NEW WHITEHOUSE DEFENSE: "WHAT IS REALITY ANYWAY, MAN?"
     
Iowa Hawk's Twisted News
9/11/98 Iowa Hawk 
     
     
Washington, DC (APUPI): In what was seen as a bold new defense for
President Clinton in the Monica Lewinsky matter, presidential attorney
David Kendall argued today that "reality is just an illusion, man." 
     
The new defense is based on an ancient metaphysical argument regarding
the very nature of existence and reality, an issue central to the
philosophies of Descartes, Kant and Schopenhauer. 
     
In the new White House argument, reality itself, including truth, is
ultimately unknowable. Therefore, according to the argument, any charges
against the President are illusory and cannot be proven, because proof
does not exist.
     
In fact, according to Kendall, "Like, we can't even be sure if there is
such a thing as Bill Clinton, man." 
     
The new defense strategy was forged during late night strategy sessions
at the White House. "Everybody was bummed over the Monica thing,
and really tense. A real buzzkill. So we were getting mellowed out on 
some primo Maui Wowwy and Tai Stick," says a senior advisor to the
President. "As soon as somebody put [the cult band] Phish on the stereo,
the President just starts this riff about how there's no reality. We just 
flipped out man, it was so deep. That's when we went into motion." 
     
The normally taciturn Kendall went forth last night to explain the new
defense on CNBC's "Geraldo Live" with host Geraldo Rivera. "Like, you
have your reality space, man, and I've got mine. How can you know what's
in my reality space, `cause, dig this man, you could be just an illusion
in it, you dig?" Kendall asked Rivera. 
     
Obviously impressed, Rivera replied, "whoa, dude, that is so far out." 
     
Kendall continued to note that "it's like the same thing with Clinton,
dig? You see, he's got his own reality space, dig, and like you and me
and Ken Starr and Congress and the whole universe is only like a, a, a,
a, a, a, an illusion to him." 
     
Program guest and former prosecutor Cynthia Alksney agreed, noting "I
hear you man." 
     
"It's like, nobody, man, can know what is `truth' in Bill Clinton's
reality space except Bill Clinton, you dig, man?" asked an agitated
Kendall. 
     
The question provoked Rivera to bury his head in his hands. "Dude, stop
f___ing with my head!  You are blowing my mind man," said Rivera,
giggling to himself. 
     
Suddenly snapping upright, Rivera said that "like, the whole universe,
including Ken Starr, could be a tiny molecule inside my finger." 
     
Kendall nodded assent. "Duuuude." 
     
Rivera, Kendall, Alskney and guest Wendy Murphy then shared a marijuana
cigarette, with Alksney cautioning Murphy, "don't bogart it, you skank."
     
Surprisingly, the "no-reality" argument has found widespread approval
among trendy "Postmodernists" and "deconstructionists" in the academic
world. "Derrida, Lacan, Foucault; all have shown the flimsiness of
truth," sniffed Stanley Fish of Duke, referring to an influential group
of French deconstructionists. "Truth is a construct that is culturally
and individually bound." 
     
The interview was abruptly ended when a drunken band of Delta Sig
brothers stumbled into Professor Fish's office and beat him senseless. 
     
The President is said to be working on a backup metaphysical defense,
one that is more risky.  According to a senior strategist, he will claim
that "everything I say is a lie, including what I just said." 
     
"Dude, don't you see what that means? It means he has to be telling the
truth, see, but it was a lie at the same time, you dig?" marveled the
strategist. "It is so freaking far out." 
     
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