Jesus, Amy, Emily and Joan are in a boat on a lake. The boat springs a leak
and starts to sink so Jesus gets out and walks to a nearby island. Amy and
Emily get out too and follow him. Joan sees that the others are safe so she
gets out, but she sinks and drowns. Jesus turns to Amy and Emily and says
"why didn't you tell her about the stepping stones?" Amy and Emily looked
puzzled and reply "what stepping stones?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Three hunters, a Texan, a Californian and an Coloradan, are gathered
around a campfire.  The three have been drinking and bragging
about the virtues of their home states.

Suddenly, the Texan says, "Watch this."  He opens a bottle of tequila,
takes a swig, tosses it in the air, pulls out a pearl-handled revolver
and shoots the bottle cleanly in two.   "It's a shame to waste that
good liquor," the Californian says.  "It's OK," the Texan replies.
"Where I come from, we've got plenty  of that."

Not to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of white
zinfandel.  He pulls off the cork, takes a drink, throws the bottle  in
the air, whips out an assault rifle and blasts the bottle,  sending
shards of glass everywhere.  "Shame to waste good wine," the Texan
says.   "It's OK," the Californian says.  "We've got plenty in my
state."

At this point, the Coloradan stands up.  He pulls out a Coors,  twists
off the cap and guzzles the entire beer.  He throws the  bottle high in
the air, pulls out a shotgun, empties both barrels into the Californian
and neatly catches the bottle.  The Texan stands in shock.  The
Coloradan calmly puts the gun down.  "It's OK," he says, "We've got
plenty of them in my state.  Besides,  this bottle is worth a nickel.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Did you hear the one about the Central European farmer who was asked to
hid an escaped midget from the Prague circus?  The midget had skipped
out on the circus and gone to Paris.  He'd spent some time drawing his
own caricature (for small contributions from passers-by) on the shore of
the river Seine.  As a result, the authorities knew exactly what the midget
looked like.  When the midget asked the farmer to concel him from the
authorities, the farmer refused, saying that he couldn't help because
he couldn't cache a small Czech drawn on an out-of-town bank.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The crofter's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and
the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.  To keep the
father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you
hold this high so I can seewhat I'm doing."
Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I
thinkthere's yet another wee bairn to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It
seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
"Well,now, mon.  Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.
   
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun how many would be left.
None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.
Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are
thinking.
   
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now.  If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the
second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one
is married.
   
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
   
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but
I like the way you are thinking.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Clinton and Gore are heading back toward the clubhouse from the 
eighteenth green one fine afternoon. Clinton looks over at Gore 
and remarks, "God, I tell you something, Al, the first thing I'm 
going to do when I get home is to rip Hillary's underwear off!" 
Al looks askance at Bill and asks, somewhat taken aback,.. "B-But
Bill.. I've known you and Hillary for years,.. Don't you think you
should, uhh.. I've NEVER known you to be so aggressive in the
bedroom!" Clinton looks at Gore, then shrugs. "Well, I guess 
somethings just slip past you, buddy. But I'll tell you something..
These damn panties have been creeping up my ass for the last six holes!!" 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.  "I always tip waitresses real
well and then ask them to vote for me," said one.

"Oh, really?" replied the other.  "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.  It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says:  "Pierre,
kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red
meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her tits.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat
I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear,  "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her crotch.  He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams,  "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Three people were riding in a car:  a hardware technician, a
system analyst and a software engineer.  The system analyst was
driving and when they came to a steep hill, she found that the
brakes had failed, and the car started accelerating out of
control.

The system analyst pumped the emergency brake, downshifted the
gears, and rubbed the wheel rims against the curb.  She finally
wrestled the car to a stop.  The three climbed out and assessed
the situation.

The hardware technician said, "Let's try and fix it.  I'll crawl
under the car and take a look."

The system analyst said, "No, I think we should get someone
qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

The software engineer said, "Why don't we just get back in and
see if it happens again?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

                   The Dishes

        Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.  He finally finds one for a
 great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
 vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

        Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
 parents.  He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting
 for him.  "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word."
 She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes.  We
 haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do
 them."
        Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes
 are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
 Steve decides to have a little fun.  He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on
 the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.   His girlfriend
 is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified
 when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

       A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and
 does a repeat performance.  Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is
 boiling, and her mother is a little happier.  But still there is complete
 silence at the table.

       All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
 rain. Steve remembers his  motorcycle.  He jumps up and grabs his jar of
 vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the
 table and screams,

       "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for the murder of his
wife.

Judge: "Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accussed of killing
             your wife." "What do you have to say in your defense?"

Man:  "Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my
            best friend and I shot her." "Thats all I have to say."

Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your
             best friend, would you please tell me what happened with him."

Man:  " Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said BAD DOG, BAD
DOG."
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean
for  the first time.  It was wonderful, the experience of his
life.  He was  being waited on hand an foot.  But, it did not
last.  A Hurricane came up unexpectedly.  The ship went down
almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of
an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen.  No person,
no supplies, nothing.  The man looked around.  There were some
bananas and coconuts, but that was it.  He was desperate, and
forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to
the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and
looking  for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his
eye.  Could it be true, was it a ship?  No, from around the corner
of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months.  She was tall,

tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an
almost ethereal quality.  She spotted him also as he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention.  She rowed her boat

towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from?  How did you get
  here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.  I landed
  on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.  How
  many of you are there?  Where, did you get the rowboat?  You must
  have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
  nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
  island, replied  the woman.  The oars were whittled from Gum tree
  branches,  I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides
  and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did
  you do that?"

"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the
  island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
  I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
  it melted into forgeable ductile iron.  I used that for tools,
  and used the tools to make the hardware.  But, enough of that,
  she said.  Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been
  sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said."  So they both got
  into the rowboat and left for her side of island.


The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
 approach to her place.  She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
 woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
 tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, she said, but I call it home.  Sit down please,
 would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said  the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still,
 how about a Pina Colada?  Trying to hide his continued
 amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
 talk.


After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
 asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
 "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and
  even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs
 in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
 questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath  room. There in
 the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed
 to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a
 swivel mechanism.  The man shaved, showered and went back down
 stairs..

"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip
 into something more comfortable."  So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.  After a short
 time,  the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically
 positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long
 time with no companionship.  You know what I mean.  Have you been
 lonely, is there anything that you really miss?  Something that
 all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to
 have right now."

"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman
 while fixing a winsome gaze upon her,  "Tell me ... Do you
 happen to have an Internet connection?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

	Two sperms are swimming along. One of them says to the other,
	"Geeze, I'm getting tired! Are we almost to the uterus?"
	And the other one says,
	"Uterus!? Shit, man, we haven't even left the *esophagus* yet!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

    Original observation ... thanks to George, my favorite fifth grader.
 
    Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child the
question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:
 
	in 1956         "4, of course"
	in 1966         "3, but it's the method that's important"
	in 1976         "just a second while I get out my calculator"
	in 1986         "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
	in 1996         "just a second while I check the addition home page"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

This is my favorite "ethnic joke", that I have been telling for
years.  Yes, I know ethnic jokes are not "PC", but I'm desended
from all four nationalities mentioned, so I get away with it. ;>

First, God created the Irish.  He said to himself, "These people
are fun.  They're very fun.  But I *don't* want them to *ever*
rule the world."  So to handicap them, He gave them Whisky.

Then God created the Scots.  He said to himself, "These people
are almost as much fun as the Irish.  But I don't want them to
ever the world, either."  So to handicap them, He gave them Kilts
and Bagpipes.

Then God created the Welsh.  He took one look at them, and said,
"No way!!".  So to handicap them, He gave them the Welsh
Language.

Finally, God created the English.  And for the smallest possible
moment in time, He was worried.  For he knew that these people
would come closer to ruling the world than any of the others.  So
he realized that he needed to give them a great handicap.  So He
gave them ... the Irish, Scots, and Welsh.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he
just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over
into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to
inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front
door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to
tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into
the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and
after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't
think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's
room."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends:
buddies for life, eternal bachelors..until the programmer announces he is
getting married. Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three
compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will
be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome'
surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies
in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.
Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't
turn off was a neat trick." And to the electrician: "And a flickering table
lamp with no off switch was cute, too." Then, shaking a fist at the dentist
"But, you! YOU! Novacaine in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
 and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
 that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

 After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns
 decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
 and paint in the nude.

 In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

 "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

 "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

 The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that
 no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
 open the door.

 "Nice breasts," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far
from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.  He
opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having
a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks.  Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin."

"Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that
with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd.  "Well, I get along with people.  I'll
be there.  Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to
the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just
gonna be the two of us."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing 
to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct 
experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are 
flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, 
agreed.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A cop pulls over this old man riding a motorcycle for not wearing any 
pants.     The cop walks up and said, sir I notice you are not 
wearing pants..     The old man replys.  yea, I know,   I rode 
without a shirt on yesterday and got a stiff neck.  My wife had
this idea!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A hip young man goes out and buys the most exotic car available:
a 1996, Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in
the world, and it runs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red
light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old)
pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny
surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there,
sonny?".  The young man replies, "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They
cost $500,000."  "That's a lot of money," says the old man,
shocked. "Why so much?"  "Because this car can do 320 miles an
hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner.  So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 mph. Then, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what
it could be, and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him,
going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the
young man wonders.  Then, ahead of him, he sees the dot coming back
toward him again. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the
opposite direction!  And it almost looked like the old man on the
moped!  "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Turbo BeepBeep?"

Again, he sees the dot coming up fast in his rearview mirror!
Whooooosh  Ka-BbblaMMM!  It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end.  The young man jumps out, and Jesus to
Betsy, it is the old man!!!  Of course the moped and the old man
are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the old man and says,
"You're hurt bad!  Is there anything I can do for you?"  The old
man groans and replies, "Well, you can start by unhooking my goddamn
suspenders from your side mirror!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

     In medieval times there was a court jester whose wont was always to
come up with the most atrocious puns.  This continued for months on end,
whereupon the king lost his patience and sentenced the jester to be hanged.
     The poor wretch was standing on the gallows with a rope around his neck
when a messenger came riding posthaste from the castle, exclaiming:
"Wait!  The king has decided to spare the jester's life, provided that he
never again tell another pun."
     At this, the jester smiled and beamed and said, "No noose is good news!"
     ....click...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I keep telling puns, once my daughter asked me to stop.
"Daddy," she said, "Your puns make me groan."
I guess my little girl has groan up.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The first restaurant on the moon had to close soon after it opened.
The food was great, but there was no atmosphere.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Whenever I see a 'this car is alarmed' notice I want to stick one on the
next car saying 'this car is slightly nervous'. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My car has one of those @#$% 'voice reminder' systems in it.  One day a
friend gets in, doesn't close the door properly, so the voice comes floating
out from the dashboard:
	"A door is ajar"
My friend -absolutely- glowers at the dashboard, and replies:
	"Good.... Now, can you make it a _bottle_?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man named George had an insatiable desire to have himself cloned.  So
strong was this urge that he spent all of his spare time and effort in
finding a place to accomplish this goal.

Finally, George found a university genetics professor who agreed to the
task.  Sure enough, the cloning was accomplished, and, at first, George
was elated.  The clone was identical to George in every way .. except
for one thing.  Whereas George was an extremely nice person, the clone
was just the opposite .. mean, nasty tempered, insulting, and vulgar. 
What was worse, the clone would follow George everywhere .. he could do
nothing without this awful being tagging along.

George was devistated .. he lost all of his friends, he lost his job,
and ultimately his wife took the kids and left him.  George could stand
it no longer!  He had to get rid of this evil creature no matter what
the cost.

Finally, George hit upon a plan.  He told the clone that he was going
mountain climbing the next day, but that he wanted to go alone.  The
clone cussed him and told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was going
along too (as George knew he would).  The next day, they climbed to the
top of the highest mountain in the area.  Once there, George executed
the final stage of his plan.  He pushed the clone off the mountain and
watched the devilish creature fall to its death.  The problem was,
someone witnessed the act.  George was arrested and charged with first
degree murder.

During the trial, George testified as to how awful his life had become
after the clone was made.  He went into detail about the abusiveness of
the creation and how it had ruined his life.  After hearing the story,
the judge reduced the charges from first degree murder to making an
obscene clone fall.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Reminds me of the great disappointment felt by the team of physicists who
after 23 years created the perfect vacuum.
"All that work for nothing."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

How about this phrase - I'm going Chopin. I'll be Bach in a Minuet!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I live in Huntsville, Texas, (in)famous for it's prisions and SHSU...
Our current 'big' project is the building of this humongous statue of Sam
Houston (a state hero).
We also have a classical small-town newspaper, with either very sick or
stupid editors (I wouldn't place my money on either one...unsafe bet)
anyway, friday the 9th of september, we had a front page article reading:
The Erection of Sam Houston Statue Draws Nearer
We in huntsville feel sorry for the residential areas nearby, as they will undoubtedly be the first to be impacted by this growing problem.  We do have some
pride in this statue though, as the boots must be brought by a heavy truck,
we are sure that NO other member on this planet will be able to fit in those
boots...
	In adition to this problem, we recently had another type of 'erection'
just a hop, skip and jump down the road from the building site, where some
er, 'upstanding members' of our community were engaging objects other than
their transmission, if you catch my meaning.  I'm sure the nearing erection
of Sam will attract some of those types to cum, er, I mean come, to the site

Also, plans for a public restroom on the grounds of the statue are under
discussion, as we are sure that this site will make some people think of 
restrooms....

If this subject didn't titillate you, I'm sorry, and I am assured that our city has this problem well in hand, and will soon bring it to manageble proportions...

Griffon of the FractalBlade (it IS true, btw...the paper is The Huntsville Item)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

> What is the biological basis for labelling creatures male or female? 
It's determined by the style/cut of genes they're wearing.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

>>From: rmarshal@tcinc.com (Rilla Marshall)
>>DOS anyone know why this thread is here?  UNIX probably don't read this
>>thread.  AOS for the punsters, they seem tired of it.  I APPLE to you,
>>let's discontinue it, OS/2 many people will go somewhere else to find
>>puns.  Computers are okay, but the PRIMOS reason for this thread is
>>not that.  Many VMS people like puns, SOLARIS move forward on to other
>>themes.

>The diskcussion of computers here has .bin a real pain, Rilla, and .dat
>is the truth.  Can't people c: that a: major reason people choose to b:
>here is to read puns?  Ascii punners, such as Marc & Pundit, no longer
>write, I find I am less likely to GOTO ahp to read - & this is likely to
>continue Intel this "non-punning" stops.  As they say in Russian, "DOS
>vedanya!" to this whole thread.

Jane, please don't exit.  I can't help thinking about how after the
Lone Ranger would shout "I/O, Silver" Reed ride off into the sunset,
and who knows if he'd return?  If you left, Jane, this group would only
be a shell of its former self.  You're a natural Bourne punster.

And Rilla, I've Rilla got to hand it to you, for bringing it back.  We
need your sort of punsters around here who can get things going again
after a break in the action.  It's obvious that you *are* playing with a
full DEC.  I could never give you all of the ACKclaim that you deserve. 
You have a real NAK for this sort of thing.

For those of you who insist on writing without punning, go STX your head
in async.  If you don't have async, go to hardware store and bisync.

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A mime had a show to do, but also had a very bad cough.  He went to a
health foods store and asked for something for his cough.  The clerk
suggested that he make some cinnamon stick and thyme tea.  The next
day in Variety, a headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime."

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Two elderly elephants go down to the watering hole at sunset to take a 
drink. Approaching the pond the first elephant sees a small group of 
terrapins swimming in the shallows. He approaches the group cautiously, 
walks over to one particular turtle (identical to the others), grabs him in 
his trunk and flings him across the watering hole where he smashes against a 
rock and dies. His elephant companion looks at him, shocked and says:
"What did you do that for ?"
"That is the self same reptile" says the first elephant "who twenty years 
ago bit my trunk as I was trying to spray water on myself on a very hot day".
"That 's a hellava memory you have, to remember the exact one after twenty 
years" exclaims the second elephant.
"Yeah" says the first. "I have turtle recall"

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One lady was sent home from work today because of her clothes. She was
wearing the latest fashion from a famous designer that uses many 
crucifixes as a pattern in the prints. 
Yes, she was accused of "cross-dressing".

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A person went to a local restaurant for lunch and ordered chicken soup and a 
sandwich.  A minute later, the person asked the waitress to change the chicken 
soup order to pea soup.  So, the waitress yells back to the kitchen:  Hold the 
chicken and make it pea!

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> Q: Name a 19th century German philosopher
> A: I Kant
But Genghis Khan...

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A Czechoslovakian hunter and his partner were in the midst of a safari
when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate.
A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed.  After, each
tiger ate a hunter.  Far off atop a hill, a sheppard had witnessed the
whole battle.  He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle, and
returned to blow the tigers away.  After descending the hill, he first
cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman
inside.
"That settles it," said the sheppard, "The Czech's in the male."

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      At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was
one small salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon
shouted, "Wait, I'm too small!"
      "Wow!, a talking salmon", the fisherman exclaimed, "What's
your name?"
      "Rusty", replied the small salmon. "Please throw me back
into the sea!"      The fisherman did so.
      About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when
he again caught Rusty! "Amazing", exclaimed the fisherman, "What
have you been doing since I last caught you?"
      "I've been sitting on the wreck of the Titanic writing
poetry, it's very inspirational there". The fisherman read some
of the poems and was quite impressed. "These should be
published", he said, "Have you thought of a title for them?"
      After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them
            "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses"

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   Three Indian Squaws were admitted to a maternity ward at the
same time. They were each covered with an animal hide, one elk,
one buffalo, and one hippopotamus.  The squaws on the elk and
buffalo hides each had a six pound son, but the squaw on the
hippo hide had six pound twins. This proves that the sons of the
squaw of the hippopotamus equal the sons of the squaws of the
other two hides.

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Did you hear about the white guy who thought he was black?
No, what about him?
It was just a pigment of his imagination.

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     One day, me and my buddies were tossing down a few cool
ones, when this dog walks into the bar and says, "Gimme a beer".
Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare because the bartender
said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then
took out a dollar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a
beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender
said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave."
The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the
dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door.
     The next day, I happened to be in the same establishment,
and was again drinking a few beers. Suddenly, the swinging bar
doors were tossed open and in walks the dog we saw the day
before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black
vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog
looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says,
     "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Did you hear about the guy that thought he was as bright as a light bulb?
Yes, it was a filament of his imagination.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Here's a rare triple pun:
	A marine biologist discovered that seagull meat was so good for 
dolphins that it could keep them alive forever. So every day he would 
walk down the pier of his waterfront lab, then boat out to sea and trap 
several birds. Then he returned and fed them to his pet dolphins in a 
swimming pool.
	One day he was walking back with his daily catch and froze in 
fear: stretched across the dock was a huge, fearsome-looking lion. He 
didn't know it was just a toothless old lion who had wandered away from a 
circus when someone forgot to bolt its cage. The scientist hesitated, 
backed up, then dashed down the dock and leaped over the animal -- just 
in time to feed his pool pets.
	Just then, the authorities arrived -- circus workers who coaxed 
the lion home, and police who arrested the scientist. The charge? 
"Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises."
	
	There, wasn't that worth the wait?

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   Once a Missionary went to an Island inhabited by cannibals in
order to try to convert them to Christianity. He offered the
Chief a golden throne if he would get his tribe to convert. Well,
the chief accepted the throne and then had the Missionary killed
and eaten. A few years went by and soon the chief heard rumors
that another Missionary was on his way to the Island to try to
convert his tribe again.
   Well, the chief figured he would get another gift, so he hid
the gold throne in the top attic of his grass hut. Well, the
second Missionary arrived, and after giving the chief another
gold throne, met the same fate.
   A few more years went by, and one day as the chief was sitting
on the second gold throne, the first one came crashing down from
the grass hut's roof -- right on top of him, killing him
instantly.
   What is the moral of this story?
   People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

     A man boarded the Metro Bus and was amazed to see a small dwarf
seated on a pile of cushions, driving the bus. He was no more than two
feet tall. He was wearing a green uniform, and a hat straight out of
Robin Hood.
     The dwarf stared directly ahead while driving, and kept repeating
the same word over and over..... "tock....tock...tock..." The man
asked the person sitting next to him what the story was, and was told
that the dwarf was a common sight on the Metro Bus runs, and was a
great driver to boot.
     "But why does he keep repeating the same word over and over?",
asked the man. "Well", his neighbor said, "I called the bus company
myself to find that out." "It seems that that's his job", the other
man said. "He's a Metro-gnome!"

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By the way, careful if you fly to Helsinki.
You could vanish into Finnair.

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As Lee stood before San Francisco, he was caught surprised by
a cavallery attack while he was uncovered. He surely would have
been history if not in the same moment an earthquake struck
which fell the horses like dominoes so he got the upper hand
again.  "Phew!" sighed Lee. "That's what you call a
General Protection Fault!"

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Few people are alive today who would remember this, but, since I am into
my second old age, I remember it well.
 
Back when the Great Computer Guy in the Sky was coming up with one fine
computer language and another fine operating system every minute or so,
he was becoming annoyed by earthling computer geeks who kept DEMANDING
more and more and more... (as though enough were not enough, right?)
This lack of manners on the part of computer people below had to stop.
At least, they could be polite about things!  So a voice came over the
whole earth and it commanded...
 
                     "ASCII and ye shall receivii!"
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny attacked a man in the street, and
was charged with assault and battery?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

     According to unofficial press sources, the real reason that
Loretta did what she did to John was to buzz up their sex life. She
wanted to use his cock as a roach!!

     Unknown to most, the Bobbitt family was very well-off financially.
In fact, the night of the cut-off, John and Loretta were discussing
their family will. John did not want to include the family private
detective in it. Loretta finally agreed and then she cut out the house
dick!!

     When John was in recovery, two of his friends named Alan and
Fredrick offered to help him out. They had parts of their organ cloned
which would then be added to John's stump. Shortly after the operation,
John was so happy about his new organ that he named it Al-Fred
Hitch-Cock!!

     As another poster implied, Loretta treated John like a bank treats
a customer. She made him lose interest and suffer SEVERE penalties for 
early withdrawal!!

    The media circus and the courts are all ready for a John and
Loretta get-back-together. The courts are even ready for John's excuse
at revenge knowing that he'll say that he took tit for that!! 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

                               Tractor Fan 

 An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one 
broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell 
it, instead keeping it in a large barn.  He even bought used tractors from 
other farmers.  He worked on them and polished them, treating them like 
museum exhibits. 
 Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off 
his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a 
nice country cottage.  So he put advertisements in local and national 
papers, and waited. 
 He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from 
a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the 
tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles 
himself.  After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the 
farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. 
 That evening came and the businessman arrived, having managed to find 
the place chiefly by virtue of its being the only large building for 
several miles.  He soon located the farmer in question, despite the heavy 
clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the 
pair turning out to have much in common. 
 "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for 
a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?" 
 "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, 
I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." 
 "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!"  He then 
proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last 
particle of smoke in the room.  Then he leaned over to the partially open 
window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. 
 "Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American. 
 "Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a
facelift.  He says "Well, we have three models.  The first is for $1000 and
is guarenteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guarenteed for 3
years, and the last is $5000 and it is guarenteed for 5 years."  The old lady
says "Well tell me about them."  The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to
get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."  She responds, "Forget that
one, what about the next one."  He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better
job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guarenteed for 3
years."  The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
 The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a
feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery.  There will be a
screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging,
just come back in and we will tighten the screw."  The lady is delighted and
has the surgery.  About 6 months later she comes back to the office very
upset.  "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible.  Look at these
bags under my eyes!"  The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you
aren't getting anything back.  Those bags under your eyes are your tits and
if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A husband and wife decided to see a couselor.
After introductions, the counselor said to them: 

"Often a good indicator of the state of your marriage is the frequency
   in which you engage in marital relations.  Mr. Smith, how often do you
   estimate that you and your wife enjoy physical relations?"

The husband somewhat timidly responded
   "Almost every night."

"Well, that's somewhat surprising", replied the counselor

"Uh," Mr Smith continued, "almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday.
   Almost on Wednesday ..."

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A rather posh lady is showing her small daughter around Rome in the
back of a taxi.  They pass a railway station and the daughter asks: 
"Mummy, what are all those ladies doing standing around in very
short dresses?".  

The mother realises that she is referring to the prostitute day
shift, but hedges - "I expect they are waiting for their friends, or
looking at the Roman architecture, dear".

The taxi driver flips back the partition and says:  

"Go on, a-mother.  Tell her they're prostitutes!".

"Mummy what are 'prostitutes'?"

With a sigh, Mother tells all.  


The little girl is very interested:

"But Mummy, don't they sometimes have babies?".

"Well yes dear, I'm afraid they do."

"But Mummy, what happens to the babies?".

"Well dear, that's the interesting thing about it:  invariably they
become taxi-drivers". 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Guy One: "Do you remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles?"

Guy Two: "Yeah, why?"

Guy One: "I saw him yesterday. He's still doing that clown gig and said to
say 'hello'."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

  Apple recently announced its new hardware platform, codenamed "Montana"
because "Montana is the only state without speed limits".

  There were probably a few other reasons:
     It bombs a lot.
     It takes even the FBI 50+ days just to get it out of the box.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the
front seat.  The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would
have sex with him.  The Nun surprised by the question politely
declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the guy driving the bus says to the
hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to
have sex with you."  The hippie of course says that he'd love to
know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at
midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you
went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus
driver "you could tell her you were God and command her to
have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out.  So that Tuesday he goes to
the cemetery and waits for the nun.  And right on schedule the nun
shows up.  When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out
from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.  "I am God, I
have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have  sex
with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the
nun.  After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm
the bus driver!!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating
their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you
getting on with the girls now?"  "Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book
about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
A woman was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol
motorcycle officer.
 
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book.
 
She said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolman's Ball."
 
He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
 
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized
what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and
left.
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man was driving along in his mini and it broke down.  He was parked on the
verge trying fix it when a Jaguar pulled over in front of him and the man
offered to help.  After a few minutes they obviously weren't going to get it
going so the Jaguar driver offered him a tow.  They hitched up the mini and
agreed that, if he was going too fast, the mini would blow his horn and flash
his lights to get him to slow down and off they set.

At the next traffic lights a Ferrari pulls up beside the Jaguar and revs his
engine provocatively a few times.  When the lights turn to amber the Ferrari and
the Jaguar burn rubber and are both soon doing 140mph.

After a while they go through a speed trap and the policeman, realising that he
will need help to catch them, radios in for assistance saying:

"You won't believe what I saw;  a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 140mph side by side
and a mini behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get
past".

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer.  The bartender is
stunned at his appearance.  He is a tall muscular, well-built man except
for one thing.  His head is the size of an orange.  Finally, the bartender
can stand it no longer. " Look fellow, I hate to be nosy, but I cant stand
it any longer - what the hell happened to your head?" The man hesitated a
moment, then - in a munchkin-like voice - he began his tale. "Well, it's a
long story, but I'll tell it if you must know.  You see, I am a fisherman
by trade.  Been a fisherman all my life.  The work is very hard, but I
love it.  I actually enjoy repairing my boat and nets - even the mundane
maintenance work is enjoyable.  One day the fishing was very poor, so I
went farther out into the ocean than I had ever gone. When I cast out my
nets, I felt a great weight, and I was overjoyed at the thought of
catching so many fish.  As I pulled in the net, I began to discern a very
strange shape.  You probably won't believe this, but I swear it's true -
there was a mermaid in my net!  She was the most beautiful creature I had
ever seen, and I was even more stunned when she spoke to me." "Oh please,
Sir - please let me go! I am a magical mermaid, and if you will release me
from this net I will grant you a wish." I was so overwhelmed by her
beauty, that I could think of only one thing. "Beautiful mermaid, I said,
I am a fisherman by trade, and have been all my life.  I have never had
time for women, but seeing you fills me with such desire that I have but
one thought, and that is to make love to you." She smiled sweetly and
replied," I am most flattered Sir, that you find me so desirable, but what
you ask cannot be.  I am a fish below the waist, with very sharp scales
that would severly damage you were we to attempt a coupling.  Perhaps
there is something else I could do to please you." "Being a fisherman, I
understand perfectly the problem you describe,"  I told her. "How about a
little head?" 

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