The new tenth circle of Hell finally open! 

Subject: Hades restructures.
To: undisclosed-recipients:; 
Business news:                            13 October 1998

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL-- After nearly four years of construction at
an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new tenth
circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. 
The US West-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former
eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to
greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the
infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to
Hell in its countless-millennia history. 

"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years
necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus
said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to
accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound." Adding to
the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of
the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine
circles were equipped to handle. 

"Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law
experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based
sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and
horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Antedeus said. 

Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance,
largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects
within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists
concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the
intricate numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical
structure. In 1994, however, funding was finally secured in a deal
brokered between US West CEO Sol Trujillo and Satan himself. 

Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave
of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers,
Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and
Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the
Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of
Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their
insidious brand of evil. 

Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal
supporters of the new circle. 

"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed
of sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group
coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of
pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking
on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally
got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent
abominations the quality boilings they deserve." 

Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax
added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms
of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the- art
facilities will make possible." 

Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts:
the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Vertigo of Re- Engineering, the
Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber
of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products. 

The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-
exercise-show personalities, clad in skintight Spandex outfits soaked
in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end,
covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal,
anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud
dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever." 

In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs
of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity,
withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former
subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one
of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable
acts are committed with mail- order catalogs. 

"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-
blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know
what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk
backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks,
for the crime of attempting to see the future. But then I sent a couple
of fruit baskets to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a
cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized.
Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game
and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been
shrieking for goddamn mercy ever since." 

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said:
"It's hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent
risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers
knockoff. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the
calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at
the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that
nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work
something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and
constantly blinking the message, `Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace
Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'" He then resumed screaming
in agony. 

Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and
supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's
future looks bright, thanks to the new circle. "Things are definitely
looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're
ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer." 

"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an
exciting time to be in Hell." 


BOB KLAHN bob.klahn@toltbbs.com http://web.sev.org/rklahn