered, seriously
} lacking a grovel, also lacking a clue question.
} Now to aid you in your festering ignorance, I will proceed to list the
} absolute truth about hair color and personal attributes:
}
} Blondes: are aliens sent to conquer humanity by turning the rapidly
} decreasing percentage of the male population in EVEN BIGGER assholes -
} if such a thing was possible!
}
} Redheads: are sent to do the same for Irish-American assholes
}
} Brunettes: are cloned from the queen brunette - spunky Mary Tyler Moore
} - and only await the signal to begin a manic killing spree, targeting
} anyone named "Mr. Grant"
}
} Black-haired: Goddesses all!
}
} Bald: anti-pope terrorist unit
}
} Blue: hair salon support network.
}
} Green: Chia heads
}
} Blonde in a Bottle: evil minions of Satan.
}
} You owe Lisa an apology & the oracle balm for his face - Duct tape can
} sting when it is removed.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Jul 95 08:32:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #758-10

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear most great and wonderful Wizard of Oz. No, wrong person. Let me
> start over. Dear most horrible and undeserving Wicked Witch of the
> West. NO, that's not right either. Ummm, oh yeah! Dear most loving and
> intelligent Oracle, yeah! That's it! Dear Oracle, please tell me what
> to do to get the movie "The Wizard of Oz" out of my head. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, If it isn't my old friend, Johnny Mnemonic.
}
}       John, John, John.  When will you learn to stop batch-downloading
} the Usenet Movie Archive straight to your brain?  Without the proper
} command filter, the first movie chosen is stored multiple times for
} greater clarity on playback. If you're not careful it'll fill up all
} available space.  In your case that means about 200 milllion copies of
} the "Wizard of Oz" in the old wetware.
}
} Let's see what we can do.  Here, plug yourself into this.
}
}   >Snap<      >Click<     >Buzzzzzzzz<
}
}   oracle{oracle}1: brainmount /dev/cyber/JM
}   /dev/cyber/JM mounted
}   oracle{oracle}2: cd /JM/brain/home
}   /JM/brain/home
}   oracle{oracle}3: df /JM/brain/home
}                              mbytes     used  avail  cap.  mounted
}   /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home  6000000  6000000      0  100%  /orcacle
}   oracle{oracle}4: ls | more
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.1      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.9      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.17
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.2      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.10     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.18
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.3      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.11     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.19
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.4      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.12     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.20
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.5      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.13     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.21
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.6      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.14     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.22
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.7      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.15     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.23
}   Wizard.of.Oz.flm.8      Wizard.of.Oz.flm.16     Wizard.of.Oz.flm.24
}   --More-- (0%)
}   ^C
}
} Well, we can certainly see the problem, eh?  You're system can't even
} process comands internally, it's so clogged.  Good thing I'm omnipotent
} - hacking that root password out could take weeks.
}
}   oracle{oracle}5: su
}   password:
}   oracle{root}1: rm Wizard.of.Oz.flm.*
}   2,463,928,287 file(s) deleted
}   oracle{root}2: ls
}   The.Wiz.flm     The.Wzard.of.Space.and.Time.flm         Wizards.flm
}   oracle{root}3: exit
}   oracle{oracle}5: df /JM/brain/home
}                              mbytes     used    avail  cap.  mounted
}   /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home  6000000  1823746  4176254  30%   /orcacle
}
} That should take care of it.  Next time don't forget the -c when you
} batch download. That'll only send one copy of each film.
}
} You owe the oracle a set of 16 Gig SIMMs and the lyrics to "Ease on
} Down the Road"

------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 95 00:10:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #759-02

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where is the best place in town to meet people? I'm not looking for a
> really serious date, but just somebody nice.
>
> ==================
> Jane Doe
> St Elmo Medical Center

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down the hall, turn left - see the sign that says men on the door?
} Take it off & hang it on your office door.
} Sure fire way to meet people & discover if they have a sense of humor
} too.
}
} You owe the oracle a roll to two-ply, extra soft bathroom tissue.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Jul 95 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #759-06

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When will marijuana be legalized in the U.S.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
}    Here is a concise future history:
}
} 1997: Gov. Pete Wilson takes over the Presidency of the United States,
} becoming the forty-third U.S. President, under his campaign promise:
} "I smoked it, but it was made in the U.S. and provided jobs for five
} hard-working U.S. citizens."
}
} 1998: Surgeon General McAffee produces report that smoking marijuana
} converts people from type A personalities (aggressive) to type B
} personalities (more laid-back), making them less susceptible to
} heart attacks, strokes, ulcers, and voting outside the party line.
}
} 1999: (February 23)  Newt Gingrich passes a bill saying that no one
} who has smoked marijuana, had sex with a married woman other than their
} wife, or accepted a bribe worth more than $10,000 may hold public
} office.
}
} 1999: (February 24)  To their immense surprise, Democrats retake the
} House and Senate from the Republicans, due to the third measure of the
} above bill.
}
} 2000: Pres. Wilson declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} ... oh, dear... let me flip through this...
}
} 2004: Pres. Mike Kinsley declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} 2008: Pres. Colin Powell declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} [flip]
}
} 2030: Pres. Wil Wheaton declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} Hrm.  I don't see it happening until the Great Islamic Uprising of
} 2055, when alcohol is banned but kif becomes legal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good grovel, some of the pottery that was removed
} from the Mexican shipments marked 'Fragile: Archelogical Samples', and
} four ounces of Erisian Gold.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 31 Jul 95 14:22:46 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #761-04

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Dr. Supplicant,
}
} Our panel has discussed your doctoral thesis on the existence of
} life and the meaning of it all for quite some time, and although
} the board stood generally divided, an end vote in your favor allows
} us to announce you as a true, offical doctor of philosophy.  You
} have our congradulations.
}                                       --Dr. Joseph Plank
}
} You owe the Oracle one copy of your real thesis.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 31 Jul 95 14:22:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #761-07

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great and groovy Oracle, please hear my lament...
>
> Tis the night before blocks and all through the house
> No electronics are stirring, not even my mouse.
> The Biochem test that's scheduled tomorrow
> Has filled up my evening with tension and sorrow.
>
> I've no time for AFU, alt.sex, or flamers,
> No time for woodchucks, or AOL LaMeRZ.
> Just Henderson-Hasselbach! Watson and Crick!
> Enzyme Kinetics! No rec.humor schtick.
>
> I can't check out the Web due to DNA-ligase,
> Can't read MAKE MONEY FAST!!! to see how much it pays.
> I'm stuck with the books and there's no end in sight.
> So tell me O Oracle, what did I miss tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} My Oracular heart goes out to thee,
} No USENET, no MUDs, no IRCs for you,
} Stuck home studying biochemistry.
} For a breather here's a brief review:
}
} On alt dot sex dot binaries dot pics:
} Hugh Grant whoring in his luxury car.
} You're so jaded that it didn't make you sick?
} Have some naughty pictures of Rosanne Barr.
}
} On the hacking newsgroups there is a feud
} Between AOL and Netcom dot com,
} Forged posts and email slow the net like glue,
} Pull the plugs sysops, to your senses come!
}
} The communications deceny act has
} Anarchists and pornographers together
} Forming civil groups with roots of grass
} With a cry of:  "Watch out for big brother!"
}
} Perhaps dear student, I suggest with a smile
} Instead of the net try real life for a while.
}
} To the Oracle you owe only one thing that matters:
} Bill Gates' head, chocolate-dipped on a platter.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 31 Jul 95 14:22:52 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #761-08

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> why i can't e-mail my brother

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this truly should be in the Oracle's Frequently Unanswered
} Questions (you spell it out) so _I_, THE Oracle, shall now finally
} answer it.
}
} Anyone who has a LISOWIF (Live In Significant Other Who Is Female) has
} been exposed to the first critical step in e-mailing your brother.
}
} Ever notice what your LISOWIF says when she puts on a fancy new dress?
} She turns around, exposing her bare back, and says "Can you zip me up
} please?"
}
} Therefore, the first step to e-mailing your brother is to have him put
} on a nice evening dress.
}
} From there, you must run your e-mail package. (We'll assume it's a
} Windows system)
}
} Have your brother climb through your bedroom window (preferably in his
} newly zipped dress).
}
} So now you have a zipped brother in windows.  You now need to pull up
} your e-mail application.   Double-click on the appropriate icon.
}
} Now he needs to be loaded.  If you work rapidly, a six-pack of Coors
} Artic Ice ought to do it.
}
} So now you are running your e-mail program with your zipped brother
} loaded in windows.
}
} At this point the e-mail software should automatically form all
} "attachments" for your brother (the computer should preferably
} be sexually attracted to your brother to wish to get "attached".
} If that brother-to-computer attraction isn't there, then
} you may need to UUENCODE him yourself to include him in your mail,
} but that's beyond the scope of this response, as I've never UUENCODED
} a brother before).
}
} Now, to send him your software should say "Enter adress" which you have
} already had your brother do (see, we're way ahead of the program
} here...)
}
} then just press the "send" button.
}
} Voila!  Not so bad, was it?
}
} Unfortunately, unzipping your brother, removing him from windows and
} opening him up into Word will require a second request.
}
} You owe the oracle two Star Trek transporters, and 25 push-ups.

------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 08:39:01 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #764-06

Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> ell me, o wise oracle. What ever shall i get my girlfriend for her
> birthday? She's very special to me, and her birthday will almost mark
> the 2 Month milestone... ideas?
>                                         desparately in love
>                                                 Pete

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If she's very special to you, Pete, she's very special to me, too.  So
} I want her to have the very best.  That is, of course, me.  Give me her
} home address, and make yourself scarce tomorrow night.  I'll make sure
} she...
}
} What?  Oh, nothing, Lisa.  Just another boring question from another
} boring supplicant.  Tomorrow night?  Sure, I'm free.  I'd love to.
}
} Sorry for the interruption, Pete.  I'd recommend a box of chocolates.
} Hide the key to her new car under the one with the cherry in it.
}
} The Oracle has spoken (in a whisper, thank goodness).

------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 08:39:04 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #764-07

Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose benevolence is dispensed in economy 12-packs, I'm
> involved in a love-hate relationship. I love the way Pop-Tarts make me
> feel in the morning -- so warm and sweet -- but I hate the fact that I
> have to pay money before they will share themselves with me. This John
> is growing tired of their tricks.
>
> If I were The Pop-Tart Pimp, would these delicious treats then give
> themselves to me freely?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, now this is a true dilemma, the pop tart pimp, you say.
} Being the Pop-Tart pimp will not solve your problem.  If you were
} the pop tart pimp you would have the occasional privilege of
} taking your own merchandise for free, that's a given.  Though you
} would also have to stand back, watching powerlessly as the very
} object of your needs and desires was taken, repeatedly,
} brutalized and molested by third parties. That are totally
} unaware of the intimacy you have experienced with the subject of
} their momentary lust.  After a while the warmth and sweetness you
} are so accustomed to will turn to cold bitterness as the guilt,
} for reaping monetary rewards, by the prostitution of your tarts
} sets in. Though these benefits would be attained at no cost to
} yourself the merchandise will no longer taste as good if your
} perverting the tarts you stick in your mouth.
}
}                                     Oracle (and fellow Pop-tart fiend)

------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 08:39:06 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #764-08

Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose financial savvy far outweighs that of McKinsey, Bain,
> and Schwab combined, please offer your counsel on the following:
>
> I am a management consultant with Scheister & Co.
> One of our clients is a Mr. Charles Wood, CEO of a powerful timber
> company. Mr. Wood has sought out our services because he believes his
> firm will be adding chucking technology in the near future.
> Given optimal human inputs and resource allocation, and assuming a
> marginal risk threshold, what quantity of wood should I project that
> the firm of Wood, Chuck Inc. will be able to chuck once the technology
> is in place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None.  Here's the schedule of events as they will occur :
}
} September '95 - "New" technology arrives from supplier "Furr and
}       Weintraub".  The orders for equipment got mixed up and it turns
}       out you got a box of Lemurs.
}
} November '95  - Order is finally recieved from supplier.  You get
}       ready to rev up the 'Box `o WoodChucks'.  However, it is claimed
}       that some annoying, woodsie kind of person (probably don Henley
}       at his most self-righteous) claims to have seen a spotted owl.
}       Work halts.
}
} March '96     - After extensive searching, no spotted owls are found.
}       Work prepares to go on, but one of your workers is found smashing
}       a small woodland creature resembling a Lemur.  While this amuses
}       the Oracle greatly, the EPA is not.
}
} May '96       - In a stunning, bi-partisan reaction to the splattering
}       of a Lemur, Congress votes to have your entire company *Zot*ed
}       by yours truly.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest futures on pork bellies and one flat
} Lemur.

------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 08:39:12 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #764-10

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Mr. Reagan, we know there is nothing on your mind right now.
} We've always known it.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 29 Aug 95 16:28:56 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #769-05

Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey you! I've sent you stacks and stacks of questions and you ain't
> replied to even a single one yet! What's up? Don't ya serve
> AOL'ers????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure we serve AOL'ers.  We gladly kill them, dress them, prepare them,
} cook them, and serve them.
}
} The problem is getting anybody to sit down and eat one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Compuserver over easy, with a side of Prodigy.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 95 14:44:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #772-01

Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise and
> Righteously indignant
> And spectacularly
> Cool and marvelously
> Laid-back and all-around
> Excellent Oracle:
>
> Why are men who have sex with many women "studs" and looked at
> favorably, but women who have sex with many men "sluts" and treated
> like pond scum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well - from my perspective, such women are wonderful, giving, exciting
} especially the cute one who like dressing up like ....
}
} -ORRIE SHUT UP! I'll take it from here
}
} It seems like Lisa wants to answ...
}
} - -Damn Right I do! There seems to be a great deal of ignorance among
} women concerning the ways of men in the sexual arena. To help all of
} you out I'm going to list various types of men who fancy themselves
} "studs" and provide an accurate, truthful - unbiased account of their
} evil, pond scummy ways.
}
} The Ex-Jock:
} The ex-jock is found in any number of places - but principally in
} Sports Bars, frat houses. You can identify him by his penchant for
} wearing "officially liscensed" sporting apparel, the vain attempts to
} conceal the beer gut & the glaze of testosterone over his eyes. Their
} favored method of seduction is via inebriation. Be careful - if you
} kiss him  - he will interpret that as one big "Yes!"
}
} The Sensitive Guy:
} Likes sweaters, He will actually nod his head as if he was listening to
} you. there are three standard responses the sensitive guy has learned
} "...and how did that make you feel?", "oh - that must of been awful!",
} and "I just don't understand how some men can be like that". Beware of
} his passive-aggressive methods of seduction - "Okay, <sniff> I guess I
} ought to leave now".
}
} The Foreigner:
} A very sophisticated operator - but easy to see through. He treats
} women like poopy, and it's accepted as a cultural difference. Often
} times he will dress as well as you  - if not better. Be careful of
} accents, excessive cologne and micro-brief bathing suits. The foreigner
} will seem mysterious, and exciting at first - but then you will realize
} that he is *here* because he screwed over all the women in his native
} land - and fled the mob gathered to stone him, fearing for his life. He
} promises "untold pleasures" and calls you a goddess (which is nice to
} hear) - but give him an opportunity & he'll have you doing his laundry
} & putting out Galuiose cigarettes on your cat.
}
} The Tortured Artist:
} Has a certain fixer-upper appeal. Painters & sculptors are coated in
} the dust and muck of their crafts; writers are just unwashed. They are
} perceptive enough to tell you how beautiful you are - but they "just
} can't seem to get unblocked!" Warning: when they start "looking for
} inspiration" - it tends to be under your clothes. Rather than deal with
} you - they get surly and psycho.
}
} I'm A Cowboy:
} Sees you as a cow to be corraled, branded and turned back into the
} herd. While they do have the oh-so attractive, leathery tanned skin -
} their come-on usually goes a little something like this: "I couldn't
} help but notice you - and I gotta tell you - I've got a bulge for you
} bigger than the Texas panhandle".  Suave, Bucky - really suave.
}
} I Wanna Be a Cowboy : (....and you can be my cowgirl. (80's musical
} reference)) Combines the coarse lewdness of the Cowboy with idiotic
} suburban clumsiness. do you really want to be with a man who enjoys
} playing "dress-up" outside the bed room? I thought not. Easily
} identified  - same build as the ex-jock, stupider "western-inspired"
} clothes.
}
} I Wanna Be Burt Reynolds:
} 'nuff said
}
} Frisky, Drooling Check-out Boy:
} Stares at your chest while scanning your groceries. Spotted by the acne
} & bright nylon smock. Doesn't actually try to seduce  - but just as
} annoying.
}
} Frisky, Drooling Executive:
} Replace smock with suit, acne with 2 or three more chins. The problem
} with this one is that he does try to seduce,*and* he signs your
} paycheck. My suggestion.- find out where they live, set up sniper's
} nest - when they stick their pudgy, swollen heads out the door - Shoot
} 'em.
}
} There are plenty more types out there - but what women have to realize
} that men are the naughty ones! The male slut comes in many shapes and
} sizes - be aware of them & be ready to put down like the dogs they are!
}
} You owe Lisa Burt Reynold's toupee on a platter.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 95 14:44:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #772-03

Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle Mighty, Deep and Wise
> Lend me your ear and open my eyes
> Is it just me or is in fact there a rule,
> That says record store clerks have to act so damn cool?
> That they should have unusual hair and accessorize with unusual things?
> That whatever their sex they should all wear rings,
> The females in their navels or noses and the males in their ears?
> That they should greet even ring-bearing customers with Elvis-like
>   sneers?
> We're used to rock stars being flip and unkempt
> We're used to receiving, along with each song, a free share of contempt
> But don't you think, Mighty Oracle, that it's truly obscene,
> When the same shit is dispensed by a loser behind a cash machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, listen - for I shall relate
} The cause of the attitude which you so hate.
} Now record clerks are in the main academes
} With a B.A. in English and high-flying dreams
} Of composing a novel that e'er will endure
} (And should also sell eight million copies or more)
} These young, idealistic, untalented slobs
} Are too busy Searching for Truth to hold jobs
} Except of the meanest, most menial sort
} (Such as street sweepers, sales clerks, or software support)
} They sneer with contempt at societal norms -
} Did Thoreau "fit in"? Did Dos Passos "conform"?
} And piercing their bodies, with terrible pain
} May bring them the insights of Milton or Crane!
} But though they've accomplished herculean feats
} (Like a new deconstruction of Byron and Keats),
} *You* come to their store, you insensitive jerk,
} And ask that they leave off reflecting to WORK???
} How dare you approach with your lucre in hand
} To pester them endlessly with your demands!
} Was Sartre thus bothered? Did Kant's reason fail
} When some bourgeois scum asked him to ring up a sale?
} So take your CD's and get out of their face -
} They all have a strong need for personal space.
}
} I've answered your question as well as I can;
} You owe me a quatrain that actually scans.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 95 14:44:39 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #772-08

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
> Could you please tell me:
>
> Which is the fastest, efficient, most frequently used network
> configuration?
>
> Thank you.  I would appreciate your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A 3.5" floppy disk and a pair of running shoes (AKA SneakerNet).
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster network.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Sep 95 10:35:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #773-05

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gracious Oracle, greatest of all beings,
> please give this humble supplicant a little advice.
>
> My sister's birthday is coming up, and I'm trying to get
> her a nice birthday present.  I know she loves Gilbert
> and Sullivan's operas, and so I was thinking of getting
> her a recording of one.  Which one would be the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               ARIA
}
}      For I'm called Little Oracle--dear Usenet Oracle,
}         And no one should need to ask why,
}      So thus I'm called Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle,
}         Sweet Little Oracle I!
}
}      I've humor and wit, I've got quite a bit,
}           I've boundless stores of advice
}      I've tricks and tips, and perfect birthday gifts
}           For pretty young sisters and wives.
}
}      "Mikado" and "Pinafore" are two that she'll die for
}           and Pirates of Penzance makes three;
}      But for info that's more, that she's sure to adore
}           Look no further than http
}
}      For librettos and scores, and probably much more
}           Which both of you should think is swell
}      Put on your trousers and point your web browser
}           At http://diamond.idbsu.edu/GaS/GaS.html!
}
}      Then give thanks to your Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle;
}           Supplicants should never by shy;
}      For the omniscient Oracle--sweet Usenet Oracle;
}           Will always tell you when, where, and why!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance to take your sister to the cast party.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Sep 95 10:35:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #773-08

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                            WOODCHUCK MAN
>                              a song by
>                      They Might Be Supplicants
>                      ---- ----- -- -----------
>
>        Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man
>        Doing the things a Woodchuck can
>        What's he like?  It's not important
>        Woodchuck Man
>
>                                Is he calm?  Or running amuck?
>                                When he's in wood, does he chuck?
>                                Or does the wood get him instead?
>                                Nobody knows.
>                                Woodchuck Man
>
>        Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>        Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man
>        They have a fight, Oracle wins.
>        Oracle Man
>
>                                Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man
>                                Really Annoying Supplicant Man
>                                Usually asks about Woodchuck Man
>                                Supplicant Man
>
>        He's got a watch with a minute hand,
>        Millenium hand and an eon hand
>        When they meet it's a happy land
>        Powerful man, Supplicant Man
>
>                                Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>                                Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man
>                                They have a fight
>                                Oracle wins

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       Why Won't You Shut Up
}                           by Van Oracle
}                       ---------------------
}
} Oh, another one,
} A silly question again
} Wasting all my time,
} Every time we tak
}
} No matter how
} Many times I begin
} You always ask
} Way too much
}
} Hey, I'm an Oracle
} I'm sick of it all
} Same ol' questions every day
}
} Fix all of your mistakes?
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Without any thought,
} Oh tell me Why won't you shut up?
}
} Figure it out yourself
} Foolish supplicant
} Stupid questions
} Always ruin my day
}
} Oh, I know
} The answers to everything
} But wnough's enough
} Now please just go away!
}
} Oh, I'm an Oracle
} I am immortal
} Still you bother me every day
}
} Oh, you're such a disgrace
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Zot right in your face
} Oh tell me Why won't you shut up?
}
} < Insert Cool Oracle Solo Here >
}
} I've got what it takes,
} So tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Usually in bad taste
} Oh, tell me Why won't you shut up.
}
} Tell me Why won't you shut up?
} Got to know Why won't you shut up?
} I wanna know Why won't you shut up?!?!?!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 13 Sep 95 11:58:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #774-05

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    Oh, splendorous Oracle, who has never had a bad hair day and whose
> ends are never split, please answer this humble supplicant's query...
>
>     What can I do to make myself more financially secure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O penurious one, you ask a trivial question.  Financial security can be
} simply obtained.
}
} First, obtain a trenchcoat, a fedora, and a beat-up Chevy.  (All of
} these may be borrowed.)  Next Tuesday morning, drive the Chevy to
} work.  At 10:23am, and put on the trenchcoat and fedora, and slip out
} of work.  Drive to the nearest McDonald's, ensuring that you are not
} followed.  Enter the restaurant, looking around carefully to identify
} all entrances and exits.  Go to the clerk furthest to the right, who
} will give you the password, "can I help you?"  Respond with "I have to
} make a call -- where's a pay-phone?"
}
} When the phone is pointed out to you, go to it, and dial (616)
} 555-1212.  Let no one see you dial that number, which is highly
} sensitive!  Another agent will answer, giving the password "what
} city?"  You must reply "Ada ... the Amway Corporation."  Dial the
} number you are given, and ask for the name of a distributor in your
} area.  Call that third number.  You will receive further instructions
} at that time.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 95 00:10:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #777-05

Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose whites are whiter and whose colors are brighter than
> any other brand....
>
> I have an immense interest in computers, and almost no interest in
> sports. Consequently, I am a girl repellent.  I'm looking for interests
> other than computers and sports that I can use to downplay my computer
> interests, in order to rid myself of the invisible sign over my head
> that says "DORK".  I cannot rely entirely on television, because an
> increasing number of people don't watch television.  My musical taste
> lies mostly in the heavy metal genre, which no one seems to like
> anymore.  Other than that, my mind is pretty much a blank slate.  Also,
> I'm too jittery to take up skydiving, so that's right out.  My budget
> forbids the ownership of a car.
>
> What, then, should I take up in order to get a life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, the Oracle's heart goes out to you.  Not that the
} Oracle has *ever* had any problem like the one you describe, because
} the girls at his school preferred the short, skinny, socially inept
} individuals to the muscular ones with good hair. Really.
}
} Not that the Oracle doesn't have good hair.
}
} Anyway, to get on with answering your question, here is a list of a few
} possible activities you could pursue, along with their pros and cons.
}
} ACTIVITY      PRO                            CON
}
} Cooking       Girls are always impressed     You will be forced to do
}               by a guy who knows the diff-   all the cooking for the
}               erence between frying and      rest of your life.
}               sauteeing.
}
} Tarot cards   Great at parties - girls       *Knowing* that you will not
}               will flock around you.         get lucky.
}
} Fundamentalist
} religion:
}    Christian  Lots of very nice girls who    The only topic you can talk
}               are willing to talk to you     about is "How Much Jesus
}               for extended periods of time.  Means To Me."
}
}    Islamic    You can have up to four        You can't actually see what
}               wives.                         they look like until you
}                                              marry them.
}
} Photography   You don't actually have to     People tend to get
}               have any film in the camera    suspicious when you don't
}               to claim you are a scout for   produce any actual
}               a modeling agency.             pictures.
}
} Art           You will seem a cultured,      All the girls you will meet
}               educated individual.           dress in black and read
}                                              poetry that doesn't rhyme.
}
} Politics      Working door-to-door for a     You have to put up with the
}               campaign will allow you to     candidate you are working
}               meet many women.               for.
}
} Environment-  Being passionately committed   You have to stop wearing
}    alism      to a cause makes you look      leather shoes and start
}               good in the eyes of many       separating your trash in
}               girls.                         order to avoid looking like
}                                              a hypocrite.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invisible sign over your head that says "ASK
} ME IF I'VE FOUND GOD."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 95 00:10:47 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #777-09

Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you really know how to think,
> If you were a woman, I'd buy you a drink,
> but no-one can help me except maybe you,
> so Orrie, please tell me, or give me a clue:
>
> I'm writing a poem, I'm writing it twice
> I'm keeping a copy, I'll put it on ice
> 'cause I know the pixies who live in the net
> are changing my words round but I'll catch them yet!
>
> I guess what I need is an idea for bait
> to put in the pixie trap I did create.
> I've carefully tuned it, it's time for a test,
> so Orrie, please tell me, what pixies like best!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a serious problem that you've brought to me
} You're truly concerned, now that's plain to see.
} But I cannot help you, my powers must fall,
} 'Cause pixels don't live in the Network at all!
}
} A pixel's existence is local, you see...
} It lives on the screen of your CRT.
} Its wants are quite simple, its needs very few,
} All that it lusts for is Red, Green and Blue.
}
} A pixel does pictures, it doesn't touch words.
} Well...some people bitmap, but those are all nerds.
} And so if your poems are not getting through,
} We can't blame the pixels, we must look at you.
}
} So if you are certain your poem left intact,
} And arrived at the target a victim of hack,
} Blaming the pixels compares apple to orange,
} And ... errr...
}
} ) Orrie?
}
} ) Yes, Lisa?
}
} ) May I interrupt you for a moment?
}
} ) Sure, go ahead. I seem to have worked myself into a corner here
}   anyway.
}
} ) Orrie, I think the supplicant said "pixies", not "pixels".
}
} ) Huh? Errrr.... neverrrrr miiiiiind!
}
} You owe the Oracle - something in an a-b-a-b. I never did care for
} a-a-b-b. Oh...and throw in a pair of stronger reading glasses while
} you're at it...

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-02

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Is there anything you can do to make Joel Furr quit griping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though your question's very good,
} And doesn't mention chucking wood,
} And there weren't any typos in your typing,
} I must disappoint you. I
} Can only tell you, with a sigh,
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} He is taking folks to task, me-
} Thinks, for sending in an "askme",
} When a "tellme"'s what he thinks they ought to do.
} (How should *they* know that, Joel? Why kick
} Them? These people aren't psychic,
} And it isn't mentioned in the F.A.Q.)
}
} But I think that if we weren't
} To restrict this to the current
} Source of discord, flames, and penny-ante sniping,
} But expanded our scope,
} You'd see, yourself (quite soon, I'd hope),
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} For you'd see that Joel and flaming
} Go together. (I'm not claiming
} That he's always in the wrong. That said, I *do* wish
} He'd spout off less -- he's reli'ble
} As Old Faithful. Note the "Bible"
} Tzimmis going on right now (soc.culture.jewish).)
}
} So enjoy his merry volleys
} And his jokes on the Cabal he's
} In, and maybe buy a T-shirt that he's hyping;
} But you'll never stop the Lemur
} Guy -- I swear by the Redeemer,
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice, full queue to keep Joel busy.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-03

Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and (unfortunately) smells
> all, please tell me:
>
> How did an operating system called "Quick and Dirty Operating System"
> (QDOS) ever become the standard for computers worldwide? Did Billy-Bob
> Gates put something in the drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all happened something like this.
}
} You know how popular the alt.(naughty 's'-word) groups are on Usenet
} news? The ones everybody reads but nobody admits to, and the Rural
} Majority thinks are an affront to America, Jesus and sliced white
} bread?  Yeah, those ones.  OK, that gives you some background.
}
} Nobody was really interested in the 'quick' part, but the 'dirty' part
} sounded so interesting that everybody went out and bought a copy, took
} it home in a brown paper wrapper, and opened it in the back room when
} the children were asleep.
}
} Naturally enough, the results weren't very titillating, but the upright
} pillars of the community were too embarrassed to take their purchases
} back and demand a real operating system.  Millions of copies were sold
} world-wide before the true nature of the scam was discovered.
}
} By that time, it was into revision 3.3 and had its foot firmly planted
} in the door.  It was no longer remotely 'Q', and to assuage Oral
} Roberts (and his brother, Rectal) the 'D' was changed to mean 'Disk'.
}
} And now -- you know -- the rest of the story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Open VMS (har har) for the Pentium.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-04

Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hello?  Can you hear me now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:       Gen Colin Powell
} From:     Usenet Oracle School of Public Speaking
} Subject:  Lesson Number 3
}
} Gen. Powell,
}
} Your choice of "Hello?  Can you hear me now?" is a perfectly acceptable
} way to start off all of your upcoming public speaking engagements.  It
} is, of course, much more original than "Can you all hear me in the
} back?"  However, you may want to consider continuing your search for a
} snappy opening line, as your selection is often used in conjunction the
} aforementioned opening.  I suggest you strive for something more along
} the lines of "I haven't seen this many clueless people gathered in one
} place since my last appearance before the Senate."
}
} A few other things you might want to keep in mind-
}
} Always be sure to begin your speaking engagement with some type of gum
} or hard candy in your mouth.  If you're feeling particularly candid,
} you can stop your speech at about the third sentence, make a great show
} of peeling the candy off your tounge, and sticking it to the podium.
}
} If you have to pause to collect your thoughts during your speech, be
} sure to use an appropriate filler, such as "um, "ok", "aaaahhh", or
} "you know."  This will keep the audience's attention while you
} formulate your next sentence.
}
} Be sure repeat some gesture for emphasis, like moving your hand in a
} circle at every pause, or continually checking the corners of your
} mouth for that white stuff.  Also popular is the nose pull.  Use your
} thumb and forefinger to not-so-gently pull the tip of your nose.
}
} And finally,  always be sure to mutter and garble at least half of your
} speech. That way, your audience will be compelled to come back, to
} catch the parts they missed the first time.
}
} Good Luck!
}
} You owe The Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit and "Powell in '96" button.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-05

Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@mutt.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why did CNN cancel that cool Desert Storm show?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings,
} "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended
} period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running
} courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery
} (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The
} Simpson Trial".
}
} Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the
} network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to
} be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera.
} When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and
} cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way
} to lose.
}
} You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather".

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-07

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most great and magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom
> shines through the net like a laser through soft
> butter, please give me an answer to this question,
> which has piqued my curiosity for weeks on end.
>
> The local water company is re-lining the water pipes
> along our street.  Before they commenced this
> operation, they painted all sorts of markings on
> the roadway.  There are dashed lines in different
> colors (yellow, blue, and green), going hither
> and thither, and all the manhole covers are painted
> in these same colors.  Even more mysterious, in
> several places, the following appears (in white
> paint):
>
>      ^
>      |
>      |
>   MISS U
>    SPIN
>      |
>      |
>      V
>
> At one end of the road, also in white paint, is
> the word "LOOP".
>
> The word "SPIN" is also painted in orange on the
> back of the road construction signs, and is
> engraved on the steel boilerplates that they use
> to cover the pits in the roadway when they aren't
> working in them.
>
> Please tell me, great Oracle:  what is the meaning
> of these markings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little known to most people, and certainly, dear supplicant, not to
} yourself, it seems, the pipes in your area do not need re-lining.  In
} fact, the water company is not even attempting to re-line them!  What
} they *are* doing is playing an over-sized board game.
}
} The different colours are coded to indicate areas within which they
} must move, and actions that must be performed when in the area, rather
} like the scoring system for Scrabble.
}
} The game's rules are arcane and obscure, and cannot be understood by
} mortals not initiated into the sacred order of The Water Bearer.
} However, a simple explanation will probably suffice:  the object of
} the exercise is to move around the chosen neighbourhood, inflicting as
} much inconvenience to the residents as possible.  The form of
} inconvenience to be inflicted is determined by the predominant colour
} of the lines outside their residence.  For instance, the poor fools
} with a blue dotted line outside their house will have the water
} company's hoards trying to give them cold showers for duration of the
} game.
}
} The man-holes serve a similar purpose as do snakes in the common board
} game "Snakes and Ladders", except that landing on one is an advantage,
} rather than a disadvantage as you might expect.  Any participant in
} the game who lands on one must enter there, and is allowed free reign
} over any water pipes in the immediate vicinity for a period determined
} by his or her current ranking in the game.
}
} The "Miss U Spin" sign that caught your attention is one of the more
} interesting aspects to the game.  If a player fails to complete an
} assignment on a residence (eg. give the residents cold showers), then
} that player is deemed to have "missed" their assignment, and must
} "spin" the "Stop"/"Slow" sign until someone else fails a mission.
} This obviously disadvantages that player, since it prevents them from
} scoring any further points during the game.  It also explains why the
} people on the signs always seem so anxious to get off sign duty.
}
} I hope that this satiates your curiousity, supplicant, and provides
} you with the understanding you will need to endure the next few weeks
} of interrupted water supplies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Coke.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-08

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What do salmon do the rest of the year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at the diary of a typical
} salmon:
}
} | May 8, 1995
} |
} | 6:00.  Woke up.
} |
} | 6:32.  Saw fly.  Pursued.
} |
} | 6:34.  Caught fly.  Delicious.
} |
} | 7:25.  Saw 3 tadpoles.  Pursued.  Caught 2.  Delicious.
} |
} | 8:31.  Chased another salmon out of my territory.
} |
} | 9:25.  Saw fly.  Pursued.
} |
} | 9:26.  Jumped for fly.  Missed.
} |
} | 9:28.  Pursued fly some more, but it got away.
} |
} | 10:35. Saw swarm of gnats.  Ignored - too small.
} |
} | 10:53. Saw orange butterfly.  Ignored.  They taste nasty.
} |
} | 11:41. Saw fly floating on water.  Ate.
} |
} | 11:41:05.  OUCH!  There's a great big metal hook stuck in
} | my lip, and it's pulling me upstream.
} |
} | 11:46. Fought against the hook for 5 minutes.  Got bashed
} | against a sharp rock (ouch!) but then the hook stopped
} | trying to pull me.
} |
} | 1:18.  I still haven't figured out how to get this *$*#&$
} | hook out of my lip.  And I'm getting hungry.
} |
} | 3:35.  Bear tried to catch me.  Near miss - left ventral
} | fin torn by its claws.  Whew.
} |
} | 4:20.  Saw fly floating on water.  Ate.
}
} The diary entry ends there, but I think you get the gist of
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a historical novel based on the life of
} a salmon.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 95 18:14:35 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #778-09

Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most magnificent and exalted supremo of sagacity,
>       do birds ever suffer from fear of heights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but they only really notice when they're over top of your car.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bungee-jumping lesson and some Turtle Wax.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 25 Sep 95 15:37:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #779-05

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@inetnebr.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is General Failure?  Why is he reading my disk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene is a large auditorium, at which at the front there is a
} raised stage.  In the back of the stage, a huge flag with the Windows
} logo is draped.  Hundreds of troops mill about, talking to each other
} nervously.]
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Troops, A-TEN-SHUN!
}
} [A large man in a military uniforms walks in on the stage.  He's
} wearing a round helmet with five stars on it, and carries a swagger
} stick.  His uniform is highly adorned with microchips and CD-ROMS.]
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: At ease, troops.  You are all here for a reason.  And
} that reason is because you're the best.  And we need the best.  Because
} we need you all for Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail."
}
} [A private in the front rows raises his hand.]
}
} GF: Go ahead, son.
}
} PRIVATE BUGG: Sir, what is the purpose of this mission?
}
} GF: Good question.  We need to go deep into enemy territory, into
} Sector 271, and scramble some data.  This will consit of a diversionary
} strike on the FAT while Bravo Battalion makes the main thrust.  After
} securing the sector, a artillary barrage of dust motes and hand magnets
} should cause the damage needed to succeed at our mission.
}
} CORPORAL EYEARRQUE: Well, sir, what's so important in this sector?
}
} GF: The purpose of Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail." is simple:  We are
} to locate, and detroy, the enemy's COMMAND.EXE!  Why?  We're paving the
} way for General Protection-Fault (my step-brother) to lead his forces
} in installing a puppet governor, El Presidente Win95, in it's place.
} The CPU will be under our complete control!  Project "Gatesland" will
} be a complete success!  THERE WILL BE NO STOPPING US!
}
} [the crowd starts to cheer and chant.  A large picture of a individual
} wearing glasses and a REALLY bad haircut unfurls behind General
} Failure. He's wearing a toga and lurel leaves.]
}
} [All of the sudden, red lights start to flash and klaxons start to
} sound.]
}
} SPEAKER: Red alert!  Red alert!  All hands to battlestations!  This is
} for real!  I repeat: this is not a Undocumented Feature!
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: What's happening Sergeant?
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Admiral Scott Norton is attacking!
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: Oh, the Fury(3) of it all!  Activate the Backup plan!
}
} SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Um, sir... Backup wasn't implimented in this
} version. We were going to put the patch out next week...
}
} GENERAL FAILURE: This could be a Pitfall in our plans..
}
} [A tank bursts through the wall.  It's schoolbus-yellow and has the
} words "NORTON DISKDOCTOR" printed on the side of the tank.]
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle the head of the programmer who designed "Hover".

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 27 Sep 95 12:57:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #780-03

Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, oo you are so big and just, well, super....
>
> I am largely net.isolated and so I haven't encountered him myself but I
> was hoping you could explain this obsession lots of people seem to have
> with Joel Furr.  The impression I get is that he's a moronic control
> freak who can't cope with people doing anything unless they do it his
> way - he also seems to want to be the centre of attention all the time.
>  I've found in my years of net.experience (and life experience for that
> matter) that ignoring these people causes them to shrivel up and die,
> or else mutate into something resembling human...... so what gives?
> Why does everyone seem so obsessed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old King Joel was a merry old soul,
} A merry old soul was he.
} He sent many questions 'bout lemurs,
} Like, "Do they frink frequently?"
}
} At first he was amusing and cute,
} Amusing and cute was he.
} But soon we got annoyed and tired
} Of reading his repartee.
}
} And when Joel wrote that annoying FAQ,
} That annoying FAQ wrote he,
} Orrie decided the time had come
} To *ZOT* him permanently.
}
} Ah, but then Joel posted on Usenet,
} posted on Usenet did he,
} He posted mad notes on the newsgroup
} rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
} He caused massive flames from the readers,
} Flames from the readers caused he.
} So Orrie had no need to *ZOT* him--
} All you guys did it for me!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 27 Sep 95 12:57:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #780-09

Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:   supplicant@aol.com
} From: Sally Struthers, Director
}       TUO Techincal Correspondence School
} Subj: Test Grade
}
} Hello there student.
}
} I'm glad to announce that you've scored a A+ for Chapter 2 of
} "Introduction To Computers":  "The Enter Key".
}
} We ask that you return the textbook for Chapter 1: "Understanding
} the on/off button" as quickly as possible.  The Microsoft Network is
} opening up for operations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a #2 pencil.  And you owe Sally Struthers a rack
} of ribs.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Sep 95 17:25:57 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #776-01

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, seer of all, knower of even more, and groper of Lisa,
> please answer my query:
>
> When will Kris have E-Mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} January 1st, 2001: Kris, aka 'Christ', aka 'The Messiah', obtains an
}                    e-mail account with North-America On Line.
}
} January 2nd, 2001: Christ crossposts 'Second Coming of Christ! Repent
}                    or Burn in Hell, Sinners!' to all 20,000 newsgroups.
}
} January 3rd, 2001: Christ recieves the first of a torrent of indignant
}                    flames, including 982 megs of core dumps from
}                    alt.atheism. Even more flames are posted to the
}                    groups, and since most posters neglect to edit the
}                    newsgroups line, or clip the quote to the part they
}                    respond to, each group is flooded with an average of
}                    one million 400-line messages. Participants in the
}                    Longest Thread Ever complain about all the crap
}                    flooding the net.
}
} January 20th, 2001: The flamewar ends as the last node bursts into
}                     flames from an overheated hard drive. The latest
}                     predictors of the immenent death of the net gloat.
}
} February 1st, 2001: The phone bills arrive. ATT acquires 99.8% of the
}                     world's money supply, thus achieving at last their
}                     goal of world domination. All employees of Sprint
}                     and MCI are nailed to telephone poles.
}
} February 11th, 2001: The Christian underground collapses when Christ
}                      forgives ATT. ATT has him shot before he can
}                      change his mind.
}
} February 15th, 2001: Christ returns from the grave long enough to
}                      promise a a third coming in a thousand years,
}                      triggering a massive wave of suicides.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cancelbot.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Sep 95 17:26:05 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #776-07

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ro Ro Ro yore bote,
> jentlee doun thu streme,
> maryli maryli maryli maryli
> lyphe iz buht uh dreme.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nok, nok, on your silly hed
} But not two hard plese
} Barabim baraboom barabim baraboom
} In ze end you're ded

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Sep 95 17:26:09 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #776-10

Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh fabulously omnitient Oracular one, grower of the tree of pretty
> interesting fruit and other miracles of various degree:
> Why do Chihuahuas so closely resemble warm blooded cockroaches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an example of convergent evolution.
}
} In case you've forgotton your freshman biology, convergent
} evolution happens when two species occupy the same niche
} in nature, and as a result, they tend to change over the
} ages until they resemble each other.
}
} Cockroaches have long been the scavengers of the world.
} Anywhere there are dropped crumbs, bits of nuts, or old
} squashed fruit, you'll find cockroaches busy cleaning up.
}
} Except indoors, where human intervention has been slowing
} the cockroaches down considerably.  There, a different
} species (Canis domesticus chihuahuai) has been introduced
} into this role.  The Chihuahua is ideal for cleanup in
} modern homes.  It is large enough that it cannot be
} accidentally sucked up by the vacuum cleaner, but it's
} small enough to run around under the table, picking up
} the scraps which fall to the floor.  And it's omnivorous.
}
} It is rumored that in the event of an all-out nuclear war,
} the only species that would survive are cockroaches and
} Chihuahuas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three foot long no-pest strip.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 17 Oct 95 08:55:21 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #786-02

Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                 _______________
>                 _______________
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______
>                 ______   ______

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The regularly-scheduled Oracle is on vacation.  In its place we bring
} you one of a series of Oracles Around the World.  Tonight's Guest
} Oracle is I-Ching of Ancient China.]
}
} The I-Ching has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} >#20  Kuan  (Contemplation)
} >
} >Contemplation.  The ablution has been made.
} >But not yet the offering.
} >Full of trust they look up to him.
}
} And in response, thus spake the I-Ching:
}
} )Glad to see you washed up this time.  What the hell were you doing to
} )get so sticky last time?  You weren't eating the yarrows were you?  I
} )mean, really, show some respect.
} )
} )And besides, just because the Oracle is on vacation doesn't mean you
} )can get away without offering a grovel or some such sign of
} )insignificant unworthiness in the face of sublime knowledge.  Like get
} )with the program, ok?
} )
} )Still and all you did come to the right place and the I-Ching doesn't
} )want to shatter your trust in supreme wisdom.  Therefore, assume the
} )lotus position, close your eyes, and hum today's bonus mantra "I wish
} )I could shiatsu like my sister Kate" while contemplating the following
} )koan:
} )
} ) "If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, would
} ) Windows95 ever work correctly?"
} )
} )After a few days, open your eyes, walk three paces east, and lift your
} )eyes to the heavens.  The answer should appear on the fourth cloud
} )from the left.
}
} [Thank you I-Ching.  Tune in next week when Shirley MacLaine resurrects
} the spirit of Aimee Semple Macpherson who will do astrology charts over
} our 800 number and autograph copies of her next book "Voodoo and You,
} Creative Body Piercing for Fun and Profit."]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 17 Oct 95 08:55:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #786-04

Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Nifty Oracle, reader of books I could not get past the first line of,
> please tell me:
>
> Who invented writing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you care, you don't get past the first line of books.
}
} Alright I realise you have a pressing desire to know this flimsy piece
} of datum. The invention of writing is commonly attributed by scholars
} to the summarians. And for once the scholars got it right. The
} Summarians, whom I sure you are aware, predate even the mesopotamians,
} were indeed the inventors of the first system of writing.
}
} To be more specific it was Pishantish son of Filitofish who was the
} first to actually put stick to clay tablet. He was a very successful
} bookie.  So successful in fact that even his prodigious memory was
} sometimes unable to keep track of all of the bets placed with him.
}
} The idea of writing struck him when he struck someone else. Some poor
} slob couldn't pay off the five bags of barley that he had bet on that
} night's mud wrestling. Pishantish knocked the guy across the pit where
} he fell face first into the mud. As it happened, the next day our
} bright bookie was about to start wetting down the now dried mud pit,
} when he noticed the well preserved impression of slob's face. It was at
} that moment when he realised that he could theoretically press five
} barley stalks into the mud besides the face in order to remember what
} slob still owed him.
}
} The rest, as they say is history. Pishantish spent the next six years
} simplifying and perfecting his technique. He never forgot a bet again.
} Coincidentally he became the inventor of organised crime as well.  But
} that's another story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tankard of honey and barley mead.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 23 Oct 95 10:05:05 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #789-05

Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> whether i should take this job

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is Usenet.  During the day, millions of people work here.  At
} night, millions more play here.  Sometimes they ask questions.  That's
} where I come in.  I work here.  I carry a badge.
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
}                            _____/\_____
}                           \    UNPD   /
}                            (   _/\_   )
}                           (    \  /    )
}                           (    /  \    )
}                            \  44-755  /
}                             ----  ----
}                                 \/
}
} 10:15 pm.  We work working the night shift out of the Meaning of Life
} Squad when the call came in.  My Captain's T.U. Oracle.  My partner's
} Bill Gannon.  My name's Friday.
}
} Oracle:  Joe, Bill
}
} Friday:  Captain
}
} Gannon:  Captain
}
} Oracle:  We've got another 762
}
} Friday:  762 -- "whether i should take this job"
}
} Oracle:  That's it.  Here's the report.  Check it out, see if we can
} help.
}
} [Friday looks at Gannon.  Gannon looks at Friday.  Both nod, then head
} out the door.]
}
} 11:30pm.  Approaching the supplicant's house, we heard a voice through
} the front door.  Although faint, it sounded like "to run, or not to
} run." When we knocked on the door, the supplicant, a Mr. C. Powell,
} answered. Although he seemed rather flustered, he let us in, leading us
} to his office.  Judging from the condition of the carpet, he had been
} pacing for some hours.
}
} Powell:  I'm rather surprised to see you here.  I understood that the
} Oracle answered all questions by email.
}
} Friday:  He does, Mr. Powell, but
}
} Powell (interrupting):  General
}
} [Friday notes the four stars on each shoulder of the supplicant's
} sports shirt.]
}
} Friday: Sorry, General Powell.  As I was saying, the Oracle answers all
} questions electronically, but sometimes he requires a little
} background. [Gannon is looking at a set of pictures on the wall.  All
} show the General, usually with some important person.] Now, let's make
} sure of the information we have.  You've recently successfully
} completed a very important job, you've been offered a new job, and you
} want to know if you should take it.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.  Actually I've been offered the same job
} twice.
}
} Friday:  Sir?
}
} Powell:  Yes.  [Hands Friday two letters.  Gannon reads over Friday's
} shoulder.]  As you can see, a "Mr. C" and a "Mr. D" would both like me
} to work for them.
}
} Gannon:  It says here that neither Mr. C nor Mr. D can offer you this
} job until next summer?  And the position won't open until January 20,
} 1997?  And, if you take the wrong offer, you might not have a job at
} all.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.
}
} Gannon:  It also says that this job would involve very little work.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  Mostly going to funerals and cutting ribbons, plus
} making a few speeches.
}
} Friday:  So I take it that you not only want to know if you should take
} this job, but you also want to know which offer to take?
}
} Powell:  Not exactly.
}
} Friday:  [Glancing at Gannon]  Sir?
}
} Powell:  There's also this letter from "Mr. P".  [Hands letter to
} Friday.  Again, Gannon looks over Friday's shoulder.]
}
} Gannon:  He's offering you Mr. C's current job.  If you can "win" it.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  But there's a catch.
}
} Friday:  It says here that you would have to appear on television for
} on hour every week, explaining a large number of meaningless diagrams.
}
} Powell (sighs): That's right.  But otherwise, the job has more
} responsibilities, better pay, and more control than Mr. C's or Mr. D's
} position.  Unless, of course, Mr. P decides to take the job himself.
}
} Friday:  Well, Sir, I think we have enough information.  We will file
} our report, and the Oracle should be in touch with you shortly.
}
} Powell:  Do you think he can help me?
}
} Friday:  Certainly, Sir.  Governor Cuomo found him very helpful.
}
} [Powell, Friday, and Gannon all look at one another.  Friday nods,
} almost imperceptibly.  He and Gannon turn and leave the office.]
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
} On 20 October, the Oracle, All Powerful Sage and Soothsayer in and for
} the Usenet Culture, pondered General Powell's question.  His answer:
}
} } Dear General,
} }
} } Don't take any of the offers.  Working with any of these clowns
} } can only hurt your reputation.  Sit back, relax, and wait for
} } them to be caught with their pants down.  (In "C's" case, probably
} } literally.)  You will then get an offer for C's job from
} } a large group of people.  In the meantime, purchase a large,
} } white stallion and learn to ride.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an Ambassadorship to a small Caribbean country.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 23 Oct 95 10:05:06 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #789-06

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orrie,
> I'm about to graduate, and a degree in Philosophy never got anbody
> anywhere, so I'm seriously considering a career in crime. I would
> appreciate it if you could rate for me the top ten criminal activities
> in terms of their profit/risk ratio so that I can make an informed
> choice that will enable me to thumb my nose at society in comfort
> and with impunity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It pleases me to see a mortal displaying some modicum of intelligence;
} for that reason I shall turn a blind eye to the lack of grovelling, for
} the time being. Here are the ten most popular criminal careers, with a
} brief cost/benefit analysis.
}
} No. Activity             Pros                    Cons
} --- --------             ----                    ----
} 1   Government minister  The courts can convict  Only people who
}                          you as often as they    are extraordinarily
}                          like; it makes no       physically ugly
}                          difference              get the job
}
} 2   Rubber-casketer      No rubber-casketer has  Lack of notoriety
}                          yet been arrested       as no-one has figured
}                                                  out what they do
}
} 3   Credit card fraud    *Really* easy,          Forgetting which
}                          is especially with the  your actual card
}                          card likes of Netscape
}
} 4   Tax evasion          No-one seems to care    You have to be liable
}                          very much about         for tax to start with
}                          catching you            (and that means *work*)
}
} 5   Computer crime       Fun; can be done from   Obesity; caffeine
}                          home in your spare      addiction; disdain
}                          time                    from opposite sex
}
} 6   Stealing cars        Fun; High profile;      Getting round a hi-tech
}                          buccaneer image         security system only to
}                                                  find it won't start
}                                                  because of damp leads
}
} 7   Social security      Lots of publicity       Limited earning
}     fraud                                        potential
}
} 8   Confidence tricks    Intellectually          Getting to like
}                          challenging             your victims
}
} 9   Drug dealing         Lack of victim makes    Competition;
}                          detection virtually     demonization; too much
}                          impossible              like legal business!
}
} 10  Corporate crime      Compensates for         No access to spoils;
}                          incompetence            inability to trust
}                                                  anyone
}
} You owe me an alibi for writing this answer.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 23 Oct 95 10:05:10 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #789-09

Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O' Oracle so witty, wacky, and wise:
>
> Does light have mass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The early Church took a very dim view of light, in part because
} of its pagan association with the planet Venus (commonly called
} Lucifer, "light-bearer").  Theologians of the second and third
} centuries held that because the sun and moon were created
} only *after* the God's original command "Fiat Lux", their light
} was somehow impure and therefore suspect.  For this reason,
} light was often excluded from the sacraments.
}
} According to the papal bull "De Lux Ecumenica" of 634, light was
} not allowed to receive communion, since it consistently refused
} to sit still long enough to complete confession.  Indeed,
} churches for hundreds of years afterward were very poorly
} illuminated; this period is often referred to as the Dark Ages.
}
} It was not until the Renaissance, around 1348, that the Church
} reversed itself and began admitting light within its congregations.
} The gothic cathedrals built during and after these years were
} designed to admit as much light as possible.  This inclusive
} attitude toward light persisted essentially unchanged down
} to the beginning of the present century.
}
} In the early 1900's, certain conservative bishops became quite
} concerned about the wave/particle duality of light.  This dual
} nature seemed to them a form of Manichean Heresy, and a movement
} began to threaten light with excommunication unless it stuck to
} one form or the other.  Luckily, this inquisition came to an
} end when it was shown that, while light could behave as both
} a wave and a particle, it could only take on one of these
} roles at a time in experiments.
}
} So, to answer your question, light *does* have mass, along with
} all the various sacraments, but only since the 14th century.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those cool t-shirts showing Maxwell's
} equations.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 27 Oct 95 09:10:21 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #790-03

Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who am I ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, you'd be nothing more than a *ZOT* for lacking a grovel.  I'm
} in a good mood, though, so I'll give you a quick quiz, to allow you to
} i.d. yourself.
}
} 1. When I think of the ideal vacation spot, I imagine:
}    a. a beach in Tahiti, with white sands and free drinks.
}    b. a casino in Las Vegas, with pull tabs and free drinks.
}    c. Inuvik, in winter
}    d. a Doom telnet site, with all the connect time I want.
}
} 2. You're at a COMDEX conference, and a beautiful woman sits down
} beside you at the "Computers:  Are they Really Real Now?" seminar.
} What do you do:
}    a. smile and make a flippant remark about some geek across the room
}    b. tell her she must be lost, that the Mary Kay convention is in 231B
}    c. sweat profusely and use your remote login to ask for advice
}       from the guys in channel #Ilikehotbabes for advice
}    d. start a conversation about her laptop
}
} 3. I think the coolest band that ever was is:
}    a. the Doors
}    b. Molly Hatchet
}    c. REM
}    d. Dave Brubeck and his orchestra
}
} 4. If I were Bill Gates, the next thing I'd do is:
}    a. give all my money to charity, and strive to make the world a
}       better place
}    b. use my vast resources for nothing but games, games, games
}    c. kill the programmer who created "Bob"
}    d. build a whole new computer system, called "Spruce Goose"
}
} 5. The four elements are:
}    a. earth, air, fire and water
}    b. IBM, MacIntosh, SUN and Motorola
}    c. monitor, modem, mouse and motherboard
}    d. cheetos, doritos, Marlboros and Budweiser
}
} Ok, now here's the scoring:  "a"'s are worth 1, "b"'s worth 2, etc.
} Add up your score, divide it by the amount of time you took to complete
} this, mulitply by Pi (to the 30th decimal), and add the amount of Snow
} White's dwarves names you can remember.
}
} less than 30 points: normal.  My guess is accountant, fireman or cowboy
} would be good careers for you.
}
} 30-75 points: edgy.  Bungee jumping might be a hobby.  Unix programmer,
} computer salesman, or 7-11 clerk are all fitting career choices.
}
} 75+ points: loopy.  You must be, or should be, a Sysop or working Tech
} Support (hopefully over the phone).
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "What Colour is Your Parachute?".

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 27 Oct 95 09:10:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #790-04

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, hi, Tommy.  I moved the pinball machines in the back room.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 27 Oct 95 09:10:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #790-07

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When will it happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? Oh, you mean the *big* it, don't you? As in "doin' it", "gettin'
} it" and "was it good for you?".
}
} Take this simple test to determine the probability of "it" happening
} this week:
}
} -Start with 50%
}
} -Add 10% if you resemble Superman
} -Subtract 15% if you resemble Super Mario
}
} -Add 10% if you're wearing red
} -Subtract 25% if you're wearing "high karate"
}
} -Add 15% if you have an accent
} -Subtract 15% if you drive an Accent
}
} -Add 25% if you have a great body
} -Subtract 50% if that great body is stored where the cops won't find it
}
} -Add 30% if you're the lead singer in a famous band
} -Subtract 30% if that band is "Blues Travellers"
}
} -Add 25% if you have a condom handy at all times
} -Subtract 40% if it's used
}
} You owe the Oracular an "It Happens" bumpersticker

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 27 Oct 95 09:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #790-09

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great and knowledgeable Oracle:  Can you tell me the names and last
> known positions of any ocean going vessels that have been lost (sunk)
> prior to 1941 in the vicinity (10 miles) of Cape Breton Island, Nova
> Scotia, Canada

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I can.  They are:
}
} NAME:             POSITION:
} Miss Traveler     Bottom of the ocean
} Starboard Ranger  Bottom of the ocean
} S.S. Candida      Bottom of the ocean
} Salty Osprey      Bottom of the ocean
} Seaward Ho!       Bottom of the ocean
}
} You owe the Oracle a collection of all the episodes of "Gilligan's
} Island."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 30 Oct 95 12:25:54 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #791-05

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what are some of the better computer classes i can take to
> further my carreer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} One of the best and oldest languages you can learn is KISSUP. This
} programming language allows you to gain favor with you superiors
} and move up in the organiztion regardless of your talent. A sample
} subroutine:
}
} 10 IF BOSS = "HERE" THEN GOSUB 100
} 20 GOOFOFF = GOOFOFF + 1
} 30 GOTO 10
} 100 LET YOU = "KISSUP"
} 110 LET BOSS = "HAPPY"
} 120 LET YOU = "TOAD"
} 130 RETURN
}
} You owe the Oracle a part of your Employee Stock Ownership Plan.

------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 95 12:25:58 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #791-08

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hi!..
>
> How does an encryption-program work?
>
> LaterOn, Martin!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting variation on the grovel theme. Hmm... <the Oracle toys
} thoughfully with the *ZOT* lever> Oh alright, I'll let you live this
} time.
}
} Encryption programs are very simple when you learn the underlying
} mechanics. The idol rests on a spring-mounted plinth, which moves
} upward when the idol is removed by an unauthorised intruder. This
} activates a series of pulleys and levers -- the exact configuration
} naturally depends on the size and shape of your crypt -- which
} ultimately release a swing hammer. The hammer shatters a glass tube
} containing sand or some other fluid medium -- the encryption software
} -- and as the sand runs out, a huge stone block descends and closes off
} the entrance and, voila! the intruder is encrypted.
}
} Actually, sand makes for very poor encryption software as it tends to
} run slowly, leaving plenty of time for athletic, Indiana Jones-style
} grave robbers to escape by rolling under the stone block just before it
} reaches the floor. The ancient Egyptians and Mayans carried out a lot
} of research to try and improve the software but, lacking really
} sophisticated technology, never came up with a crack-proof program. For
} the modern encryption engineer, I recommend mercury.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never again to call him Martin. We
} prophets are stigmatised enough as it is.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 11 Nov 95 11:07:19 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #793-01

Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's the matter with your life?
> Is the poverty bringing u down?
> Is the mail man jerking u 'round?
> Did he put your million dollar check in someone elses box?
>
> What's the matter with your world?
> Was it a boy when u wanted a girl?
> Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl?
> Life it ain't real funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it
>
> Pop life - Everybody Needs a thrill
> Pop life - We all got a space to fill
> Pop life - Everybody can't be on top
> But life it ain't to funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it
>
> What's that underneath your hair?
> Is there anybody living there?
> U can't get over, if u say u just don't care
> Show me a boy who stays in school and I'll show u a boy aware! Dig it.
>
> What u putting in your nose?
> Is that where all your money goes?
> The river of addiction flows, u think it's hot
> But there won't be no water when the fire blows, Dig it
>
> Pop life - everybody needs a thrill
> Pop life - we all got a space to fill
> Pop life - everybody can't be on top
> But life it ain't 2 funky unless it's got that pop
> Dig it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dig it deep o yes indeed,
} six feet under is what you need.
} If thrill is what you ask from life,
} Go out and get a real sharp knife.
}
} Wash down the pills with a gallon of booze,
} And settle yourself for an eternal snooze.
} Why stick around and moan and whine
} when you can sniff some rancid turpentine?
}
} Stop life--being bored is where it's at.
} Stop life--nobody hands you a welcome mat.
} Stop life--If you a desire a life with pop,
} Maybe you should consider making it stop.
}
} Stability and patience are the keys
} Otherwise you get an incurable disease.
} If you gotta have it fast and now,
} Try getting it on with a rabid cow.
}
} Keep it simple.  Keep it cool.
} Or drown yourself in your neighbor's pool.
} If you burn the candle at both ends,
} Don't turn your back on your so-called friends.
}
} Stop life--being bored is the thing to do!
} Stop life--don't settle for anythig new.
} Stop life--If you desire a life with pop,
} Maybe you should consider making it stop.
}
} Fer shure, fer shure.  What it is!

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 11 Nov 95 11:07:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #793-04

Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm collecting recipes from celebrities.  Would Lisa please give me her
> recipe for chocolate chip cookies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... you're very lucky that Orrie isn't here, since he'd quickly
} *ZOT* you due to your lack of grovelling.  However, I'd be happy to
} share my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
}
} LISA'S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
}
} Ingredients
}
} 1/2 cup butter*
} 1 cup   sugar
} 1       obsolete computer, unplugged (e.g. VAX 11/780)
} 1/2 tsp vanilla
} 1/2 tsp salt
} 1       piece of cloth, 6'x3' or larger
} 1       egg*
} 1 cup   chocolate chips semi-sweet* (or M&M's)
} 1       male bait (varies for each case)
} 1/2 tsp soda
} 1       zot-capable omnipotent entity, male
} 1 cup   flour
} 1       sunglasses (optional)
} 1/2 cup nut meats, chopped (optional)
}         length of string
}         assorted paints
}
} * - or appropriate substitute, for vegan cooks.
}
} After cleaning computer thoroughly, especially vents, grease sides and
} top of computer.  Be sure to coat evenly.  In a bowl, cream the
} butter, add sugar gradually, while creaming.  Add egg and vanilla,
} beat them to blend.  Stir in flour, soda, and salt, then nuts and
} chips.  On cloth, using paints, paint one of the following: 1) image
} of a woodchuck, 2) the woodchuck question, or variant, 3) image of
} Jeff "SpAmKiNg" Slaton.  Let the cloth dry.
}
} Using batter, hurl small globs at the sides and top of the computer,
} being sure to separate them adequately.  Also check that they don't
} slide or fall. (use smaller computers for fewer cookies. Warning! Do
} not use a Pentium or you will burn your cookies!) Next, use string to
} carefully hang cloth in front of computer, with image facing away from
} the computer.
}
} Activate male-oracle bait.  (use whatever works for you. For me, this
} leather/rubber outfit seems to do the trick nicely.)  Lure Oracle
} casually past computer, and then note the image or words in front of
} computer.  Watch as Oracle gets infuriated and *ZOTs* the image, which
} heats up the computer and instantly bakes your cookies!  Give cookies
} a few minutes to cool. (coincidentally, just enough time to deactivate
} the oracle bait.)  Enjoy with milk! (or soy milk, for vegans.)
} Remember to throw away computer, or it'll start to stink.
}
} Good luck with your book!  I'll be curious to hear about Gen. Powell's
} recipe for peanut butter cookies; he can never seem to decide whether
} to use smooth or chunky peanut butter.
}
} -- Lisa

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 11 Nov 95 11:07:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #793-05

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   O Noble, Intelligent Oracle of Thought Processes and Studiousness,
> what would be a good plot for my upcoming sci-fi story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fairly compact grovel there, suplicant. Nevertheless, benevolence is a
} virtue. There are several popular sci-fi variants, you would be pretty
} smart to invent something different, so I suggest you use one of these
} tried and tested formulas. Points are awarded for 'Screenplayability'
} (SPA), I take it you will wish your book to be made into a movie,
} and will need some pointer about which way to go.
}
} 1) A series of naval style missions aboard a spaceship that is named
} and operated like a boat.  For: Get the mix of social stereotypes right
} and you've got a winner formula here. Nothing beats simplistic human
} relation issues than a U-boat style drama, with people crammed into
} 3 rooms of a 150 deck spaceship bigger than Rhode Island.  Against:
} Long term success can ultimately be your downfall. The actors chosen
} for your Movies will eventually get all wrinkly and start bulging
} out of their lycra shirts.  SPA: 9/10. Can be filmed on three sets
} (eg Bridge, Sick bay and Transporter room) a polystyrene cave may
} also prove useful.
}
} 2) Sci-fi being comes back from future to terrify specific present
} day people for things they haven't done yet.  For: Your 'future'
} being can be made pretty exciting and scary since he is surrounded,
} not by his exiting and scary contemporaries but, by nerdy humans.
} Against: Your readers will need advanced boolean algebra to be able to
} understand the plot. They will then be able to conclude that the plot
} is in fact impossible.  SPA: 7/10 Impossibility is not an issue with
} most punters wishing to part with ?4.00/$7.00 for a high body count.
} But this will not be a cheap movie to make, especially if you ever get
} to a sequel where movie go-ers will expect even more lavish special
} effects - like a robot made from silver snot.
}
} 3) Stranded alien left on Earth.  For: There is incredible scope
} here for a stonking good story. The alien's search for its departed
} comrades, the psycholological effect of being marooned lightyears
} from your home planet and family, the fact that the alien can only
} survive by eating warm human flesh, the alien's ability to mate with
} other species and create vicious hybrids, the skill of the alien to
} manufacture a communication station to contact his home planet and
} summon an invasion, etc. etc.  Against: You could really shit-out with
} a bald midget in the closet.  SPA: 3/10 if you go for the bald midget.
} A higher score could be had by going for the body-count option.
}
} 4) Teleportation drama, where inventor is inadvertantly combined
} with something else.  For: Spooky stuff. Lots of computers.
} Physical degredation of two beings into one. Lots of scope for
} fruitcake personalities.  Against: Must chose the combining parties
} with some care. Insects or mammals are good. An anchovie doesn't make
} for a good drama (Man slowly becomes more salty to the taste and ends
} up on a pizza) SPA: 8/10 Cheapish sets (cellar, two 'phone boxes,
} yellow vomit). Cheap co-actors (fly or similar). Scope for satire
} (Man combines with pixie - turns into Michael Jackson)
}
} 5) Future shock. Earth in near future where andriods are hunted by
} present-day-style cops.  For: Loads of scope for social issues,
} man-hunting, man vs machine, lonely cop stuff, romance with sexy
} android (who doesn't know she's an android - (hey, :-) aren't all
} chicks androids!))  Against: High intellect of reader required, it's
} easy to get lost in this one.  SPA: 9/10 Near future means standard
} sets and plenty of rain. You'll end up having to dub on a narrative
} 'cos nobody understands it first time around.
}
} 6) Distant future, intergalactig struggle between good and evil.  For:
} Epic tale to be told here. Bunch of stereotypes again (including a
} camp robot and a walking carpet). Makes for good swashbuckling stuff.
} Make sure good triumphs over evil - right kids? A Universe full of
} sequels available. Against: Not a lot. Keep the body count reasonable,
} or you might preclude the box-office from admitting a proportion of the
} population - and with this formula, you're going for 100% attendance.
} SPA: 10/10. Get ready to spend some serious cash. Inventing light-speed
} space travel and actually going there to film it might be cheaper.
}
} 7) Present day kid marooned in recent past, tries to get back to
} present day.  For: The usual time travel stuff. Nostalgia for '50s
} America will work well (and will even export sucessfully to Britain,
} beats me!).  Against: Don't use a Delorean. This plot is also defeated
} by logic.  SPA: 7/10. Film studios around the world are crammed with
} props for '50s America, keep costs down by choosing a Delorean.
}
} 8) Friendly aliens come to visit present day people. Some people
} are strangely drawn to the landing site, which they have previously
} modelled in mashed potato.  For: Use the 'present day' get out again.
} Against: No possibility of a body count. It's too nice. You don't
} actually see any aliens, which is strange for an alien story.
} SPA 6/10. Contemporary sets, flashing lights, and a trombone.
} Silhouetted alien at the end is all you need. Box office success for
} this movie will be stranger than the story itself.
}
} Distant future swashbuckling is the sensible way forward. Phone the
} bank and ask for a $100m advance. If you manage to get Carrie Fisher's
} phone number, I'd be most interested.
}
} You owe the Oracle Carrie Fisher's phone number.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 11 Nov 95 11:07:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #793-09

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> mmnnmm?  mmnmnmnnnnnmmnmm!!!!  nnmmmnnn?!?!?!!?  MMMNNNNNMMMN????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You call those lyrics? C'mon, Brad, get with it!
}
} And that band of yours, Crash Test Dummies? What kind of name is that?
}
} I say get rid of the "n"s, most of the "m"s,  and the punctuation. That
} leaves you with:
}
} mmm mmm mmm mmm
}
} Now *that's* a hit song if I ever heard one! As for the band name,
} you're on your own.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good shaking and lurching all over the temple
} floor.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 14 Nov 95 09:14:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #794-04

Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, burning bright, in the forests of the night, what
> immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?
>
> In what language, exactly, does 'eye' rhyme with 'symmetry'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In binary.  Allow me to illustrate:
}
} The word "eye" translated into binary is:
} 011001010111100101100101
}
} The word "symmetry" translated into binary is:
} 0111001101111001011011010110110101100101011101000111001001111001
}
} As you can see, they rhyme quite nicely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocket hex-to-octal converter and a green pen.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 14 Nov 95 09:14:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #794-05

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> ObGrovel:  Oh, Great One, whose very existence enlightens us all,
>
> How does a doctor determine if his patient has Cronic Fatigue Syndrome?
> I mean, don't we all have reoccuring and unavoidable episodes of
> fatigue?
>
> *yawn*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ObGrovel"? "Cronic"?
}
} Listen, supplicant, there is a *big* difference between fatigue and
} plain laziness! Not to mention the condition known as "brain dead".
}
} Still, I'll assume that you were just too tired to proof-read your
} question before you sent it.
}
} To test if a patient is chronically fatigued or simply lazy, place him
} in a comfortable chair with his feet on a stool. The room should have
} subdued lighting and be comfortably warm. Soothing music should be
} played low in the background.
}
} In the middle of the room, at least 20 feet from the chair, should be
} placed the following objects:
}
} (1) a large glass of the subject's favorite beer
} (2) a 486 PC with the opening screen of "Doom II (Knee-Deep In the
}       Dead)" displayed, and with a state-of-the-art game toggle attached
} (3) a large black box with a red button attached, with a label on it
}       stating "WARNING: Pressing This Button Will Cause All Software
}       Engineers Who Developed Windows95 To Be Instantly Incinerated!"
}
} If the subject gets up and drinks (1), plays with (2) and presses (3),
} he is normal.
}
} If the subject gets up and only drinks (1) and presses (3), he is
} lazy.
}
} If the subject gets up and only presses (3), he is chronically
} fatigued.
}
} If the subject does not take advantage of the opportunity to even press
} (3), he is brain-dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large bottle of vitamins.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 14 Nov 95 09:14:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #794-08

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We here at Oracle Labs(tm) are trying out a new olfactory answering
} system. This is the first in a series of "Scratch-and-Sniff" Oracular
} replies.
}
} For best performance, it is preferable that you be surrounded by a
} group of people you want to impress.
}
} Well, here goes "Oracular Scratch-and-Sniff Test #1"
}
} /-----------------------------------\
} |                                   |
} |              Scratch              |
} |              here for             |
} |                your               |
} |               answer              |
} |                                   |
} \-----------------------------------/
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Prophetic
} Deities(tm).

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 14 Nov 95 09:14:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #794-09

Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why are blueprints blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you've heard the story about why old computers use only capital
} letters -- it was decided to save money by only including one case on
} print chains, they ran some tests and concluded that lowercase was more
} legible and therefore should be the one used, and then some suit
} pointed out that
}
}       "If you include only lowercase, it would be impossible to spell
}        the name of the Deity correctly."
}
} So for twenty years or so, computers used exclusively uppercase.
}
} There's a similar story about blueprints.  Engineers always used to
} design things in many colors, because that made reading the designs
} easier. When blueprint machines were first invented, they could
} reproduce in all colors, because the originals were multicolored.
} Unfortunately, those machines were very expensive.  The company that
} made them decided that they would sell more if they cut out the
} multicolor feature, because then they could cut their costs by 75% and
} therefore reduce the price by about half.
}
} So they asked a bunch of engineers what color they would like to see
} single-color replications of their designs be, and most said "Black on
} white" because that's more readable than anything else.  So they were
} going to make the new machines print in black on white, and then some
} suit said
}
}       "If there were no blue, it would be impossible to reproduce IBM's
}        logo correctly."
}
} And from that day on, blueprints have been blue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plotter.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Nov 95 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #795-07

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who always has the best Halloween costume:
>
> Who is the Greenwich, and why do we allow her to keep the world's time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Greenwich is the consort of the Green Man, a nature spirit from the
} Celtic mythology of the British isles. So the story goes, way back in
} the mists of history, the Time Being decided to delegate some of his
} authority by appointing one of the many wiches who existed back then,
} as guardian for the world's time. The choice eventually came down to
} three wiches: The Sandwich, the Norwich, and the Greenwich. Each of
} them was asked to demonstrate her qualifications for the job.
}
} The Sandwich worked day and night for a month, and fused sand into
} an hourglass the likes of which the world had never seen, one hundred
} ells high and fifty broad, which would keep time precisely, down to
} the smallest part of a second.
}
} The Norwich was determined to do even better. She set all the stars in
} their courses to revolving around her favorite (the North Star), in
} perfect lock-step synchronization, forming a precision clock the size
} of the entire cosmos. The stars continue in these circular paths to
} this day.
}
} The Greenwich, seeing what the other two had done, calmly raised her
} hand and called upon the forces of nature, and the Sandwich and the
} Norwich were immediately whisked away by an immense storm, never to be
} heard from again.
}
} Thus, the Greenwich was appointed as the guardian of earthly time for
} the simple reason that she can be really mean when she doesn't get her
} way. Hence the term "Greenwich Mean Time".
}
} You owe the Oracle a propitiation, for the Time Being.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Nov 95 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #795-08

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who never chokes, please answer my query:
>
> My boyfriend told me last night that he wants to have "Oracle sex".
> What exactly is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle Sex is when you and your boyfriend have killer wicked mad
} passionate sex, and then afterwards, when you ask him if he loves
} you he gives you a smartass answer involving woodchucks and Joel
} Furr, but never really answers your question.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 20 Nov 95 11:55:02 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #796-09

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> <html>
> <head>
> <title>Usenet Oracle Query</title>
> </head>
> <body>
> <h1>Grovel</h1>
> Oh magnificent Oracle who
> <ul>
> <li>can surf the net with unlimited bandwidth
> <li>knows that &ltP&gt is a container
> <li>is never "under construction"
> </ul>
> <h1>Question</h1>
> Will all correspondence one day be written in HTML?
> <address>
> A. Supplicant
> </address>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} \documentstyle{letter}
} \newcommand{\orrie}{${\cal O}$racle}
} \newcommand{\TUO}{${\cal T}$he ${\cal U}$senet \orrie}
} \name{\TUO}
} \address{\TUO \\
}          oracle@cs.indiana.edu}
} \signature{\TUO}
} \begin{document}
} \begin{letter}{A. Supplicant}
} \opening{Dear supplicant,}
} Given that
} \begin{itemize}
} \item you groveled nicely,
} \item I'm in good mood
} \end{itemize}
} I will gladly answer your query. \par
} No, HTML will never be used for correspondence.
} \LaTeX\ is the way to go.
} \closing{Sincerly,}
} \ps{PS: You owe the \orrie\ the latest version of Netscape.}
} \end{letter}
} \end{document}

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 95 10:47:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #797-04

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise and merciless Oracle, I have a quandary for you.  Which is
> the way to true enlightenment: dating people that I work with, joining
> "Great Expectations" (a dating service), hitting on supermarket
> checkers that are 10 years younger than I, or devoting myself to a life
> of meditation in a Buddhist monastery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the sort of question that just begs to have a table made, and
} my current incarnation, while certainly not a slave to fashion, is a
} slave to the tastes of the Oracle.  So, with no further ado, I give
} you:
}
} The Pluses and Minuses of the Paths to True Enlightenment:
}
} \\ Dating People you work with: //
}   Plus:  Companionship, both at home and at work
}   Minus:  Companionship, both at home and at work
}   Plus:  Titillating sex talk at the office
}   Minus:  Not-so-titillating office talk at home
}   Plus:  Confidence in looking over at your co-worker and knowing that
}             she/he finds you physically attractive.
}   Minus:  Coworkers looking over at you and wondering just what the
}              hell he/she sees in you.
}   TEPF (Total Enlightenment Probability Factor):  36.7%
}
} \\ Joining "Great Expectations" //
}   Plus:  You get to pick a mate like you would a car, by looking at
}             glossy pictures and studying the features of each
}   Minus:  Others are doing the same to you
}   Plus:  N/A  (sorry, Sparky, we're out of Pluses for this one)
}   Minus:  Those clowns charge you mucho dinero to join their' stinkin'
}              club
}   TEPF:  12.2%
}
} \\ Hitting on supermarket checkers 10 years younger than you //
}    Plus:  You might have the chance to teach a novice the joys of sex
}              and of pleasuring another.
}    Minus:  They'll probably have zits
}    Plus:  They can get a discount on groceries
}    Minus:  You'll get sick of their constant badgering of you with the
}               question "Paper or Plastic?"
}    Plus:  Excellent 10-Key skills
}    Minus:  Hard to fantasize about someone in a brown apron
}    TEPF:  45.05%
}
} \\ Devoting yourself to a life of meditation in a Buddhist monastery //
}   Plus:  Those cool robes
}   Minus:  No underwear and cold stone floors.  'Nuff said.
}   Plus:  You might chant yourself to a top ten single
}   Minus:  You can't make videos with hot chicks on MTV
}   Plus:  Spiritual cleansing, true vision, and a balm for your soul
}   Minus:  Very few keg parties
}   TEPF:  73.9%
}
} So we can see that, of the paths you mentioned, the Buddhist route is
} clearly the way to go.  But let me suggest one more:
}
} \\ Presenting the Oracle with good, intelligent questions such as
} these, as compared to the usual nonsense people usually send, and, more
} importantly, sending back well thought-out, creative, original, and
} humorous answers in response //
}   Plus:  You might get accepted to the OD
}   Minus:  N/A
}   Plus:  You won't get <ZOT>ted by an angry incarnation
}   Minus:  N/A
}   Plus:  A pat on the back on a job well done
}   Minus:  N/A
}   TEPF:  99.99%
}
} I think the way has been pointed.
}
} You owe the Oracle true consciousness on his deathbed, payable to the
} current incarnation, cmyers@mednet.swmed.edu.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 95 10:47:52 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #797-05

Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most learned, whose very sputum I am not worthy to consume,
> whose style shall be revered throughout the universe, and whom shall
> always be recognized as a spiffy dresser:
>
>  Do really good used bookstores have any effect on the Earth's
> gravitational pull?  Can you tell me where I can FIND a really good
> used bookstore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really should check the alt.fan.pratchett FAQ.  Pterry is
} creditied with the fundamental insight of information continuum
} dynamics, observing that books contain information, information is
} knowledge, knowledge is power, power is energy, energy has mass, and
} mass warps space.  Ergo (to paraphrase,) a good library is nothing but
} a genteel black hole that has learned how to read.  Cf. Pratchett's
} _Guards! Guards!_ for further information.
}
} Finding a good used bookstore is a matter of gross physical geography.
} Any location at or above 100 feet of altitude simply cannot sustain
} the species.  Hence, entires *states* of the American Midwest haven't
} a decent secondhand bookstore anywhere within their borders, while in
} San Francisco they are so numerous as to be considered minor pests.
}
} There have been some reports of artificially cultivating used
} bookstores by the simple expedient of dumping several decades worth of
} old _National Geographics_ in an empty lot and dousing with espresso,
} but the resulting force-grown shops silt up very quickly with
} "historical novels," self-help bilge, and Stephen King paperbacks.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 95 10:47:57 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #797-09

Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me o wise and splendid oracle, why do my heart beats differently
> whenever I see him or be with him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, being around him has provoked in you an intense allergic
} reaction.  This has resulted in an irregular heartbeat, and (if I'm not
} mistaken) increased body temperature, stomach discomfort, and
} edginess.
}
} I suggest you stay as far away from him as possible, to minimize
} your risk of Sudden Cardiac Death.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-dimensional myocardial motion
} assessment.

------------------------------