The Official Unauthorized Completely Unbiased Cat Test
-- by Mike Peters (gtreporters@greeleytrib.com)

1.  If you and your cat get into a staring contest, who blinks first?

  A. The cat does.
  B. I do.
  C. I do, because if I don't, my cat will bite me.
  D. Cats are like snakes.  They can't blink.


2.  How obedient is your cat?

  A. He promptly responds to my voice and follows my every command.
  B. I promptly respond to his voice and I follow his every command.
  C. An obedient cat?  Hahahahahahahah...
  D. I'm sorry.  My cat won't let me give him orders.

3.  If you wad up a piece of paper and throw it on the floor next to 
    your cat, what does he do?

  A. Plays with it.
  B. Eats it.
  C. Uses it to knock birds out of trees.
  D. Picks it up, throws it back at me and pokes out my eye.

4.  If you introduce your cat to a new brand of cat food, what does he do?
 
  A. Tests it first, taking small bites.  He then continues to eat it and
     lets me know by purring whether he likes it.
  B. Tests is by sniffing, sneaks over and exchanges it for the dog's food.
  C. Throws it at me.
  D. Eats it quickly, then saves it for the best time, like when I'm eating
     dinner, and then throws up in my lap.
 
5.  If I lie down to take a nap, my cat will:
 
  A. Lie down besides me, curl up and go to sleep, quietly purring because
     of his deep love and affection for me.
  B. Call his friends over and eat everything in the fridge.
  C. Throw up fur balls in my ear.
  D. Try to smother me in my sleep.
 
6.  When children come around, my cat:
 
  A. Loves to play with them, chasing a piece of string and entertaining
     them.
  B. Hides in the basement.
  C. Locks them in the bathroom.
  D. Tries to steal their food.
 
7.  My cat sleeps:
 
  A. 10 hours a day.
  B. 16 hours a day.
  C. 20 hours a day.
  D. Is apparently dead, because the only time I see him move is when
     it's meal time.
 
8.  My cat's favorite toy is:
 
  A. A ball of yarn.
  B. A toy mouse.
  C. A live mouse.
  D. Anything he can destroy, such as entire sofas, my shoes, walls,
     plants, car seats, bathrooms, shower curtains, expensive clothing
     and school buses.
 
9.  When my cat wants to go outside, he:
 
  A. Meows nicely and walks to the door.
  B. Meows loudly and pounds on the door.
  C. Calls me a dirty name and jumps on my lap with his claws extended.
  D. Attacks me tries to bite off my ears.
 
10. Special Feline Deprivation Reaction Time:
    While your cat is eating his food, sneak in and quickly take the bowl
    away.  How does he react?  Will your insurance cover the hospital 
    visit?  Did the doctor give you any idea about how soon your skin
    will grow back on your face?


NOTE:  There is no need to score this test, because your cat already
    believes he is the smartest creature in the universe, and if the score
    is low, he may hunt us down and kill us.  Please don't give him
    our address.