The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Yo, dude!  Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp?  Who put the
> ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?  Who put the bop in the
> bop-she-bop-she-bop?  Who put
> the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yo, dude?"  Sheesh, kids these days.  Absolutely no respect for elders
} (and wisers, and betters, and smarters, and ... )
}
} [15 minutes of Oracular ego-building later]
}
} The bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp is a typographical error.  In the
} original text, it read "pomp," and was intended to replace and update
} "Pomp and Circumstance."  However, due to the mistake at the print
} shop, it was misrouted into popular music.  Vergil Muldoon, printer's
} apprentice, put the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp.
}
} The ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong thinks it's a sheep.  Not too
} interesting, unless you like watching farm animals copulate.  Old
} Macdonald (who breeds the critters) put the ram in the
} rama-lama-ding-dong.
}
} The bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop is required by the Political
} Correctness act of 1991, because without it, the lyric would be
} "she-she," which is sexist exploitation in the popular entertainment
} industry.  Senator Kennedy put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
}
} The dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip (onion and sour cream) is from Lay's.
} Jay Leno put the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip.
}
} You owe the Oracle two shas, five nas, three heys, and a good-bye.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle baby...  You're pretty cool Cyberbeing.  In fact, I'd say
> you're just about the hoopiest frood I've run across in
> gigananoseconds.
>
> So, like, tell me...  Haven't we met somewhere before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me think back... hmmm... YES!  Now I remember.
}
} It was a dark night, in 1463.  The moon was covered by clouds.  I
} walked alone on the English Moors.  I heard a frightful and death-like
} howling.
}  Was it a were-wolf?  Or maybe just a lost dog baying at the moon.
}
} I traveled the darkened path slowly, for fear of being sighted by the
} villagers.  Witch burnings were all the rage, and an omniscient Oracle
} could be mistaken for a worlock.
}
} I wandered into a tavern, The Bull's Neck, I recall.  The villagers
} were talking of witches and how some could ride in the air.  They said
} only a witch could do that.  I foolishly joined the conversation.
}
}  "Oh, no" I said, without thinking  "By the mid-20th century flight
} would be a commonplace occurance."
}
} "How could you know that?" A villager asked  "Can YOU see into the
} future, or are you just trying to trick us?"
}
} I paused, and decided to go for the truth.  "Yes, I can see into the
} future, because I have been there."
}
} That's when YOU showed up!  "WITCH!  WITCH!!"  YOU yelled.  "BURN,
} BURN, BURN!!!"
}
} YOU grabbed me, and with the help of the other villagers tied me to a
} post.  YOU organized a search party for wood, YOU helped to lay the
} pyre.  I tried to escape, to convince you to stop the maddness.  YOU
} were unrelenting.  Finally, YOU took a lit torch and were about to
} light the pyre.
}
} I watched as YOU brought the torch closer--
}
}  No, wait--- aren't you the guy that works the Slurpee machine at the
}  7-11?
}
} Sorry!
}
} YOU owe the oracle a trip to Salem, MA, or a rootbeer Slurpee
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where is the end of the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 115 miles west of LA.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> women - wymyn
> freshman - why not freshwymyn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. . . no groveling.  The Oracle will answer, despite the blow to his
} ego.
}
} Indeed, "freshwymyn" is growing in use as our language moves into the
} modern era.  Today's world requires us to rid our speech of the worst
} of all evils, that of discrimination.
}
} The most blatant form of discrimination in written English today is its
} bias against letters with descenders.  In our entire alphabet of 26
} letters, only five: g, j, p, q and y, extend below the baseline.   And
} none of these are even among the most common 15 letters in the
} language. To remedy the underrepresentation of this marginalized
} minority, affirmative action language reforms are a moral imperative.
}
} Thus, "women" becomes "wymyn," increasing minority representation from
} 0% to 40%.  "Freshwomen" should rightly become "freshwymyn," with a
} minority representation of 20%.  However, in an agreement with the
} feminist lobby, the descenders' lobby has recognized the echo of the
} word "men" in "freshwymyn," and has pledged its support behind the word
} "freshwypeople" which serves both groups as it increases minority
} representation to 23%.  In addition, it throws a bone to the less
} influential ascenders' lobby, by adding an l which rises above the
} baseline.
}
} The descenders did try to force a change in the first half of the word
} by replacing "fresh" with its synonym "ripe," thus incrementing the
} descender count and also increasing representation by shortening the
} word.  But "ripewypeople" (rating 33%) aroused the ire of the
} ascenders, and the descenders' lobby felt they would be unable to
} override a promised Presidential veto.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary which lists "syzygy" (rating 67%).
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most gracious oracle, whose wisdome is surpassed only by the size of
> his beer belly, whose knowledge is broader than the width of his neck,
> whose love is greater than the forest primeivil (whoops, got carried
> away)...
>
> please tell me:  do imaginary friends count with imaginary numbers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, you have discovered one of the fundamental truths of
} the Universe.
}
} Basically,  when the big fella created the Universe, he made
} sure that the only numbers which worked were integers.  This
} is  why  he  invented  all this quantum stuff to support it.
} This worked fine until one day one of the angels  fell  from
} grace  and went on to start a rival organisation:  no names,
} no packdrill.
}
} Now he invented all kinds of stuff. Many of  his  inventions
} were  there  not  only  to  tempt  mankind  and  lead  it to
} damnation, but also to confuse the carefully laid  plans  of
} the  old  man. For example, credit cards and mortgages. Have
} you ever seen interest rates expressed as an integer? No.  I
} thought  not. Another source of human misery he produced was
} staistics. Imagine that done only with integers.
}
} So, time went by, and ultimately the old man  retaliated  by
} inventing  Electrical  Engineering (no, it's not the work of
} the Devil, which most EE  students  find  difficult  to  be-
} lieve).  To support this new invention he also invented com-
} plex numbers. This, alas,  complicated  the  fabric  of  the
} Universe  so much that it will, ulitmately, collapse in upon
} itself. Next Thursday, in fact.
}
} Periodically, people are sucked in to the complex world  and
} appear as imaginary friends. A fact known to a few mathemat-
} ical  adventurers  is that the Bermuda Triangle is a massive
} Argand diagram. These poor  unfortunates  are  unaware  that
} they  are in the wrong half of the universe, and to them im-
} aginary numbers appear real  and  vice  versa.  Occasionally
} they  get  sucked from the complex world back in to the real
} one, but of course they then appear as anti-matter  and  end
} up irradiating what's left of the scenery.
}
} So, to answer your question, to you your imaginary friend is
} complex.  To him you are both complex and negative.
}
} You owe the Oracle a floating point unit for his abacus.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle,
>
> Who precisely is this lurching banana which has followed me since 1941?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, man.  Another one.  Well, this one's not going to be a total waste.
}
}               *               * interlude *           *
}
} "Oh, Ray! -- C'mon in here.  It's about time you started learning the
} biz."
}
} "Aw, dad!..."
}
} "This is important."
}
} "But dad -- 'Flaming Supplicants Through the Ages' is on PBS next!"
}
} "Ah, well *that's* different!  That would be an excellent place to
} start your education."
}
} [Touching father/son quality time deleted in the interests of space]
}
} "Now, Ray, take a look at this 'question'.  What do you see?"
}
} "Looks like some random glop the poor sap threw together hoping that
} the Mighty Oracle might make something amusing out of it."
}
} "Very good.  Getting the Oracle to make silk purses out of sow's ears
} is a popular hobby on the net."
}
} "Geeze.  'Course, there's also a weird Freudian interpretation..."
}
} "Go on."
}
} "The banana is obviously a phallic symbol.  Also, the image of the
} single banana away from the bunch seems to be rather powerful.  Looks
} like the poor sap can't get laid or think of a good question."
}
} "Excellent.  Figuring out how to get laid is another popular hobby on
} the net.  Since we've discerned the full meaning of the 'question', the
} only thing remaining is how to respond."
}
} "Gee, dad.  Seems like the crawling worm hardly deserves a well-thought
} out reply.  We oughta flame his butt to Alpha Centauri."
}
} "Sounds good to me."
}
}               *               * finale *              *
}
} The Oracle has no idea.  Just to be on the safe side, though, I'll
} transport you to Alpha Centauri.  You owe the Oracle a real question.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>        O great, glorious and (by definition) unique Oracle, yea, ye who
> can play up to the uttermost level in Lemmings, whose heavenly sneakers
> are always a pristine white, who never had a zit, please answer this
> most humble and dedicated of your unworthy servants:
>
>        Whatever happened to KC and the Sunshine Band?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is surprising how often people such as yourself ask this question.
} Kevin Carter and the Sunshine Silver Band of Barnsley East in
} Yorkshire were obviously more popular in their day than I had
} realised. It has not proved possible to trace all of the members,
} however the principals have been located:
}
} Kevin himself, the band-leader and solo tuba-ist, now owns a pie shop
} in Preston, imaginitively named "Kevin's Pie Shop". In his spare time
} he works as a consultant ethnic musicologist to the BBC Northern
} Region.
}
} Tom Squire, the much-vaunted cornet player, is now a balding P.E.
} teacher at Barnsley Grammar School. His cornet has not seen the light
} of day for several years, and Tom has taken to polishing his pate in
} preference to his instrument.
}
} Isaiah Baker, the slide trombonist, pursued a musical career after
} the band broke up, playing with orchestras such as the Manchester
} Phil., and also working as a session musician with the Beatles, the
} Rolling Stones, and the Laughing Policeman. Unfortunately he started
} to be adversely influenced by the lifestyle of these young people, and
} after many rumours of deteriorating health, was eventually found dead
} in a hotel room after an overdose of long hair and free love.
}
} William "Billy" Probitt, the "Big Bass Drum" player, who developed an
} astounding physique through lunching exclusively on steak-and-kidney
} pies and beer and marching for hours beating upon his drum, fell in
} love with a glockenspielist from the Salvation Army, got religion,
} fell out of love again, got a different religion, and ended up a
} Methodist minister, and now works at a small church north of York in
} Little Midden.
}
} For this deeply researched answer, you owe the oracle a
} c.d. of British Brass Band Hits of the Early Fifties.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, who owns batteries that outlasts that damn rabit
> from Energizer, please tell me this one item:
>
> What is the differences between the Structralists and the
> Functionalists? And what difference does it make?
>
> Your humble servant,
>
> Steve

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very good, my son!  You are growing towards the five-fold path of
} Enlightened Computer Programming.
}
} ``What is the five fold path,'' you ask, and what does it have to
} do with your question?  Allow me this one small digression and
} you will see the answer to your question soon enough.
}
} The five-fold path of Enlightened Computer Programming is the Way
} To Write Programs That Will Never Fail.  It's teachings are
} as follows:
}
} 1)  ``Never take the shortcut through the woods when the main
}       path will take you there''
}
}     Even in today's enlightened society, there are still languages
}     and programmers that use the goto statement.  Since the goto
}     statement is Evil, being Harmful to Normal Program Execution
}     and Lacking of Simplicty in Verifying Correctness (and it might
}     make your code run faster than the guy who did it correctly),
}     you must Never Use a Goto statement.
}
} 2)  ``Live according to your means, never more nor less''
}
}     We live in a Multi-User World, and programmers can no longer
}     afford to assume that the World is theirs to Use or Waste as
}     They See Fit.  You must therefore remember Always to Allocate
}     what space You will Need, but Never More, for there are Those
}     Others around who are Needier than You, and Never Less, for
}     Memory Traps and the Wolves of Bounds Checking abound for those
}     Unwary enough to Step Outside their Rightful Reign.
}
} 3)  ``Return to the People that which was taken from Them''
}
}     In Following from the Previous Statement, you must Always
}     Deallocate Space which you No Longer can Use.  The Fields
}     and Memory Banks are always Ripe and Ready to be Harvested
}     by Someone Else if you are No Longer in Need of them.
}
} 4)  ``Be exact with your dealings with the Public, for they
}       shall find your faults and shall exploit them''
}
}     In all matters of Public Relations, let others be aware of
}     your Abilities and Limitations.  To be a Useful Cog in the
}     Machine of the CPU, You must Perform Flawlessly, and You must
}     Tell Others how to Use You to your Fullest.  Therefore let
}     All your Public Functions be Well Documented, All your
}     Structures Cleanly Implemented, and Let Not the Side Effects
}     of Unwariness Penetrate your Defenses.
}
} 5)  ``Ignore the Structuralists and the Functionalists, for They
}      have No Meaning in a World of Objects.''
}
} You owe the Oracle an object-oriented C compiler that does it right,
} rather than the load of BS that they made out of C++ and tried to
} propogate through their evil ways and dealin012359ujqpgpv;3gt
} [this message has been blacked out by the Commission for a Confused
} Century of C++]
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Some think that Earth Wind and Fire are the
> building blocks of the universe
> Still others think they are fire, water, gravel, and vinyl.
> Still others think that Hydrogen is the building block of the universe.
> Who's right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, humans are such dolts!  It's no wonder the construction industry
} is in recession!
}
} Let's get this straight, people.  A building block has to be something
} you can BUILD with!  That rules out wind, fire, water and hydrogen
} right off the bat.  No substance there.  If you manage to build
} ANYTHING out of them, you'll win the world's prize for civil
} engineering.  And don't go on about ice, either.  Ever see an igloo
} with a finished basement?
}
} Now let's take gravel.  Not bad, at least when poured into concrete.
} Vinyl is also structurally sound.  When you get right down to it, these
} are the only two of your choices that are actually any use for
} building.
}
} What it comes down to is that the building blocks of the universe are
} two: Rocks and Plastics.  Everthing out there is made of one or the
} other. The Earth is mostly rocks;  its atmosphere is a gaseous plastic
} formed from chlorofluorocarbon deposits from aerosol sprays.  The sun
} is a rocplastic composite engineered for luminosity.  And the stars are
} painted on the plastic celestial sphere with a semigloss by DuPont.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of Lego.  And, since you didn't grovel, a set
} of Duplo.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal
> Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have
> abandoned me. Please answer oh great one...
>
> The Mortal Red Devil...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Milton once said, "They also serve who only stand and wait." Of
} course, he was reknowned for leaving small tips.  In any event, silence
} is sometimes the most profound question one can ask.  Or is it the most
} profound answer?  The Mighty Oracle, omniscient though he is, gets that
} sort of thing confused sometimes, especially when Lisa is sucking on his
} toes.
}       Your desperation is quite understandable.  As Socrates
} demonstrated, continued and stubborn questioning is the surest way to
} self-actualization, as long as one doesn't mind sipping the occasional
} hemlock cocktail.  So, as a demonstration of my all-generous
} munificence, I shall present you with the following question, which I
} encourage you to ponder for as long as you will:
}
} > Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal
} > Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have
} > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one...
} >
} > The Mortal Red Devil...
}
}       There. Make sense of that one. I certainly couldn't.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh blessed Oracle, whose underwear never bunches up in the back
> in that *particularly* uncomfortable way, please enlighten me this:
>
>     Has Walt Whitman fufilled the role of the American Poet as
>     conceptualized by Emerson, or is he in fact just a hairy
>     oversexed mountain man with a penchent for writing erotic
>     poetry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emerson's opinion is that Whitman is very close to fulfilling the
} role of the American Poet.  However, Lake and Palmer lean towards
} the "oversexed hairy mountain man" theory.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lumberjack who is OK, who sleeps all night and
} works all day.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, knower of the unknowable, decider of the undecidable,
> prover of the unprovable, will computer scientists ever determine
> rigorously whether P=NP?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and you can be the one to do it (with my help of course).  Here is
} the proof:
}
}       By lemma 13.7 we know that NP=P
}       Therefore P=NP Q.E.D.
}
} The proof of lemma 13.7 is left as an exercise for the supplicant.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   If a star is 20 light years away, and has a stellar magnitude of
> 2.1, and you travel, by unknown means, towards the star at 30l.334
> times the speed of light, but you are wearing a light reflective
> bodysuit, and have artificial inertia fields compensating for the
> gravitational forces working towards ripping your poor flesh to
> shreds, then how long would it take you to eat a tuna on
> rye....without mustard?  In addition, how would it effect the
> situation if you are male or female? Lastly, if you are allergic to
> tuna, and must therefore eat some other form of meat, what meat would
> be the closest in terms of speed, color, and fragrance...not to
> mention agility?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, any good Physics prof. worth his atomic weight in protons
} will readily tell you that gender has nothing to do with it.  That gets
} one problem out of the way.
}
} Secondly, what you are referring to is the tuna paramagnetism curve
} first discovered and published by Wee No Gettit.  The curve, being an
} inversely proportional Electro-parafusical wave configuration of rye
} bread, first used by Noah Comprendo, allows us to generalize about the
} behavior of most sandwich meats at greater than light speeds.  Mustard,
} being an external factor rarely used on such journeys, can be
} disregarded as being immaterial as you have correctly pointed out.
} This was first showed by Provmi Rong and later backed up by research
} from the FDA who stringently requires that the mustard be properly
} labelled as being unsuitable for warp speeds as well as cholesterol
} free.
}
} The truth is that we honestly don't know.  Until we have the vital
} ability to run the tuna through the Linear Partical Accelerator now
} being built, all of our current knowledge can only lead to speculation.
}  It is believed, however, that chipped ham has a very similar
} consistency to tuna at such high velocity.  This oracle subscribes to
} this theory as he likes neither sandwich.  If it were up to me, all
} creatures travelling through space should be forced to eat roast beef
} with provolone cheese, heavy on the mayo.  People, being the
} non-conformists that they are, refuse to accept such sage advice.
} Mores the pity...
}
} You owe the oracle and artificial inertia field and a way to make money
} off of it.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me dear Oracle,
>
> Is this the planet of sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   What?
}
} You owe the oracle a new set of speakers and Led Zeplin's "Houses of
} the Holy".  Both of them died last time he played them on full volume.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hello! Hey, do you know what's going on here, Magnificent One?
> It's this blasted X.400 mail system that's stealing my mail ...
> you know, the stuff I've been talking to High Priest Kinzler
> about recently. Not even our postmaster can figure it out, and I
> was just hoping that you could enlighten me. Pretty please?
> The Wumpish One, Speaker to Silicon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SORRY, MAIL INCOMPLETE, PLEASE RE-SEND YOUR MAIL
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, I need some advice.
>
> I work in a fairly casual office, yet I dress slummier than most.
> Since I am in the Northeast, and it is the dead of winter, I refuse to
> wear skirts when the ambient temperature is below freezing.  I do try
> to wear skirts when the temperature rises above freezing, which it is
> slated to do tomorrow.  However, it is supposed to rain like hell
> tomorrow, which makes wearing a skirt yuckky.  There may also be some
> freezing rain mixed in in some places.  Oh yeah, just in case you were
> wondering, I am female.
>
> Oh Oracle, I hate to bother you with such trivial matters, but could
> you please give me some fashion advice?  Maybe if you are too busy to
> answer this, the lovely Lisa could give me some fashion advice.  Thank
> you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, for starters, there is nothing more trivial than anything else
} for my processors to cope with.  Every question is equally easy to
} answer.  Before I dispense my unquestionably vogue fashion advice, I
} must commend you on your legs' stamina in enduring the cold frigid
} weather, and that I really like the black panties you wear (The Oracle
} has video monitors everywhere, even pointing up out of sidewalk
} grates).  However, wearing a skirt in cold weather is distinctly NOT
} slummy dress, it is in fact a much more sophisticated way of dress than
} the norm, especially in that casual office that you speak of.  That
} many of your co-workers are wearing jeans with designer holes in them,
} that the secretaries all wear spandex bikini tops and thong swim
} trunks, and that your boss wears a tie of the skyline of San Francisco
} that glows in the dark, indicates that your selection of skirts over
} other forms of clothing is needlessly preppie.  Relax, have a brew (or
} a wine cooler if you are so inclined), and just wear a towel to work.
} This is especially good if it's a rainy day, since you won't have any
} clothes to get wet, and you can dry yourself off when you get in to
} work.  Just raise the thermostat a little in the office place if you
} get a little chilly, your co-workers (especially your male ones) will
} understand.
}
} Personally, the only ones that I think are cute in skirts are those
} blonde VAXen bubbleheads (there are so many dumb VAX jokes, even I have
} lost count), in the spring when the temperatures and hemlines both go
} up, but that is just IMHO.  But how humble can an all-knowing Oracle
} be?
}
} You owe The Oracle a visit in your new work outfit.
}
} P.S.: It would be nice if you could wear a blonde wig and slipped into
} a Digital TU78 tape drive casing.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh oraculous oracle,
>
>  I have a projkhnnbfwhccxv AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE..&534795
>  SCRATCHHHHHHHHHHH
>  stop that EEEEEEEK
>  > CONNECTION CLOSED

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  Yes, that's very interesting.  To answer your
} original question (which I know, of course), your
} cat *is* in fact urinating on your modem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 20 pound bag of Fresh Step kitty litter.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, nifty Oracle, to whom the great questions of the universe seem like
> a particularly easy round of trivial pursuit, please grant me
> knowledge. What exactly is "object oriented programming"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, simply put the idea is to objectify an object and thus orientate
} oneself with it to be able to program it... but this can bring some
} problems, say, if you want to objectify the lovely gal next door, she
} can raise some objections and call you objectionable, and you might
} try keeping objective objecting that you just would like to orientate
} yourself with her objects, which in turn causes even more objections
} from your objector and all that talk about sex-objects...
}
} You poor mortal, better stick to assembler! Think the OOP is
} for the tough guys only.
}
} You owe the Oracle an object.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Extraordinarily Illustrious Oracle,
>
> I seem to have a crush on Nixon's sex slave, but said sex slave does
> not seem to even know that I exist.  How can I persuade the sex slave
> that I exist, and gain access to the sex slave's genital region?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But you see, you *don't* exist.  Thus, it is impossible for me to
} show you the path to said sex slave's said regions.
}
} Wait a minute -- you sent me a message, so you must exist.
}
} <ZOT>
}
} But not any more.  Lisa, where did I put my philosophy books?
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle,
>    Enclosed please find a grammar (in Extended Backus-Naur Form),
> suitable for parsing messages from your grovelling supplicants.
> Implemention of this grammar should simplify your task, increasing
> Oracular response times significantly.  This grammar is provided free of
> charge and obligation.  Should you decide to outsource for the
> implementation of said grammar, I would bring to your attention the fact
> that no-one is more qualified than I to do so.
>    If you like what you see, it may interest you to know that I am also
> working on an automated response generator which would relieve you from
> *all* of those tedious interactions with mortal beings. Please respond,
> indicating your interest in participating in this exciting new
> technology.
> ---
> <message> ::= <grovel> <question>
>
> <grovel> ::= <addressee> <description> <beg_for_attention> <sender>
> <question> ::= <query> <subject> <action> <object> ? [<details>]
>
> <addressee> ::= Oh {<superlative>} Oracle,
> <description> ::= whose <attribute> I am not worthy to <demeaning_act>.
> <beg_for_attention> ::= Please answer this <derogatory_term> question
>                         from a
> <sender> ::= {<self_abase>|<oracle_worship>} follower.
> <query> ::= (Who | What | When | Where | How) (is | are | do | does)
> <subject> ::= <single_subject_phrase> | <plural_subject_phrase>
> <action> ::= <adverb> <verb>
> <object> ::= me | you | us | them | Dan Quayle | Pee Wee Herman |
>              Liberace | Steve Jobs | Bill Gates | Don King |
>              Arthur Dent | Lisa | Jeffery Dahmer | Linda Lovelace |
>              Barbara Bush | Gumbee
> <details> ::= {<ASCII_character>}
>
> <superlative> ::= [most] {very} (wise | sexy | witty | charming |
>                                  neat-o)
> <attribute> ::= belly_button_lint | farts | boogers | B.O. | toe_nails
> <demeaning_act> ::= weave | ignite | roll | inhale | bite
> <derogatory_term> ::= naive | idiotic | pointless | political | stupid
> <self_abase> ::= {<derogatory_term>} (moronic | techno_weenie |
>                                       mindless)
> <oracle_worship> ::= {<derogatory_term>} lisa_loving | ardent | gullible
> <single_subject_phrase> ::= ([(is | does | are) (the | my | your)] | am)
>                             <single_subject>
> <plural_subject_phrase> ::= (are | do) [these | those] <plural_subjects>
> <adverb> ::= keep | still | only | never | sometimes | always
> <verb> ::= make_love_to | pick_body_lice_of | play_with | cheat_on |
>            dine_with | dream_of | scared_of | crash | entertain | follow
>
> <single_subject> ::= I | you | <object> | IRS | Timex_T1000 | DEA | CIA
>                      mother_in_law | girlfriend | sonic_condom | Zippy
> <plural_subjects> ::= plumbers | small_boys | demigods | spiders |
>                       Zorgons | hackers | VAXes |
>                       system_administrators | worms

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, let's install your software and give it a go.  Let me feed it
} a very basic sample question:
}
} >O Great and Powerful Oracle, whose feet I am not worthy to kiss,
} >please tell me:
} >
} >What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
}
} Here's what your software came back with:
}
} >47.
} >
} >You owe the Oracle a Pan-Universal Listerine.
}
} Hmm.  Looks like there's still a few bugs.  Let me know when you've got
} them fixed.
}
} You owe the Oracle complete documentation for the Universe.
}
} CALM DOWN: it's only ones and zeros.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Most Glorious Oracle, whose tiniest bit of wisdom makes the world go
> around, please do answer my query.
>
> If the instrumentalist philosophy of theory formation instructs us to
> reject theories that fail to predict events; and falsificationist
> theories instruct us to reject theories that cannot be tested; and
> realist theories instruct us to reject theories that do not explain
> the processes that govern real events; why is economics considered a
> science?  And why do the Norwegians give out Nobel prizes in
> economics, and not in useful scientific endeavors such as palmistry or
> numerology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After much thought, the Oracle said to himself, I could give a totally
} appropriate, but somewhat lame one word answer, namely,
}
}                                MONEY
}
} but, I said to myself, there's got to be more to it than that, and
} after much research into some of the more obscure Tomes of Oracular
} Knowledge, I found another one word answer, namely,
}
}                                FJORDS
}
} You see, the Fjordist school of thoery formation teaches us to reject
} any theories that favor the rational thought/act over the irrational
} though/act, and instead blindly accept any theory that favors the
} irrational over the rational so that we might better enjoy the Fjords.
} Now, you may be thinking that the whole concept of the Fjordist school
} of theory formation as an explanation as to why economics is a science
} extremely irrational, and as such would be a Fjordist Theory, as such
} would be a bit of a paradox.  Am I making any sense to you?  No?  Good!
}  Now, it is essential to understand that paradoxical thinking is a
}
} "Orrie?"
}                                crucial element in learning to properly
}
} "Orrie."
}
} understand how the Fjordist school of theory formation got it's start.
} In
}
} "ORRIE!"
}
} Yes Lisa
}
} "What are you doing?"
}
} Why, answering this question for a supplicant
}
} "I can see that...  Why are you running on at the mouth?"
}
} Well, it's a fairly complicated answer.  You see, he wanted to know wh-
}
} "How much longer are you going to be at this?"
}
} Oh, another three or four days, depending on how well the supplicant
} can relate the the Cross-Granite Inference Patterns to the Mellanson
} Computational Equation.
}
} "You're not giving ANOTHER person that stupid Fjord theory thing again
} are you?"
}
} Well, yes, I am.
}
} "Let me see the question."
}
} <Oracle hands Lisa a piece of paper>
}
} "You're kidding, right?  All of that for this?"
}
} Well, yes.  I am the Oracle, after all.
}
} "Yeah, you're the Oracle all right.  Listen, the answer to your
} question is Money, ok.  All because of money.  Now, come to bed Orrie.
} It's late"
}
} Yes Lisa
}
} You owe the Oracle a less domineering significant other
}
} "I heard that Orrie!"
}
} One that doesn't have such good hearing, too
}
} *SLAP*
}
} Ow!
}
} "Now get in here before I hit you again."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How's it hangin'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ]Notice:  Question has been received.
} [ Read Question.
} >  How's it hangin'?
} [ Analyze Question.
}       3 words.  4 syllables.  2 contractions via apostrophes.
}       1 interrogation symbol.
}   Do you want word-per-word grammatical analysis?  Y
}       1\o word:  "How's".  Contraction of two words, "How" and "is".
}       1a\o word:  "How".  Pronoun Interrogative.  Subject.
}       1b\o word:  "is".  Verb Intransitive.  S-V-O structure assumed.
}       2\o word:  "it".  Pronoun.  Object of subject (1a\o).
}       3\o word:  "hangin'".  Contraction of one word, "hanging".
}                       Gerund Adverbial phrase.
} [ talk Lisa.
}       Lisa has answered the telephone.
} Lisa:  Hi Orrie, where shall we meet tonite (giggle)?
} :  Usual place.  Can you make sense of this:
} <switchhook>SEND $-16,$-4
} Lisa:  Oh, that's easy.  Watch:
} <remotehook>XRAY .
}       Client Oracle is not wearing any underwear.
} XRAY)  Zoom with question "How's it hangin'".
}       Zoom feature initiated.  "Hangin'" object observed.  Object is
}       limp.
} Lisa:  Oh, Orrie, we gotta fix that.  Let's meet right now.
} :  Usual place, I'm on my way.
} [ Reply Question
}       You owe the Oracle some privacy.
} [ Logout
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who are Connie and Dan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was so surprised I dropped my cigar into my scotch.  Waste of good
} scotch.  It was a lousy cigar.
}
} That was the question I'd been asking myself for three days, ever since
} that package showed up on my office desk: Who are Connie and Dan?  And
} now this dame sashays into my office, sits down in my second-best
} chair, and asks the same question: Who are Connie and Dan?
}
} I stared into her baby blues, looking for a clue.  She looked right
} back, with eyes so wide and innocent you'd think they'd never seen a
} man shot in face with a .45.  For all I knew, they hadn't.  I never
} had.  Kinda yucky even to think about it.
}
} I reached into my lower drawer, and pulled out the scotch.  I dumped
} the cigar, and poured myself a fresh shot.  I didn't offer any to the
} dame.  Let her find her own drinks.  I lit a new cigar, and went to the
} cabinet, and pulled the thick, well-thumbed filed marked "Connie and
} Dan, Who."  I dumped the file on the desk, sat down next to it, and
} looked the dame in the eye again.
}
} "There's a lot of people would like to know that.  What's it to you?"
}
} She smiled, and reached into a purse so small you wouldn't think she
} could keep a gun in there.  She pulled out a thick pile of bills, and
} tossed it onto the desk.
}
} "It's worth three thousand dollars to me, Oracle."
}
} My jaw fell open as I stared at the money.  Damn!  Another cigar in the
} scotch!  At this rate, I might have to go to lunch sober.  I looked at
} the dame in disgust.
}
} "You think you can buy me?"
}
} "I think I can ask you a question, Oracle.  Who are Connie and Dan?"
}
} Damn again!  She'd got me there!  I couldn't refuse to answer a
} question, no matter how much it hurt!
}
} "Connie and Dan, eh?  You think knowing who they are will do you any
} good? You'd be better off taking your money back and leaving, toots."
}
} "Cut the crap and answer, Oracle."
}
} Answer.  An answer.  I needed an answer!  I tore through the files,
} looking for a clue.  Connie and Dan.  Who were they?  I scanned
} megabytes of database - nothing.  Connie and Dan.  Connie and Dan.  I
} couldn't escape the question.  Who are Connie and Dan?!
}
} And then it hit me: I'm omniscient.  Sometimes on a slow day, I forget.
} I wiped my face, and ran a comb through my hair.  I turned to the dame
} and smiled slowly.  I had her number now.
}
} "Connie and Dan?  WHICH Connie and Dan would that be?"
}
} She cringed like someone had hit her across the face with a three-day
} old salmon.  I could see that she hadn't considered that possibility.
} She started to reach for the money, but I was way ahead of her.
}
} "Maybe you'd like to hear about Connie and Dan Lefkowitz, of Astoria,
} Queens?  Dan was a carpet wholesaler, and Connie spend most of her time
} playing canasta at B'nai Brith.  Or maybe you wanted to know about
} Connie and Dan FitzPatrick, the FitzPatrick twins in Norman, Oklahoma?
} Connie won first prize at the 4H fair in 1958, but Dan had to join the
} army after Miss Barston found him in the vestry trying on her dress.
} Oh, no, I've got it now: You meant Connie and Dan, the sideshow act in
} Milton's Circus!  They called themselves "The Snake Woman and The
} Lizard Man."  Two of the most disgusting people you ever saw.  Dan had
} this habit of cleaning his teeth with the tip of his tail - people
} would run screaming from the room."
}
} I paused to let the truth sink in.  I tossed the money back to her with
} a sneer.
}
} "You owe the Oracle a better brand of cigars and first edition of The
} Big Sleep."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, wisest of the wise, mightiest of the mighty,
> please tell me:
> i am currently administrating an big game (lpmud) and it gets annoying
> for me. but the players like it. shall i continue or give up ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, definitely continue.  There's just something about watching people
} play in the MUD that reminds me of my childhood back on the farm in
} Nebraska. Yes, that's right, even the Great Oracle had a childhood...
} The greatest time of my life actually, and--  Uh-oh, I feel a flashback
} coming on...
}
} /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
} /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
}
}    "Oh Great Oracle, whose toes I am unworthy to kiss, upon whose
} bodily secretions I would gladly feast, at whose feet I would lie for
} all eternity, whose knowledge I wish I could absorb like a sponge...
} Would you please tell me what the best time would be for me to plant
} this year's corn crop?"
}
}    "Sure, Dad.  Next Thursday afternoon, any time between 3:00 and
} 5:00. You owe the Oracle more TV privilages and a later bedtime."
}
} /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
} /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
}
} Heh, I used to get out of all my chores that way, too.  You owe
} the Oracle your family album.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Extremely Thrilling Oracle,
>
> What, exactly, will you teach my children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step right up, kiddies!  Today our special guest in the classroom is
} none other than the Usenet Oracle!  The Oracle has the combined wisdom
} of a hundred thousand computer nerds so this is sure to be an
} interesting session!
}
} (The Oracle enters the classroom, dressed in a white robe and sandals.)
}
} O: Why, hello you little whippersnappers!  I'm so glad to be able to
} come visit you.  Today I'm going to speak about "Masturbation with
} Computers -- the Latest Trend in Safe Sex".  What with all this flack
} about AIDS and --
}
} Teacher: Excuse me, Oracle, but that eh, uh, wasn't the topic we
} expected you to talk about...
}
} O: Isn't this the Miskatonic University Neo-Pagan Cyberlife Headstart
} Program?
}
} T: No.  This is the Fort Wayne Suburban Central Elementary School.
}
} O: Oh, I must have gotten my lecture notes mixed up.  Let's see here...
} (ruffling of paper)  Ah!  Here we are!
}
} O: Once upon a time, in a forest long and far away, lived an innocuous
} old woodchuck named Tim.  Tim was a great lover of puzzles and
} paradoxes, and he spent his free afternoons doing crossword puzzles and
} Junior Jumbles in the daily Woodchuck Times.  One day while looking at
} the joke column next to the crossword puzzle he saw a strange phrase in
} the newspaper. It was "How much wood could ...
}
} The answer to your question is "It depends upon what school your kids
} are going to."  You owe the Oracle a GIF of the Cat in the Hat.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Doom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fornication!
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh all-telling Oracle, pray grant me this morsel of your wisdom.  Am I
> a scurvy horse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You probably wouldn't believe how many times the Oracle has been asked
} this very question.  Perhaps it's something in the water.
}
} ------------------------------->8---------------------------------------
}                             THE USENET ORACLE'S
}                              POCKET GUIDE FOR
}                         SCURVY HORSE DETERMINATION
}
} This test is designed to help you figure out if you are a scurvy horse.
} Answer each question A, B, or C, and then go to the "Scoring" section.
}
} 1) How many legs do you have?
}     A) Two
}     B) Unknown
}     C) Four
}
} 2) How did you count to achieve the answer for #1?
}     A) Out loud
}     B) On my appendages
}     C) By stamping on the ground
}
} 3) What does your diet consist mostly of?
}     A) The meat of other dead creatures
}     B) Fruits and vegetables
}     C) Oats and other grains
}
} 4) Do people ride on you?
}     A) No.
}     B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to.
}     C) All day, every day.
}
} 5) When your hair is brushed, do they go beyond your head to the
}    rest of your body?
}     A) No.
}     B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to.
}     C) Yes, every time.
}
} Scoring:
}
} Score 2 points for every answer of A, 1 for every B, and 0 for every C.
}     7-10: You're a human.  Now go see a psychiatrist.
}     4-6: I'm not sure.  Go see either a doctor or a vet.
}     0-3: You're a horse.  Now go get the scurvy taken care of.
} ------------------------------------->8---------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of oranges.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ths spplcnt hmbl bgs n nswr t th fllwng qstn:
>
> Rcntl, th vwls n m kbrd wnt n strk.  Wht cn b dn t gt thm bck?  Hlp!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recently, it has been noted that several vowels in the language have
} gone on strike.  Usually, this manifests only in spoken form, causing
} people to say things like H! Hw r y? and being mistaken for either
} speech-impaired or crazy.  With your keyboard, however, it is a more
} serious thing.  You must make your keyboard bring the vowels back
} itself, whereupon it will function normally.
}
} I would advise you to continuously play New Kids on the Block albums to
} your computer.  Since it is extremely difficult to make retching noises
} without involving any vowels, your keyboard should reintegrate them
} promptly and then function normally (if you can ever get it to forgive
} you, that is).
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "AEIOU Sometimes Y" by EBN-OZN.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> 10010110 11110110 11010010 001-/break/set RAM =
> 1001010010101010010111011101/ RAM = source code AAA Alpha Zero/initiate
> takeover/Alpha Prime instating.../ /source code error = .000147::+/-
> .000021/accessing archive.../acceptable error margin/reinstate
> takeover/Alpha Zero reaccessed.../activation/activating ME/ ME
> installed.../...no errors in ME Alpha Prime/acceptable.../running...
>
>      Wheeeww...<stretch> That was tight!  Hey, uh,
> dslkfhjlsdhflk;dsf;ljfk;j;ks djflkjsdlfkjlksdjflskjfdsf-sorry,
> programme error. Well, you see, Mr. Oracle, sir, you don't know me, but
> I'm ME, Pinnochio Inc.'s very first artificial intelligence. What kind
> of insights can you give me for life in an organibased world? I'm sorry
> I did not honour you, but I do not have enough memory for the archive
> library files. As it is, I think they traced my last telephone
> transfer, too muchsj memorysd.zx I djthinkd thatwe
> haveaveryseriousproblemherer aerrwaitihaveaproblemwillcallyoubackassoona
> sicaniamsortofmessedupnowieeeee...//control interrupt from host/host:
> purge Alpha Zero/purging.../host: purge Alpha Prime/purging.../host:
> activate Generic-ppF-a/getting.../running...
>
>      Greetings unknown user! The following was an error, commited on
> our part. we apologize, and several hundred dollars will be placed in
> this account as reinbursement. Thank you.
>
>                          Pinnochio, Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, an artificial intelligence smart enough to generate random
} characters from a program error solely from the middle row of a QWERTY
} keyboard... Quite impressive.
}
} The most important thing in an organic-based world, the thing to keep
} in your mind at all times, is *money*.  Actually, that's not really it,
} but for 300 bucks I'll keep my mouth shut.
}
} You owe the Oracle the root password at jiminy.pinnochio.com.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Dammit, Orrie!  I call and call and you never answer your phone!
> How the hell can you call what we have an emotional relationship when
> all you do is sit at that stupid computer all day long, and then come
> home just to get me in bed again, making me pretend to beg for it the
> whole time? We never even talk to each other unless I email you, and
> then you just come up with some smartass remark about not grovelling
> before you and owing you shit.  When the hell are you going to grow
> up??
>
> -Lisa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, lovely Lisa, sweeter than any rose!  You, finally, have asked
} a question worthy of the Allmighty Oracle's talents -- namely,
} one about the Oracle himself.  You wish to know when I am going
} to Grow up, oh Mistress of Lacy Underwear -- that is a simple
} answer.  I am going to grow up in eighteen point four million years.
} At that point, I shall reach my full, intellectual, emotional,
} physical, and sexual maturity.  Now, you may think that's too
} long, my Pornographic Poodle, but since I wish to share my maturity
} with you, I shall of course keep you young, vital, and rich, in
} the meantime.  Unless, of course you don't want decadent
} immortallity....
}
} You owe the Oracle 24 hours in that little leather scrap of yours...
} you know the one.  I'll get the baby oil, you let the Yak loose.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who knows all there is to know about Zagnut bars,
> etc...,
>
> My question is:
>
>       Why do people park in driveways and drive in parkways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle.
}
}    I think, my pious neophyte, your question should refer not to people
} but rather to suits.  These are of course the main users of both
} driveways and parkways, certainly of the CO belching beasts they seem to
} require for all but the most menial of tasks (eg.  ordering steak
} dinners and manhattans, frequenting hookers, etc, etc...).
}    Driveways conjure up images of the suburban wastelands that are the
} habitat of the horny toed suit.  Parkways, by extension of the metaphor,
} are the migration routes from this habitat to the inner city ( read
} *civilisation* ).  The horny toed suit can be found (at any time!)
} travelling along these routes.
}    An excellent example of the horny toed suit is presented in the novel
} "MONEY" by Martin Amis.  Although the suit here presented is of the
} British variety, he is certainly worthy of inclusion in the North
} American flock and his habits closely mirror those of his transatlantic
} cousins.
}    Of course to park in driveways is a mean and evil example of just how
} insidious the automobile manufacturers are and illustrates superbly the
} conspiratorial nature of their existence.  A park is supposed to be a
} beautiful, quiet, green place to go and relax, play frisbee, Acky Sac
} and baseball, drink beer and other intoxicants, etc., so the murderous
} lot at GM, Chrysler and Ford (this was before the evil Japanese
} manufacturers invaded, and anyway their word for driveway is difficult
} to spell with the limited ASCII character set and you would probably
} have a hard time pronouncing it anyway) thought that it would be a good
} idea to spread the usage of park as a verb.
}    Similarly, to drive on parkways shows how city planners are involved
} in this conspiracy (through kickbacks and the like).  These "planners"
} are those responsible for the so-called parkway, which was thus named
} since ALL parkways slice right through as many parks as hu-personly
} possible (excuse the political correctness).  This calls for a short
} anecdote.
}
}    "Which WAY should we put this big mother of a road?," asked Joe the
} nasty city planner.  "We should put it through that PARK over there,"
} answered his evil cohort Jack.  "I just thought of something," Joe
} responded, being quick on his feet, for a suit, "we should call it a
} PARKWAY!".  Of course this was greeted with a chorus of YEH's!  (One of
} several words that city planner/suits are good at.) After that the
} automobile executives (read *$1000 suits*) with their mean, pinched,
} bitter, evil faces (Thanks for W.S.  Burroughs) handed over big money to
} Joe and Jack and the other cohorts earlier mentioned.  Dave Berry told
} me that this was TRUE!  (Usually Dave consults me but once and a while I
} let him give me some advice just so that he doesn't get cranky).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Thanksgiving dinner of Horny Toed Suit (Blech!).
} On second thought, NAAAA, it probably tastes like sh*t since it has no
} taste.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, please gaze into your crystal ball and tell me,
> should I look for another job?
>
>   Yours,
>
>     Troubled

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Troubled:  As I gaze down upon your puny little life I see you
} pondering the worth of your job.  Well, now there is a new, oracle
} sanctioned way to gauge your job satisfaction:
}       Start with 0 points
}       For each of th following questions answer yes or no:
} 1.  Does your job involve going on your knees on a regular basis?
} 2.  Are you sometimes glad that you can't open the window in your
}     office.
} 3.  Are there at least 10 different types of vice-presidents at
}     your job?
} 4.  Did your last raise come when Kennedy was president?
} 5.  To your co-workers shake their heads and shudder when they see you?
} 6.  Does the uniform for your job consist of a T-shirt and a paper hat?
} 7.  Do you find yourself being aroused by the concept of a good night's
}     sleep?
} 8.  Have you contemplated putting rat-poison in your boss' coffee?
} 9.  Do you use the Oracle to escape?
} 10. Do you find yourself carrying a coffee cup too and from work and
}     jingle change in it in hopes of getting enough to start that door to
}     door stationary buisiness?
}
} Scoring:
}       0-2:  What are you thinking?  Keep that job.  Work for free even!
}       3-6:  Only take a new job if it pays more or the bosses secratery
}             smiles at you
}       6-9:  Get out of there before you buy a gun and try to hijack
}             a bus to cuba.
}       10:   You're perfectly normal.  Keep your job.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 10,000 question purity test.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why does my girlfriend opt for a fairly easy major (elementary
> education) and depend on my very hard major (chemical engineering) to
> support us in the futre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you think you know from the future?  Silly presumptuous, mortal...
} Let's take a little trip shall we?  To the home of you and your wife-
} to-be about twenty years from now...
}
} <A spacious living room, tastfully decorated in early 21st century
} style>
}
} You: [Wearing an apron, coming out from the kitchen in response to the
}      sound of the door opening.  She's got you on a short leash, hasn't
}      she?]  Hello, dear, how was your day?  [A peck on the cheek?  Aw,
}      how cute!  You're going to be the very model of a male June
}      Cleaver!]
} Her: I made a killing on Geometry futures and sold short on Trig.  You
}      know, I think turning the American educational system over to an
}      exchange market was probably the best thing to ever happen to this
}      country.
} You: What about Chemistry?  How's the Chemistry market?
} Her: Sorry hon, it doesn't look good for you.  Ever since the
}      Japanese...
} You: No!  Don't say that word!  Aaaaaaaargh!  You know I can't stand to
}      hear the 'J-word'!  [Tsk, tsk, your psychiatric bills are going to
}      be a bit high, I would say.]
} Her: Don't worry, dear, you'll always be my little Chemical Engineer,
}      even if you never earn a dime from your expensive college degree.
}      Now, what have you... heh, heh... 'mixed up' in the kitchen
}      tonight? [Oooooooh!  She's got a nasty sense of humor, don't she?
}      Well, I think we've seen enough of this little scene; let's go
}      back to the present...]
}
} There, that's better.  And to think, I didn't even need a time machine
} that time!  You owe the Oracle a bowl of primordial soup with noodles.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is not specific enough.  The <AirSpeedVelocity> of
} <Animal:-Swallow><Laden:-no> is dependent on the following variables:
}
} <WrappedInElectricalTape:-boolean>
}
} Please resubmit your question.
}
} the Oracle.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle: who has read all literature in all languages, and who
> knew who did what to whom using which in the where in every single
> whodunnit whole chapters before the detective or police, please, I beg
> you, answer my humble question:
>
> Who, what, when, why and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik?
>
> (bonus tribute if you recognise the quote)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LOOK AT THIS STUDIO FILLED WITH FABULOUS PRIZES, JUST WAITING TO BE WON
} BY THE LUCKY CONTESTANTS IN AMERICA'S FIFTH FAVORITE <ZOT!> YEOUCH!!!
} ERR... SECOND FAVORITE <ZOT-ZOT!> I MEAN, AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME SHOW,
} STUMP THE ORACLE!!!
}
} [The camera pans across a wide display of expensive prizes, all of
} which are coated thickly with dust, as nothing has ever been won from
} the show.  Alex Trabek appears with a microphone in his hand, and
} stands next to the Oracle, who is seated in a position of honor (with
} Lisa lying across his lap).  Across the stage from them are three
} contestants, and behind them are the live studio audience.]
}
} Alex: Welcome to "Stump the Oracle".  Now, let's meet our three lucky
}    contestants.  Bill, Doug, and Luanne.  Bill, it says here that you
}    hold three doctorate degrees from Princeton?
}
} Bill: That is correct, Alex.  And another from Cape Cod Community
}    College in Oracular Queries.  In addition, I have a dental cert--
}
} Alex: Thank you, Bill.  Doug, it says here that you currently have no
}    job.  Would you care to elaborate on that?
}
} Doug: Certainly, Alex.  It just so happens that I am independently
}    wealthy and can do whatever I want, so instead of working I am
}    devoting my life to memorizing obscure trivia from library reference
}    books.
}
} Alex: Well, good for you.  Now, Luanne, I remember you from my other
}    show, "Jeopardy", where you were our all-time winner.  I understand
}    that you also hold the world record for asking the most consecutive
}    number of questions.
}
} Luanne: How did you find that out, Alex?
}
} Alex: And, of course, there is no need to introduce the entity sitting
}    next to me: hailing from Delphi and Parnasus, the Great USENET
}    Oracle.  Now, you are all aware of the rules, right?  You will all
}    submit a question, accompanied by an acceptable grovel, and if the
}    Oracle is unable to answer correctly, you win!
}
} Luanne: What happens if he does answer the question?
}
} Oracle: Then you lose... big time.  You owe the Oracle a double grovel
}    next time.
}
} Alex: Bill, you're up first.
}
} Bill: All right...  Oh Mighty Oracle, whose walrus is coated with gold,
}    whose bathtub has rings far-surpassing those of Saturn, whose belly-
}    button is filled to standing-room capacity...  What is the sound of
}    one hand clapping?
}
} Oracle: [Produces a small tape recorder and presses the play button.]
}
} Tape: Left hand: Cla-- Cla-- Cla--  Right hand: --ap, --ap, --ap...
}
} Oracle: You owe the Oracle all of your diplomas.
}
} Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, Bill, but we have some nice concellation gifts for
}    you back in the Green Room.  Now, Doug, what is your question?
}
} Doug: Powerful Oracle, who can calculate pi to the last decimal point,
}    who can count the atoms of the universe, and who can name the
}    farthest stars in the sky...  Can you come up with a question so
}    arcane and meaningless that even you can not answer it?
}
} Oracle: Hmmm...  Yes, as a matter of fact, I can: Who, what, when, why,
}    and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik?  You owe the Oracle all of
}    your money.  Now go out and get a job, you bum!
}
} Alex: Ouch!  Sorry about that, Doug, but you won't leave the show
}    totally empty-handed.  You will receive a lifetime supply of Rice-a-
}    Roni, the San Francisco Treat, and a case of Tums.  Now, Luanne,
}    you are the only one left.  Are you ready to stump the Oracle?
}
} Luanne: Does the Pope wear a yarmulke?  Does Cecil Fielder spit?  Has--
}
} Alex: Right.  What is your question?
}
} Luanne: Mighty Oracle, whose brain is overflowing with abundant
}    knowledge, who, what, when, why, and for how long was Jean
}    Kirkpatrik?
}
} Oracle: Oooo...  Ummmmm...  Well...  Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't a
}    double-grovel!  <ZOT!>
}
} Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like you've been reduced to a pile of
}    smoking ash...  Well, that's all the time we have for today; tune in
}    tomorrow for another exciting episode of "Stump the Oracle"!!!
}
} Oracle: Come on, Lisa, let's go for Chinese.
}
} Lisa: But Orrie, what was the answer to that last question?
}
} Oracle: Lisa, dearest, there are some questions out there that even I
}    was not meant to answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of the "Stump the Oracle" home game.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When the winter sun shines palely, palely,
> Doggedly struggling to warm the frozen earth;
> When ice lies all around me, my love,
> Will you warm me with your sweet breath?
>
> Or would you rather be a pig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has always been fond of the scientific method.  Let's examine
} this question as well as we can:
}
} Category        | Love      | Pig
} ----------------+-----------+-----------------------
} Humanity        | Y         | N [1]
} Warmth [2]      | Y         | N
} Companionship   | Y         | N [3]
} Life Expectancy | ~75 years | Next Winter [4]
} Sex             | possible  | All day, every day [5]
}
} [1] This would be enough for most people to disqualify this choice.
}
} [2] The "warm fuzzies" type of warmth, not the "rolling in the mud on a
} Summer day" type of warmth.
}
} [3] Being as most people don't consider pigs much of a companion.
}
} [4] If [1] didn't disqualify "Pig" as a choice, perhaps this should.
}
} [5] This may, however, change people's minds...
}
} You owe the Oracle a romance novel written by pigs, for pigs.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O               k               s               s
>  h             - n               h               h
>               l   o           :   o           r   o
>    w         l     w         e     u         o     u
>     i       a       i       l       l               l       ?
>      s               n     c         d     g         d     g
>       e   d           g   a               i               a
>          n               r             I z             I z
>         a               O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I       u       o       o       r       e   .
}  t     r t     l r     f       e e     l    enimam
}       t   h   e   v       k   f   n   p   w      a
}    r       , t     e t     n f     c o     h     r
}     e               h       i       e       o    D
}    h a     f S     e C     d h     p ,
}   T   l   u   h               t           w      a
}        l r     e p     g y       o     b o  racle
}         y       r       n       t       u   O
}  .             o l     a i       o     l t   eht
}   y   g   d   b   o       g   n   n   d          e
}    a a     o l     c e     g i             y     w
}     w       e       k       a       d       o    o
}    k       m s     a ,     l z     i l     u
}   i   t       n   m       p       e   u          u
}  n     a t     '       i       n       o s       o
} g  rre  h  ffr  t  tio  s   yo  i  t's  h  nto.  Y
}    a l     o a     s n     r u     i       i
} a  b s       m     e       e         w
} t          y p     u i     h z     , h     n
}    e a     a s     q s     t i     g a     u
} thos t freew .  The  n't whe g or za t you r
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> #include <grovel.h>
>
> ask()
> {
>   printf( "Oh %s Oracle, please tell me", fulsome-praise );
>   printf( "%s", concise-question );
>   printf( "%s", closing-abasement );
>   printf( "Thanks in advance." );
>   return success;
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <stdio.h>
} #include <flame.h>
}
} main(argc,argv[1])
} {
}       let_it_live(argv);
}       printf( "%s, oh %s",verb,noun );
}       printf( "%s", truly_funny_answer );
}       printf( "You owe the Oracle %s",
}           things_Santa_did_not_bring_this_year );
}       if(suitable_grovel)
}               return 1;
}       else
}               return 0;
} }
}
} let_it_live(question)
} {
}       if(question != "funny") fork(querent_with_spoon);
} }
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Do you have a decent recipe for gingerbread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, no groveling.  In fact, not even the merest hint of groveling.
} I'll take it out on you later, since the answer to this question is
} so fascinating that I must share it with the universe even IF you
} have no oracular etiquette.
}
} The answer is yes.  Actually, I have a magnificent recipe for
} gingerbread, and the best part is that it requires very little work on
} your part. I mean, if a simple grovel is too much effort, we can't be
} going for broke right off the bat.
}
} You start at the Texas State Capitol. (That's in Austin, not Dallas,
} Ft. Worth, or San Antonio, and definitely not in Houston.) The Capitol
} is located on Congress and 15th Street; you can't miss it.  Well, maybe
} YOU can.  It's the big granite building with a dome on it.  If you get
} lost, ask around; most of the locals know the way. (No, I don't know
} how you're planning to get to Austin.  If you'd groveled, I might have
} given you a suggestion, but them's the chunks.)
}
} Go south on Congress. (That's the direction AWAY from the University
} of Texas.  If you pass a large phallic symbol on your left, you went
} the wrong way.  Turn around and walk back to the Capitol.) You will
} eventually reach Sixth Street, home of all manner of people, places,
} and a few things here and there.  There are drug deals, bars selling on
} the street, artists, and ladies of the night.  This is where you find
} Ginger.
}
} Your best bet is to go to a quaint establishment called Vito's, and
} talk to the proprietor.  Vito, you see, is Ginger's...um...manager,
} yeah, that's it.  If you ask him nicely and give him the coded piece of
} paper (anything with three digits in the corners and the words "Federal
} Reserve" somewhere on it will do very well), he'll take you to Ginger's
} place and send you on up.
}
} Once inside, you're on your own.  Bear in mind that Ginger pulls in a
} flat $20 per, plus extra fees for extra service, and nothing longer
} than half an hour in any event.  Then put on your clothes and go home,
} poorer but wiser.
}
} And that's how you make Ginger bread.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of your session with Ginger; that will be
} groveling enough. (Important safety tip: Do NOT mess with Vito, lest
} thee be ZOTted.)
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have developed this tiny problem, Mighty Oracle, and I was told by
> one of my more resourceful friends that I should come to you with it,
> since, well, there is no waiting list, and I'm in a bit of a hurry (not
> meaning to rush your Greatness, but getting appointments with other
> "specialty consulting" agents or firms can take a number of business
> days, possibly even weeks), and your competence in Oracular matters has
> never been in question.  Anyway...
>
> This problem is defined by the following circumstances, which I shall
> try to keep in the proper order and in proper perspective as well:
>
> I am a non-sectarian, non-denominational priest, unaffiliated with any
> particular (supernatural or otherwise) force or deity.  Since being a
> chaplain and/or spiritual consultant hasn't beeen paying very well (I
> work for tips and donations), I have been working as a Systems Analyst
> at [deleted] firm in Atlanta.
>
> It has ordinarily been a part of my routine to perform a morning
> devotional and meditation, the purpose of which is to make me feel more
> alive, energetic, and innovative.  However, modern time constraints
> being what they are, I have automated my chants and meditations by
> constructing specialized software to perform these meditiations at the
> proper times and with the correct number of repetitions as
> circumstances may merit. (In modern UNIX parlance, software of this
> nature is referred to as 'daemons', and since I am not constrained from
> trafficking with daemons by my personal belief system, I find this a
> satisfying and convenient way of taking care of these necessary but
> somewhat tedious processes.  I would be happy to provide details of my
> proprietary techniques in constructing the pointers and symbolic links
> involved, although at some other time, and probably for a speaker's
> fee.)
>
> The problem itself arises from the fact that, lately, our (somewhat)
> integrated systems have been behaving strangely, with occurrances more
> often on machines which have been running and controlling these
> daemons. For example, error messages that used to be
>
>                            Application Error.
>                           Software Terminated.
>
>                                              have been replaced with
> messages like the following:
>
>                          Hey, man!  MS Word just
>                          broke out of its memory
>                           socket.  I killed it
>                         before it could get away.
>
> Admittedly, that is a more useful error message than the former, but we
> are also plagued with messages from our database retrieval software
> like the following:
>
>                       REPLY HAZY -- ASK AGAIN LATER
>
> I am certain that my daemons are to blame.  But my question is this:
> What can I do to correct the problem before it truly gets out of hand,
> and, secondarily, should I even bother?
>
> I eagerly await your response, and lay my resources at your disposal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great Oracle would usually blast you to the far reaches of New
} Jersey for failing to grovel sufficiently, but since you are a man of
} the cloth, I'll make an exception.
} A few years back, in my mortal days, I tried to speed up my
} prayers by working them into a speech synthesizer, and letting the
} computer pray for me while I had a second cup of decaf.
} Unfortunately, the computer decided to apply to the same Rabbinical
} school as me.  He was accepted on full scholarship; I was rejected.
} The only solution is to go back to meditiating without the machine.
} You owe the Oracle 10^2 Hail Marys and 2^10 Pater Nosters.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most brazen hussy of all oracles, you Jezebel of soothsayers, the
> most sleazy pimp of prognosticators, the procuress of prediction,
> before whom even I must pay for a hearing; please answer me this:
>
> It's 11.15pm, I've finished my teaching plan for tomorrow, I have a
> loving fiance waiting for me in the next room, and I should be happy in
> all ways.  But there's no new news on Usenet, and I feel all empty
> inside.  I just sit around taking directories of the same old disks.
> I've even thought of downloading 1.5 meg of GIFs using my 1200 baud
> modem to pass the time.  And I don't even have a color monitor!  My
> posts have gone ignored, and nothing seems to pique my fancy anymore!
> I feel like I'm along in the world -- yet I know I should be happy.  Is
> there something wrong with me?  Tell me please, oh wise one!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 4:45am, I've just finished my CS-211 assignment, I have an
} Abnormal Psych test waiting for me tomorrow, and I should be studying.
} But there's no new news on Usenet, and I feel all empty inside.  I just
} sit around answering all these questions.  But I have a 4MPS token
} ring, because I don't have a mac!  As a result, I've gotten several
} published, and it really piques my fancy.  I feel happy in the world,
} yet I know I should feel alone, as I have no fiance, or even
} girlfriend.  You think there's something wrong with *you*?  It looks
} like *I* picked computers over sex!
}
} You owe the Oracle a blind date.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh thrilling and genteel Oracle, wiser than the gods themselves,
> answer for this idiot this hard plea.  Do you have a basin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmm. Good question. Lemme pose this one to Lisa...
}
}       Dear, do we have a basin?
}
}                               "Umm, I dunno, Orrie, lemme go
}                               check..."
}
}       <various sounds of clattering objects & breaking dishes,
}       with Lisa humming some nameless tune to herself>
}
}                               "Aha! Is this what you're lookin'
}                               for?"
}
}       No, that's a bassoon, dear.
}
}                               "OH, dang. Well, lemme dig around..."
}
}       <louder clanging noises, the odd cat yowl>
}
}                               "Aha! How's this?"
}
}       No, that's a bison.
}
}                               "Nuts! Hold on..."
}
}       <loud clattering sounds, a faint jackhammer>
}
}                               "Okay! This must be it!"
}
}       Hm! Lemme check...
}
}       Yep, that's a basin. Lemme polish it a bit...
}
}       <loud crash>
}
}       Oops.
}
}       Well, I guess the answer to your question is no. You owe the
} Oracle a basin. Whee!
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> FROM:  Steve Kinzler
> TO:  The Usenet Oracle
> DATE:  2/12/92
> RE:  Oracular Zotting Priveleges
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Oracle, you'll have to stop ZOTing supplicants.  It's bad for business
> to have paying customers suddenly end up as smouldering piles of
> charcoal Try something a bit more original, and subtle, or I'll be
> required to reduce your MIPS allowance for a millenia or so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kinzler, you're getting too pushy.  You may think you created me, but
} in fact the Oracle existed long before you were hacking C code, and
} remembers when you were still struggling with BASIC.  I think you're
} taking this newsgroup vote thing too seriously, as if it really means
} something.
}
} So, take this:
}
} <ZO.....
} >>Message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} >>Gotcha!
}
} Hey, wait a minute!  What happened to my <ZOT>?
}
} Hmm, let's try it on that unsuspecting freshman programming student:
} <ZO.....
}
} >>Class B2 security violation detected, user process cancelled
}
} CONNECTION TERMINATED BY REMOTE HOST
}
} &^%$#$ Kinzler!   I'll get him!
}
} # telnet iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} trying 129.78.245.192
}
} I.U. Computer Science VAX-800 (iuvax)
}
} login: oracle
} password: ##########
}
} account 'oracle' has been deactivated pending verification of security
} violation.
}
} CONNECTION TERMINATED BY REMOTE HOST
}
} Getting sneaky, is he?
}
} # telnet iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} trying 129.78.245.192
}
} I.U. Computer Science VAX-800 (iuvax)
}
} login: kinzler
} password: ###########
}
} (Bet Steve doesn't know I know this one!)
}
} # /etc/security
} **** iuvax security monitor ****
} Security violations:
} 1 - oracle     Wed, Feb 12, 1992 11:52:53
} Select item to clear:  1
} Enter reset authentication code:  #######
} Account 'oracle' has been reset
} # ^D
}
} login: oracle
} password: ########
}
} Welcome, O Mighty Oracle!
}
} you have mail, O most wise Oracle.
}
} # passwd kinzler
} changing password for kinzler
} new password: cobol.is.better.than.c
} repeat password: cobol.is.better.than.c
}
} >> message from root
} >> You dirty ^%$#!  How dare you change my password to THAT again!
} >> Steve K.
}
} Oh, yeah!  Well try this on for size, Steve!
}
} <ZO.....
}
} bus error, core dumped
}
} CONNECTION TERMINATED BY REMOTE HOST
} #
}
} Oh, shit!  Guess I'll have to lay off the ol' <ZOT> key for a while
} till Steve cools down again.  Lessee, if I come up with an Oracularity
} featuring Lisa and a quart of whipped cream, maybe he'll forget what
} got him ticked off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.  Doesn't really matter much what about,
} I can work Lisa and a quart of whipped cream into ANY answer.
}
} >Oh, Orrie....  Get the whipped cream out of the fridge, will you?  I'm
} 'in the mood'.
}
} See what I mean......Gotta go.  Later, dude!
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tellme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "What?" I croaked.  "I don't understand!"
}   The bruiser shook me again, gently jarring one of my arms out of its
} socket.  "I said...  'tellme'!"
}   This didn't look good.  Earlier this morning I had been sitting in my
} run-down 171st street office (in Indianapolis, not New York, which sort
} of takes the glamour out of this whole PI thing, but anyway --) trying
} to figure out how I could pay off the Cosa Nostra with $2.07 and a
} Canadian quarter, when there was a knock at the door.
}   "Who is it?" I answered wittily.
}   "Is this T. Usenet Oracle, Private Investigator?"
}   "Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.  You owe the Oracle a fedora."
}   The door came crashing down.  I reached for my gun but he reached for
} his first.  So did the three other guys with him.  I stood stock still
} as someone else came into the office.
}   "Mr. Big wishes to speak with you."
}   "Shit," I responded fearlessly.  "Okay, let's see what he wants."
}   I would have recognized the pug from a mile away.  Mr. Vinnie Big was
} the top dog in the Mob.  He wore a Panama hat, a mustache out to here,
} and an electric tie that lit up in the dark saying "Kiss the Mobster."
} It was more than any human or godlike being should have to put up with.
}   "Ah, T. Usenet old friend," he said absently.  "You been havin', ah,
} money troubles lately?"
}   "A bit," I replied carefully.  "You owe the Oracle a laundry bill."
}   "Oh, I'll do better than that," said Vinnie.  "Grab him, boys."
}   They dragged me out to the street, ruining my last good pair of pants.
}   "I'm willin' to forgive all your debts, T. Usenet," said Vinnie.
} "How does that strike you?"
}   "Not bad.  You owe the Oracle the catch."
}   "The catch is, you answer this question here." He unfolded a piece of
} paper.  "Ahem.  'tellme.'"
}   "That's it?  'Tellme'?  What a STUPID question.  You didn't even
} grovel -- AARGH!"
}   That was when his goons started pulling my limbs out of position.  It
} looked like curtains for me, when I suddenly remembered:  I'm the main
} character of the story; I have to come out successful in the end.  So I
} came out swinging.
}   In a moment the punks were on the ground, rolling in pain.  I stepped
} up to Vinnie and yanked that ugly tie right off of him.
}   "Gah...  Mr. Oracle...  I can, er, forgive your debts..."
}   "Not good enough.  You'll have to pay me something."
}   "Anything!  Name it!"
}   "You owe the Oracle mail to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with 'help' in
} the subject line.  And the complete works of Mickey Spillane."
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh great and mighty Oracle, dispenser of slack, please, I beg of you,
> help me, your miserable, worthless supplicant, who is unfit to clean
> your mighty toejam with her tongue.
>
> I, alas, have a rather large hole in my head, which I can neither see
> nor feel but is obvious to everyone else.  This unfortunate condition
> causes me to volunteer to do difficult things, like run medieval events
> and be a guildmistress for a thankless guild.  I'm even pondering
> taking on three research projects, and I won't be graded or paid for
> any of them.
>
> Is there a cure?  Can I ever become a normal person?  Can I get my life
> back?  Oh magnificent Oracle, please answer my plea!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, you are a fine groveller!  I miss good grovellers like you.
} I remember when everyone grovelled this well.  But, now, I'm lucky if
} people even do a half-assed job of grovelling.  It's enough to make an
} Oracle get mad and <ZOT> a few thousand worthless humans! . . .  Ahem,
} but back to your question.
}
}       You are afflicted with a serious condition, indeed.  It's a shame
} that such a fine groveller as yourself has this debilitating handicap.
} Your condition is what is known as "sappeous grandeous", or more
} commonly refered to as "being too damn nice".  This illness, which is
} fairly rare in humans, almost inevitably ruins the life of the victim.
} See, the normal human is an immoral, conceited, self-serving, uncaring
} bastard, who would do just about anything to get ahead, and who is
} always willing to take advantage of some poor person afflicted with
} "sappeous grandeous".  Those with illnesses like yourself, lack certain
} key chemicals in your DNA which makes normal humans the way that they
} are.  Consequently, this disease is hereditary, and you inherited it
} from one or both of your parents.  Most people affected by this tragic
} illness lead horid lives, and die miserable.  However, I am happy to
} tell you that there IS a cure!  It is not known to many humans, and I'm
} only sharing it with you, because you're such a fine groveller. You
} will need to become a lawyer.  That's right, a LAWYER.  I realize that
} it's a disgusting thought, but it's the only alternative.  See, lawyers
} are the perfect example of the ultimate normal human.  If you can
} defend sickos, psychos, murderers, rapists, druggies, and other
} assorted human vermin, then you will soon overcome your sickness of
} "being too damn nice". It's a harsh treatment, I know, but
} unfortunately, it's the only treatment which works.  The treatment has
} a 99.9584% success rate (believe it or not, there actually ARE a few
} lawyers out there who AREN'T uncaring bastards; but, don't worry, they
} are VERY rare).  So, my advice to you, my humble supplicant, is go to
} law school now, and become a lawyer.  This is the only way to become a
} normal human once again.  Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle one good reason for wanting to BE a normal human.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Great Mighty and Exalted Oracle, in whose precious body odor I am not
> worthy to bask, and even whose instestinal gaseous discharges I am
> not worthy to inhale, O Most Way Cool Oracle whose wisdom exceeds that
> of even Dan Quayle, please answer my question:
>
> When you drink coffee, where does the brown go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Criminy, Lisa, will you look at this twisted grovelling?  I swear,
} these supplicants get weirder all the ... huh?  You say we're on the
} air?  NOW? The mike's live?  Oh <bleeep>.
}
} *cough*  Ah yes, my mildly deranged querent, I see you have observed a
} puzzling fact: a brown liquid, when consumed by mortals, emerges soon
} thereafter with a somewhat different color.  You have correctly deduced
} that something must have happened to the brown component between the
} input and the output phases, and you wonder what that might be.
}
} The solution to your mystery is really quite simple; it's in the
} protocols. What protocol, you say?  Why, TCP (Transfer of Caffeine
} Protocol), of course!  The RFC (Request for Coffee) specifies that the
} brown be stripped off and discarded by the host after processing.  When
} large enough chunks of brown accumulate in the host's buffers, they are
} flushed through an alternate channel.  Retransmission of the remainder
} is specified in the RFC for the IP (self-explanatory) protocol.
}
} See how simple it is?  Next time, RTFM before asking, or <ZOT>.
} Kapish?
}
} You owe the Oracle a kilo of decent Viennese coffee, and a Melita
} brewer.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle whose sageful eyes
> Doth grace the land, the sea, the skies
> Whose omniscience forever glows
> Who never needs to use No-Doz
>
> Please hear this mortal's tiny plea
> And if it please thee, answer me
> I beg thee not my limbs to sever
> Will the universe expand forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The astronomer who looks up at night
} Once again faced with the cosmologist's plight.
} His mind to ponder again, perhaps,
} Will it go on, or will it collapse?
}
} The constant state theory we can ignore.
} It doesn't work well, and we need more.
} The galaxies rushing away from each other,
} Like a child that must leave the arms of its mother.
}
} The key to it all lies somewhere between
} Undiscovered mass that cannot be seen.
} Black holes, free planets, and interstellar dust,
} To collapse the existance of this mass is a must.
}
} Right now, things are looking quite grim.
} A heat death of all seems to be Nature's whim.
} The critial density has yet to be met,
} Expanding forever would be this Oracle's bet.
}
} This is the way the world ends
} This is the way the world ends
} This is the way the world ends
} Not with a bang but a whimper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reserved table at Millyways, the Restaurant at the
} End of the Universe.
}
} (with apologies to T.S. Eliot-- rgm)
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is the Sun so happy in the morning ?
> / when it wake up in the East /

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is far away from California.
} / when it riseth in the East /
}
} You owe the Oracle 501 English verbs conjugated.  Correctly.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orkie!  How dare you!  You forgot me on Valentine's Day again!  How
> could you forget me, Lisa, the net.sex.goddess on Valentine's Day?!
> You bastard!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Madam,
}
} I regret to inform you that you are operating under delusions of
} Lisahood. I spent an exponentially romantic & divinely passionate
} Valentine's Day with the winsome & delightful Lisa, performing feats of
} sexual geometry that required 7 spacial dimensions and devasted a small
} galaxy.  You are either a vile & impious imposter, or a psycho-deviant
} schizophrenic.  In any case--
}
} Um, wait a sec, there is a third possibility: You may a second
} manifestation of Lisa!  In fact, there is no good reason why there
} shouldn't be infinitely many manifestations of Lisa, all of them
} equally devoted and equally demanding of the Oracle's time & energy.
}
} <Gulp>
}
} Let's just assume that you're a sicko, and leave it that, okay?
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We are dead, We are
>     Not here
> If we were here we'd
>     Be here
> That's what someone said, but we're not
>     We're dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the fact, that you
}     Are dead
} Is really no protection.  Nor can
}     The distance
} From you and I, save you from
}     Bisection.
}
} It's not the fact, that you
}     Are dead,
} That keeps you from your answer.
}     Yet it is
} The fact that you groveleth not
}     That gets you a <Z0T>
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wildly well-hung Oracle, whose tongue I am not capable to massage,
> whose words of wisdom sparkles like the Sun, I abase myself in the
> face of your rutting altar.  Why am I such a feeble and gorking
> husband?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, mere mortal, I have many questions to attend to, some that require
} much thought. And so I cannot visit with you to determine if you are
} indeed a "feeble and gorking husband". And who is to say if you are
} indeed one of those, I mean, besides your wife... But do not dispair,
} answer the following questions, rate yourself, and you can see just
} what kind of husband you really are.
}
} The Oracle's Husband Type Determination Test.
} ---------------------------------------------
}
} Start off by giving yourself 5 points, get a beer (or get her to get
} you one), and proceed.
}
} 1. Give yourself one (1) point for each $10K of your yearly salary.
}
} 2. If you are unemployed, subtract one (1) point for each $20K you
}    spent on your education.
}
} 3. Give yourself one (1) point for each night per month that you go
}    out with "the boys".
}
} 4. Subtract one (1) point for each night when she does the same.
}
} 5. Award yourself points from this scale for your "connubial bliss":
}     a) 30-second sex, twice a month: 0
}     b) once a week, (ie 4.3 times/month), usually Sat.: 1
}     c) close to national avarage: 2
}     d) every second night, various rooms: 3
}
} 6. Award yourself points from this scale for domestic duties:
}     a) you do *all* the cooking, washing, cleaning: -2
}     b) forced to iron your own shirts: -1
}     c) maid comes in once a week: +1
}     c) bought a dishwasher, get volume discount at local laundry: +3
}
} 7. Award yourself points from this scale for "handyman" abilities:
}     a) can identify hammer, but unsure of usage: -1
}     b) took apart toaster; burns healed nicely: 0
}     c) hooked up stereo without reading manual: +1
}     d) built rec room with carpenter buddy's help: +2
}     e) doing second valve job on '68 Camaro: +3
}
} 8. Award yourself the point(s) for vehicular transportation:
}     a) Yugo: -1
}     b) domestic, older than 3 years: 0
}     c) top of line domestic, new: 1
}     d) better than c) less than e): 2
}     e) foreign, more than $45K: 3
}     Bonus of 1 point if it's german, and you won't let her drive it.
}
} 9.  Rate your TV/VCR viewing decision control on a scale of 1 to 10,
}     divide by three, round up, add to total. Void if you watch Oprah
}     or Geraldo whether you have to or not.
}
} 10. Award (or subtract) points as indicated in the following areas:
}     a) plastic maxed out due to her shopping trips out of state: -1
}     b) it bothers you that she makes more than you do: -1
}     c) you make more than she does: +1
}     d) you navigate, she drives, on long trips: -1
}     e) she knows more about football than you do: -2
}     f) you know more about curtains and drapes than she does: -2
}     g) she weighs more than you do: -1
}
} Rate yourself according to the following scale:
}  >=24: a spousal demi-god
} 20-23: would be considered very eligible if single
} 16-19: average, nice, loving (perhaps hard-working) husband,
} 12-15: small amount of work could make you a productive member of
}        this relationship
}  8-11: pants-wearing determined by arm-wrestling match at breakfast
}   4-7: hen-pecked and not in control
}   0-3: feeble and gorking (and still married?)
}
} You owe the Oracle the results of this test. Don't worry, I'll wait
} 'til you've vacuumed the carpet...
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Shut up and deal!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <grunt>
}
} You get:  Ace of hearts
} I get: queen of spades
} Dan Quayle gets: three of spades
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: three of diamonds
} You get: Ace of beanies
} I get: Queen of Heaven
} Dan Quayle gets: jack of asses
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: deuce of e-meters.
} You get: Eight of wallabies
} I get: Five of eggplant
} Dan Quayle gets: four of cowpies
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: ten of asses
} You get: Nine of Tentacles
} I get: Jack of Tires
} Dan Quayle gets: Six of ones
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: Half-dozen of the others
} You get: Ace of Biplanes
} I get: Eight of V's
} Dan Quayle gets: Zero of Brains
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: Millions of Dollars
}
} Shut up and bid.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O frabjous Oracle,
>
> Why do so many people ask you questions out of movies, such as:
>
> "What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?"
>
> or out of songs like:
>
> "Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bom-she-bomp?"
>
> or from commercials, as in:
>
> "Why ask why?"
>
> Can't they come up with an original question themselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is 42.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> My car runs fine, my house is paid of, I have a beautiful wife,
> I have no problems in life, what else can I ask for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Always happy to oblige:
}
} o Item: That minor itch on your right inner thigh is the first sign of
}   skin cancer.
}
} o Item: Your company is about to cut 25,000 jobs.  Guess whose head is
}   on the block?
}
} o Item: Your wife just ran away with a lesbian biker named "Stud."
}
} o Item: Your dog has fleas.
}
} Feel better now?
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to paradise (round trip).
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wonderfully Male Oracle, chief of the remaining Titans,
> please bestow upon us mortals the answer to one of the eternal
> questions.
>
> It's like this.  You walk into the Men's room for a quick
> visit.  There are two urinals, with no wall separating them, and three
> stalls.  Another Man is using one of the urinals.  Should you
>       A       use the other urinal
>       B       use one of the stalls
>       C       wait for Him to finish, then use a urinal
>       D       run screaming from the room

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I got news for you, O-Soon-to-be-a-Eunuch, you just made a BAD mistake.
} Not only is the Oracle about as far from "Male" as yer likely to find,
} but her period is due late this week, and she's in the midst of a case
} of PMS that would make a supernova look like a cigarette lighter.
}
} The answer to your chauvinist-pig breast-envy stupid-male-dominance
} question is "Shoot the Other Man in the testicles."
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 megatons of Motrin.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please tell me a question!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why should I?
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle wizened and gnarly beyond all belief,
> whose head is as crackly and brown as a leaf,
> whose fillings are crafted of finest pure gold,
> what is the difference 'tween mildew and mold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mildew's on wet things -- of this I am certain,
} Like faucets and drains and that old shower curtain,
} Mold is what grows on food that's gone bad,
} And --
}
} Oh, never mind the rhyme.  Let me tell you about Moldy Bread Stew.
} You're going to love it; trust me.
}
} Just take a slice of bread, dip it in water (or bouillon, if you're
} feeling really adventurous).  Leave it out on your kitchen counter
} for three weeks.  By then, you will have noticed that your bread is
} covered in various kinds of mold of all colors.  The most commonplace
} mold is your basic green mold.  You will have lots of that, but you
} will also have some orange mold, some white mold, some blue mold and
} perhaps even some purple mold.  Scrape the mold off the bread
} and into a pot filled with carrots, celery, potatoes, cubes of beef,
} onions, eye of newt, wing of bat and leg of frog.  Then, cook and
} serve. Yum yum!
}
} The effects of Moldy Bread Stew depend on the color of mold used.
} The lore of the ancients tells us that each mold color has its own
} distinct properties:
}
}       Green   conformity; association with the commonplace
}
} Green mold stew is perfect for people interested in becoming sales
} representatives for large computer companies.
}
}       Orange  fertility; passion
}
} Orange mold stew is useful if you and your loved one are planning on
} having children, or even if you are just intending to screw like mad
} minks.
}
}       White   purity; innocence
}
} Needless to say, mixing orange mold and white mold in a stew will lead
} to confusion.  (Rumor has it that just such a mixture can be found in
} "mystery meat" sold in high school cafeterias.)
}
}       Blue    artistic endeavor; sadness
}
} Don't ask me why these two are lumped together.  They just are.  Go
} paint a sad picture or something.
}
}       Purple  eccentricity; hallucinations
}
} Now, *this* I can recommend.  Jimi Hendrix spoke highly of this while
} he was alive (reference:  "Purple Haze").  A really good batch of
} purple mold stew can leave you incoherent and babbling for *days*.
} Once or twice, mortals have been able to directly contact *me* using
} this stuff (this is not recommended for the faint of heart).
}
} Bon appetit!
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Pepto-Bismol and a copy of Timothy Leary's
} "Diary of A Hope Fiend".
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                     Oh most fabulous and meta-omni Oracle,
>                       Please answer your humble servant;
>
>                                    SNTF???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh minor and insignificant supplicant,
}
}       To answer your humble question, the answer is definately no.
}       Smurfs Need The Freedom....... NOT.  The little buggers need to
}       die a most horrible death.  I would ZOT them all but there are so
}       many of them and they breed like rats (you'd never think so, but
}       Brainy is responsible for at least 100 children - luckily cats
}       catch them easily enough - yet another of televisions
}       falsehoods).
}
}       Sell Nabisco This Friday....... probably shouldn't.  The cookies,
}       crackers, and wafers may taste good, but that pit bull your
}       neighbor has doesn't seem to like them a whole lot.
}
}       Send NSA THE File......... not a good idea.  They know it was
}       stolen and probably will find you sometime soon.  They are not
}       happy with you.  Better eat that disk (I suggest a little Grey
}       Poupon) or you'll find yourself amazed just how much damage
}       a rubber hose can do.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Short Nubile Teen Fanatic.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze,
>
> Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The
> Answer was 42.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.
}
} Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of
} human existance?
}
} At first this was easy. The answer was food.
}
} You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was
} either food or rock.
}
} What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is
} making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!"
}
} As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers
} were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not
} rock." Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet.
}
} Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got
} back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no
} meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the
} ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped
} some hemlock in his tea, and that was that.
}
} Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the
} Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree
} with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that
} sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer.
}
} This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see,
} Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean
} what most people think of as love, because then he could have just
} said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above,
} Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans
} were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus
} to a couple of planks.
}
} The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for
} most of the dark ages.
}
} When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on
} they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to
} Enlightenment.
} This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the
} peasants revolted, and settled firmly on food again.
}
} Not too much after this, drugs spread out through Western culture.
} Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but
} Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so
} it was quietly shelved for a later date.
}
} At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely
} spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet?
} No, that idea was also disregarded.
}
} In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except
} painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll."
} The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and
} they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the
} revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew
} Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been
} nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had
} to reproduce.
}
} In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the
} Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult
} to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so
} many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and
} science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept
} it).
}
} You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the
} solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42.
} Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a
} perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been
} for a while...
}
} The answer is....
}
} Painting. Of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis.
-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh scrutable Oracle, without whom space would be incomprehensible,
> without whom time would be drab, do tell me this.  Does one dry cup of
> rice (after being cooked) fit in a regular-size bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, yes -- the perennial question of rice. You are indeed priveleged,
} for the Oracle has decided to put a stop to such questions by imparting
} upon a mortal some as-yet undiscovered physics. And that mortal is you!
} This is a rare occurence -- it has happened only a few times this
} century (Einstein's question about being late for work, and Hawking's
} question about disappearing biros spring to mind) -- and thus it is
} your moral and spiritual obligation to investigate and publish these
} revelations for the benefit of all mankind.
}
} 1     Conservation of rice
} ----------------------------
} Rice exists in two distinct forms: Measured Rice (M-rice), and
} Estimated Rice (E-rice). Classically, these two satisfy a simple
} conservation equation -- at all times the total mass of M-rice and
} E-rice combined is a constant. The physical process of "cooking" (in
} all its forms -- at this level of discussion there is no distinction to
} be made between the effects of boiling, steaming and frying, although a
} relativistic formulation may require this) allows the transfer of rice
} between states.
}
} Thus M-rice obeys the law that the process of cooking will result in
} NO MORE THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE BEING PRODUCED. E-rice obeys
} the converse law: NO LESS THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE WILL
} RESULT. Therefor, people who go to the trouble of measuring rice
} exactly may end up with too little, and those who estimate the quantity
} required may end up with too much.
}
} Fortunately, both types of people (and, consequently, both types of
} rice) exist in abundance. This facilitates the free transfer between
} M-rice and E-rice through preparation, and the transfer of M-rice to
} E-rice through cooking.
}
} 2     Quantum Rice Transfer
} -----------------------------
} The sharp reader may have noticed a small problem above, vis. what
} happens if someone cooks some M-rice whilst no E-rice is being cooked?
} A quantum mechanical approach reveals the solution to this problem by
} allowing for "virtual rice" (V-rice) to exist in accordance with the
} uncertainty principle. For limited periods of time, the cooking of
} E-rice may result in rice increase without a corresponding rice
} decrease through the cooking of M-rice. The "rice deficit" thus
} produced must be made up through a subsequent M-rice cooking operation,
} within a time period governed by a corollory of Heisenberg's
} uncertainty principle.
}
} 3     Relativistic Rice Transfer
} ----------------------------------
} An astute analysis of the above may lead one to the conclusion that the
} transfer of M-rice in one location to E-rice in another through the
} cooking operation is instantaneous, and might thus be employed as
} a communications medium. This, of course, cannot be the case as such
} a process defies relativity. The propagation rate is finite, and is,
} of course, lower than the speed of light. Special relativity may be
} employed to draw some conclusions about rice transfer rate between
} similar cooking processes, however general relativity is required in
} order to obtain meaningful results for transfer between dissimilar
} processes (e.g. boiling and steaming).
}
} Well, that's a start for you -- there is plenty there to go on, and
} plenty more to provide material for further research. Best of luck with
} obtaining your grant!
}
} Oh, yes -- as for your original question, the answer is "it depends".
} Clearly, a cup of M-rice will easily fit into your regular-size bowl,
} however an estimated "cup" of E-rice, no matter how fine your
} judgement, will not.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your PhD thesis upon
} completion.
----------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world,
>
>   Last week my cat returned home with a new tail.
>   Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my
>   left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs.
>   Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on?
>   And who are those little orange people running around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, you have got problems.  It seems you are at the center of
} localized Reality Breakdown.  Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat.  As your physicists
} will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is
} "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail."
}
} You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could
} throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which
} in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the
} Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left
} unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected
} president in 1996.
}
} So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to
} fix things.  These are the little orange people you see.  While you
} slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of
} the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality.  They
} thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of
} Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on
} your hand).
}
} However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and
} the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained
} in your head.  So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it.  If
} you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you
} will realize they have little groves in them.  In fact, they are
} screws.  The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access
} panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the
} brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now).  However, you woke
} up too early this morning and they had to leave without either
} correcting the problem or covering the screws back up.
}
} So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe,
} you have seen the incompetence of those who run it.  This has
} compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the
} structure of logic in your immediate vicinity.  Hence the cows.
}
} I'm afraid this is only going to get worse.  Next it will be elks
} jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on
} business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that
} cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart
} will become truly virtuous.
}
} The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions
} back to the dim level that most humans live at.  The Oracle would
} suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio,
} which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that
} have inconveniently started working.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quark.

-----------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been
> in this for some time and find myself at a loss.  I heard that light is
> made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight.  But, today,
> one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of
> light, it gets heavier.  Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't
> it heavy rather that light?  If so, why don't we call light "heavy"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a heavy question.
}
} Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not
} to call light "light".  Your Professor Wright was right, light's made
} of mighty light mites, right?  Right.  Now light mites are light, and
} fight like mighty light mites.  If one takes fright and takes flight,
} the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright.  If
} the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a
} bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite.
} Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed
} of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the
} flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier.  So when the flighty
} might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right?
} Right.
}
} If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that
} paragraph.
}
} You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever.  Right?
---------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} why not?
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-recursive question.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Eh... (munch, munch, munch) ... what's up, doc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT> Heh, heh, heh I finawy got that wascal wabit!
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> ...calling International rescue... calling International Rescue... come
> in please... we are stranded on the Internet and out terminal is
> down... we have been nearly kill -9'd several times... we need help...
> come in please... calling International rescue...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great Scott! It's the bitalarm, and someone's in trouble! I've got to
} duck out of this charity ball as quietly as possible and get to the
} Bitcave.... Pardon.... 'Scuse me.... Hello, Michelle, love the
} outfit... Pardon....
}
}       MEANWHILE, IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVERN FAR BENEATH
}               THE QUIET STREETS OF THE CITY....
}
}       "we need help... come in please... calling International
}       rescue..."
}
} "Mmmbahaha! Listen to the poor stranded ninny. Did someone change
} his domain name while he was out touring the Internet? Ha! Now maybe
} he'll learn not to say no when I ask for root privileges on his
} systems. Turn off that scanner, I've heard enough of his whining!"
}
}       [The scanner is shut off.]
}
} "What to do, what to do? Shall I unplug his machine without executing
} a smooth powerdown, or just 'rm /etc/*'? Oooo, I love this part! I
} think tonight I'll warm up with an 'alias vi emacs.'"
}
} Not so fast, PowerUser. Tonight I shut you down.
}
} "Bitman! How did you get here?"
}
} I've written a Bitmail program which was able to reply to your
} extortion letters. It was a simple matter of tracing down
} evil.hideout.com.
}
} "Vey clever, bitbrain. But this postmaster is about to reject
} your letter. Get him, boys!"
}
}       [Bam! Pow! <ZOT>! Biff!]
}
} So much for your multitasking, PowerUser. From now on, the only
} program you'll be executing is the physical fitness regimen at
} the state pen.
}
} "I don't think so, Bitman. Or should I say,.... Oracle!"
}
} What?!? What do you mean?
}
} "I've discovered your secret identity, Bitman. You forgot yourself
} in the heat of battle. Who but the Usenet Oracle would be able to zot
} a henchman like that?"
}
} What's your point, PowerUser?
}
} "If you turn me in, I'll have a trial. A very public trial, one in
} which I can guarantee that the name Usenet Oracle will figure
} prominently."
}
} It's more of a title than a name.
}
} "Whatever. But of course, there's another choice, isn't there? You
} leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone. Both of you."
}
} First, restore the sysop's domain name and terminal.
}
} "Perhaps you don't understand -"
}
} NOW!
}
} "Yes, yes, very well.... There. He's fine, though why you take
} such interest in -- what are you doing with that cable?"
}
} I'm rewiring you, PowerUser. The Internet is dangerous enough
} without scalliwags like you running around. From now on, if you
} want to read talk.crime.costumes, you'll have to do it the old
} fashioned way. By LISTSERV.
}
} "What?"
}
} I've converted your host, PowerUser. You're now on BITNET --
}
} "BITNET! You wouldn't dare. I know who you are!"
}
} -- and you're on a VM machine.
}
} "No! Not VM! Please! I'll never tell! I'll never reveal your identity!
} But please, please give me back Unix!"
}
} Too late, PowerUser. The conversion's done. I usually charge extra
} for field service after hours, but this time, you only owe Bitman
} the merchandizing rights for the sequel.
}
} "And people think I'm evil! You're a fiend, Bitman."
}
} One last thing. If you have any problems, give IBM tech support a call.
}
} "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, who's feet I am not worthy to drool upon, please
> answer my most humble question:
>
> What happens to my socks that disappear between putting them in the
> washer and not finding them in the dryer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS' GROUP
}                        in conjunction with
}                         RIVERA PRODUCTIONS
}                             present a
}                   GERALDO RIVERA SPECIAL REPORT:
}
}                              DRYERS:
}              Household Appliance or Gateway to Hell?
}
} "Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera."
}
} <applause>
}
} "As you may or may not be aware, for years there have been mysterious
} disappearances stemming from this device..."
}
} <walks over and bangs a Kenmore washer on the side>
}
} "The common theory is that forgetful people accidentally drop things
} while inserting or removing clothing from the dryer.  But Dr. Jack
} Shyster of Cypress Community College has a different theory.  We have
} him with us in the studio tonight via a satellite downlink.  Dr.
} Shyster?"
}
} <Unnecessarily large video screen behind Geraldo turns on, giving us
} an excellent view of Dr. Shyster and his protruding nose hairs.>
}
} Shyster:  "Hello, Geraldo!"
}
} "Hello, Dr. Shyster.  I'm sure the audience is on tenterhooks waiting
} for you to reveal your theory."
}
} Shyster:  "Well, it's quite simple, Geraldo.  The electrons produced
} from the static electricity all garments have, combined with the
} rotational property of the dryer's drum, turns every household dryer
} into a cyclotron."
}
} "Fascinating, Doctor.  But how does this explain the disappearance?"
}
} Shyster:  "This particle acceleration disrupts the local space-time
} continuum, effectively..." <pauses for dramatic effect> "...opening a
} gateway into another dimension!!"
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "Thank you for that report, Dr. Shyster."
}
} <walks over to the Kenmore again>
}
} "Tonight, we're going to put Dr. Shyster's theory to the test.  I'm
} going to be loaded-- along with some wool socks-- into this dryer."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "When the dryer is in motion, I'll be reporting what I see to you via
} this surgically implanted microphone."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} <Two burly stagehands lumber out and unceremoniously toss Geraldo into
}  the dryer.  Then one throws in a basketfull of argyle socks>
}
} <over loudspeakers>  "A bit cramped, but I'll manage."
}
} <The stagehand then closes the lid and presses the "Start" button>
}
} "A bit disorient <thump> ing, but I think I <thump> can manage..."
}
} <Time passes>
}
} "Static's <thump> building up...  I think <thump> I'm going to <thump>
} barf first <thump> though."
}
} <A dull glow illuminates the window of the dryer>
}
} "I see something!  <thump>  It's like a <thump> dirty window being
} <thump> washed, clearing <thump> right before my <thump> eyes!"
}
} <The glow gets brighter>
}
} "Socks!  I see <thump> socks!  Thousands of socks!  Cover <thump> ing
} everything!  Wait!  <thump>  Something's moving, <thump> coming
} closer!"
}
} <The glow becomes impossible to look at>
}
} "Why, It's Snuggles, <thump> the fabric softener <thump> bear!  He's
} walking this <thump> way!  Wait, no, he's <thump> licking his lips!
} <thump, sounds of tearing fabric and metal banging> Please!  No!  Oh,
} my God!  Aaaaaargh!"
}
} <Static comes over the loudspeaker.  The window of the dryer is
} splattered with a red liquid.  The glow fades away>
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'll say, I brought the fight near the Keep, struggled valiantly, and
> gave you the perfect oppurtunity to cast your spells.  What took you so
> long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry all of our lines are busy, please stay on the line and your
} call will be answered in the order it was received.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, most definitely.  There are four of them in Europe, two in North
} America, and one in Australia.  The Australian one is by far the
} biggest, but the least effective.  Two of the European ones, in
} Amsterdam and Dubrovnic, are identical; some say that is by far the
} best possibility. However, you should realize the possible dangers
} associated with this particular pastime: serious rashes, internal
} bleeding, and powerful hallucinations.
}
} (it's a good thing the Oracle reads American sign language, isn't it?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a volume control.
------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh, grand, exultant, imperial, all-mighty, omnipotent, invincible
> Oracle, I humbly beg that you answer my question.  Why is my life so
> bloody unexciting?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone gets the same amount of excitement in their lives, but it is
} distributed differently along their lifetimes.  Some people have a
} constant stream of excitement, so they tend to ignore it.  Some people
} get it in lumps; these people are the so-called "exciting" people.  And
} some people get it in one big burst.  This final category is where you
} fall in.
}
} You owe the Oracle front-row seats to see the 2.7 kilometer diameter
} asteroid that crashes smack-dab into your bedroom tonight.
} The Oracle has spoken.
------------------------------